


4 seasons without you

by ApfelTHS



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Writing & Publishing, Ben Solo is a flirt, Boss/Employee Relationship, Cheating, DameRey, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fertility Issues, Fluff and Smut, Hux is actually a good guy, Rebound boyfriend, Rey - Freeform, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey falls for her boss, Rey wants to be a boss lady, Reylo - Freeform, Rose Tico is hungry, Slow Burn, falafel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:33:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 65,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22132606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApfelTHS/pseuds/ApfelTHS
Summary: Ben Solo hired the bright but shy budding publisher Rey Johnson to work for his publishing house. Finding her place, fighting her lack of self-confidence and becoming a business woman... Rey has a lot on her plate. Especially since she also has to deal with her feelings for her irresistible boss who won't make things easy.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 116
Kudos: 286





	1. Winter

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I've been working on this for weeks now and at first I wasn't sure I really wanted to share it but my friends kept telling me I should, so this is me taking a risk.  
> Few things you need to know  
> \- I'm not an English speaker so I'm really sorry for the mistakes.  
> \- I don't have a beta, so proofreading has been terrible haha (feel free to contact me if you're interested in the position)  
> \- Those chapters are pretty long. I could cut them in half but I wanted to keep the 4 chapters/4 seasons theme.  
> \- Also, please read the tags, I don't want to upset anyone. 
> 
> So anyway, I really hope you're gonna enjoy this story and feel Rey grow-up during this trial-year of finding yourself after college, as we all do. ♡

[ ](https://servimg.com/view/11189626/1358)

At first glance, nothing Rey had planned to do that day could drastically change the course of her life the way it did. She had taken a nice homemade brunch with her roommate, reviewed one last time her business card design before going to an internet café nearby to print them out. On her way to the meeting, she discreetly observed them. Her first business cards, properly stored in her wallet, making her feel like she could conquer the world if she put her mind to it. But when Rey entered the building, she suddenly felt very small and powerless. 

The whole place had been wonderfully decorated for Christmas. A giant tree, fake gifts wrapped in a shiny red and gold paper, angel feathers hanging all around and sparkly garlands... At least it warmed up the atmosphere. The hotel lobby was abounding with so many people: students, white collars, teachers, journalists… Maybe she wasn’t ready after all. Taking a deep breath, she came closer to the registration desk and gave her name to a smiling hostess. The excitement noise was buzzing in her ears. She didn’t expect the literary nerds to be so thrilled about a convention. Well, it wasn’t just any convention.

After a quick visit to the bathroom, Rey followed the crowd heading to the conference room. A sign had been placed next to the big red door. The names, positions and companies of the speakers for this afternoon were listed. Rey read their names, printing them behind her lids. It was an important day for the young graduate from UCL. After 5 years studying literature, she was almost ready to enter the real world. But before that, her scholarship allowed her a last moment of innocence. She still had 6 paid months and was determined to use this time to land an internship in a big corporation before having to accept any low-paying job in one of those new companies. 

The room was already crowded when she entered. People were happily chatting, making her feel like she should have accepted Finn’s proposition to accompany her. Her roommate, who was always supportive, would have been a great help her remove the stick up her ass. One of the last seats available was on the third row. Of course, everybody had to stand so Rey could reach it. She finally sat, got rid of her big coat and took her pen and notebook out of her handbag. It felt like Uni all over again, but at least she was comfortable in the student position. 

The presenter came on stage a few minutes after and the conference began. For four hours, six panelists had been invited to talk about their jobs, the book market, the future of literature and what young newcomers were supposed to expect from a career in the book industry. Rey had set her mind on two goals: a job in a publishing house or, in a lesser case, in a library. Both were acceptable for Rey who had a calm nature and enjoyed being alone most of the time. Spending her life surrounded by books and book lovers wasn’t that bad. But, if she had to be completely honest, she sometimes hoped for more. She wanted to travel, earn money, meet new people… In fact, she wanted to know what life was outside of her comfort zone. 

The speaker she was most interested in hearing was Ben Solo. The thirty-something man was a literature prodigy. At 23, he'd started his own publishing house. Thirteen years later, First Order publishing was one of the most prolific book companies in the world. Rey had always been so marveled by their choices of authors and stories. It was always so accurate, ahead of their time and almost every time a big success. Her wish today, was to absorb every wise words coming out of Ben Solo’s mouth.

And it seemed like she wasn’t the only one in this case. During the three and a half hour of the panels, people left for breaks. But as the convention was slowly coming to an end, the conference room was full again. Solo’s speech was the last of the day, and apparently the most anticipated. The buzzing sound of conversations filled the atmosphere in a frenzy mood. She had to admit it herself, Rey was pretty euphoric at the idea of meeting her future. 

Silence, followed by the rumble of clapping hands welcomed a tall pale-faced man. Rey had expected many things, but not this. She had read so many things about First Order publishing, about Ben Solo, his career, his favorite books… But she never thought about clicking on the pictures. After all, he probably looked like any other white collar dude with a big company under his control. But she was wrong. Ben Solo was one of those geeky CEO who lived next to your dorm at Uni. The handsome type. 

Rey was first struck by the height of the man. She understood now why it took so long for the conference staff to adjust the microphone before he came. A constellation of beauty marks sprinkled on his milky skin. From where she was sitting, Rey could barely see his eyes, hidden under the shadow of his low dark brows. The upper part of his face seemed so serious, stark even. But the lower part was smoother. His strong jawline and sharp nose were softened by a mellow pink mouth, pouting while he gave a last look at his notes. Ben Solo was wearing a white t-shirt, black trousers and a blazer. _Neat_ , she thought.

His eyes flicked up at his audience and he started talking. In an absolute fascinated silence, his voice echoed in Rey’s ears, deep, expressive, passionate. She had stopped taking notes, absorbed by Ben Solo and his charisma. He was everything she would hope to be one day: wise, confident, prepared. Though, nothing in his speech indicated that he was full of himself. On the contrary, he was pretty hopeful for the industry, encouraging people to strive and do better everyday. 

« It gets lonely to be up there alone. And we all could use fresh faces. So, don’t be afraid to join us, starting now. »

His ultimate advice received a thunder of applause and he left the stage with a last hand wave. While everybody was standing up, the convention presenter announced that a cocktail had been organized in the ballroom for every attendant. A cold sweat ran down Rey’s nape. It was the right moment to use her business cards, she couldn’t step back. In spite of the pressure, she nourished the secret wish that Ben Solo was going to be there too. 

Soon, the reception room was filled with all sorts of people. Waiters were supplying the buffet with appetizers, canapés and little soufflés. But Rey’s stomach was so knotted that as delicious as this food looked, she couldn’t allow herself to take even the slightest bite. Her eyes were sweeping her surroundings and she asked herself what she had been thinking coming alone. It was one thing to imagine yourself be the hero of your own story. When you actually have to get the work done it’s a different kettle of fish. She took the first good decision of her evening: accepting the glass of champagne one of the black-dressed waiter was handing her. A few bubbles never killed nobody.

Luckily, she recognized a group of people from her writing workshop. They were happily chatting in a corner, admiring something in the hands of a brunette girl. Rey knew her, they’ve been following the same class for two years. They’ve never been friends but the two girls got along very well. Also, Jessica, that was her name, was pretty talented. The young woman came forward and greeted them with a shy smile. Rey welcomed their warm response with relief. At least she won’t be totally alone tonight. She couldn’t help but ask what they were all looking at. 

« Jessica got her first edition of The Force Awakens signed by Ben Solo! »

They all chuckled while looking at Jess’ blushing face. The Force Awakens was one of the books published by First Order, Solo’s company. And it had been a best-seller for 14 months now. Rey still had it in a drawer of her night table. Every time she had been feeling down lately, she had read passages of it. She tried not to look too jealous at the thought of this missed opportunity. Jessica handed her the book with a proud smile and Rey cautiously grabbed it. She opened it to see the reckless note, drawn with a bold black felt. 

« _To Jessica. I hope to read your work someday. B.S. »_

Rey closed the book and gave it back to her classmate. Jessica had had the guts to go and talk to that impressive guy, why wouldn’t she? Apparently he wasn’t that bad. The others were still talking about the encounter. Rey tried to take it all in: they had waited until he had finished his conversation with that BBC journalist to approach him and he had been totally opened to the small-talk. Jessica had done most of the work. She probably was the one who could benefit the most from this meeting since she was writing and he was a famous publisher. Could Rey spark an interest from Ben Solo? The only way to find out was to go and talk to him herself. 

Jessica waited for the others to go look for food for her pep talk:

« You know, we’ll probably never have another chance to meet a guy like Ben Solo, Rey. »  
« I know. »  
« So what are you waiting for? » She asked, as if it was obvious for everyone.  
« I don’t know, I’m just not like you. »

Jessica laughed and shook her head. Rey knew it sounded stupid the minute she'd said it. They were all in the same boat, and the bolder you got, the more chances you had to go on a bigger, more comfortable boat. 

« You always had good notes about other people’s work. That’s what publishers do, improve writers’ art. Just go and talk to him. You’re so gonna regret it if you don’t! »

With a last gentle push on her shoulder, Jessica left the corner where they were all hiding. An excess of saliva rushed into Rey’s mouth. She was stressed. And she also knew that if it wasn’t such a big deal, she wouldn’t feel that cold sweat gliding from her neck to her lower back. She took a big breath and started looking for him. He shouldn’t be too difficult to find since he was a giant. She circled around the ballroom once, twice and still no Ben Solo in sight. Maybe he’d left already. Maybe she missed her only chance to get to talk to him. 

A rock fell in her stomach as she was losing hope and cursing her damn self. When a cold breeze ran on her skin, she frowned. « _Who let the window open? It’s fucking December!_ » She thought. That’s when she saw him, or rather the back of his head. The glorious midnight locks were shining under the lights coming from the inside of the building. He was standing alone on the balcony on the level below her, a cigarette in his hand. It was her chance to talk to him, face to face, without the pressure of other old dudes watching her with paternalism. She quickly approached a waiter to ask how to get to the lower floor. 

Rey whizzed down the steps, searching for the door to the garden view, her heart thumping furiously in her chest from the run and the sudden anxiety. The rear window was closed and only a few meters away. What if he came here to be left alone? What if he didn’t like all the fuss around him? Maybe she should wait and approach him when he’ll enter again? As she was backing off, her phone started buzzing. She quickly grabbed the device from her pocket. The screen was lit by a text from Finn. The white bubble said: « _You got this roomie💪_ ». How did he know she was going to be a chicken about this? This sudden reminder gave her a big slap in the face and she walked to the terrace with the firm intent to make a point. 

Ben Solo flipped to see who was coming when he heard the sound of the door. Rey shivered. She had forgotten her coat inside, and the Londoner weather was unforgiving on this mid-December evening. Looking everywhere but him, she almost forgot to answer when he threw an inquisitive « _hello?_ » at her. Another big spoon of air entered her lungs and she decided it was enough cowardice for one night.

« Mr. Solo? Hi, sorry to bother you. »

A translucent cloud of smoke escaped his lips, curving in a little smile. « You don’t bother me » he added, moving his head to invite her to come closer. The rattling sound of her derbies on the floor seemed way too loud in her ears. She wanted to be as subtle as a mouse. 

The balcony was located in the back of the hotel. The place was quiet, facing a French garden, a bit too snobbish for her taste. A little bit of snow had whitened the bushes and the atmosphere was damp and very cold. Below them, a patio sheltered an outdoor winter dining room. Solo leaned on the balcony’s marble surround, the white stone contrasting with his black sleeves. His cigarette was half-consumed and Rey couldn’t stop looking at his mouth, circling the white stick with a delicate pout. 

Perfectly aware that he wouldn’t be waiting after her forever, the young woman started talking.

« I’ve been a huge fan of your work for years now. And… your speech earlier was very inspiring. So… I just wanted to say thank you. I guess. »  
« Thank you for coming and listening to me. I sometimes wonder if I believe in my own shit. »

Was he being modest or a total douche? Rey didn’t care right now. Once she started opening her mouth, her body relaxed and she then rationally knew nothing could go wrong.

« You must had, someday. You wouldn’t be there otherwise. »  
« You know what I think? I think it’s not just about the work. It’s mostly about luck. But I can’t say that in a conference, can I?»  
« Would you say it’s stupid to keep working if you’re unlucky? »  
« No… Just that there is talent, work… And there are opportunities. »

He took another breath of tobacco and frowned as a cold wind made them shiver both. The tip of his ear peaked through his dark mane. Rey was cold but she couldn’t care less. She was there, with this fascinating man, casually talking about life. And opportunities. And that was exactly what she was looking for tonight.

« You met one of my classmates earlier. She made you sign a Force Awakens book. »  
« Ah yeah… You’re a writer too I presume? »  
« No. I majored in comparative literature but… I want to work in publishing. »  
« Oh. Okay. Most people just come to me with a manuscript. But that’s better. »  
« We all have different hopes and dreams. I’d like to work as an editor… And you seemed like the best person to address that wish. »

He chuckled and Rey could see the thin lines forming around his expressive eyes. Though, his laughter didn’t offend her. He wasn’t mocking her in any way. 

« You’re coming bold at me. What’s your name? »  
« Rey Johnson. You just said there is work and there are opportunities. This is an opportunity right? Besides I don’t ask for a job. I just graduated. I want an internship in London. Even an unpaid one.»  
« Never tell you can work for nothing, Rey Johnson. All work deserves to be rewarded. Respect from your peers is the most important thing you could hope for yourself. This is how we deal with our clients in First Order. »

Rey nodded, mentally taking notes. Ben Solo turned to her, leaning his hip against the balcony edge, crossing his finger and scanning her from head to toe. She felt a bit embarrassed but not enough to flee from his gaze. She knew she only had one shot at this. So Rey started to recite her references, mention the popular writers who came in her class, describe the subject or her best essay… She was trying so hard to impress him or at least make him remember her.

« You seem like a determined woman. »

 _Woman._ He said she was a woman. She didn’t acknowledge the fact that she was an adult yet.

« Christmas is a busy time at the office but most of our employees takes a break for the Holidays. »  
« I can swipe in. I won’t take a break, Mr. Solo. »

It was true. Rey had no family to visit for Christmas. Finn and her were celebrating the Holidays together for 4 years, since she moved in with him. They were going to eat filthy junk food in front of a Harry Potter marathon and it was the best Christmas she could ever dreamed of. 

« There’s probably something I can do. To reward your audacity. Do you have a business card or..? »  
« Actually, I do! » Rey was almost shouting with excitement. She pulled her wallet from her bag and handed him one of her card. He looked at it, spun it between his strong fingers. Damn, those hands were thick.  
« I see you came prepared. Good. Well, I’ll have somebody call you next week. »

He took back his cigarette stub and walked to the hotel, waving without looking at her. She watched him leave, a violent chill shaking her body. Now, she was really cold. 

***** 

On the next Tuesday morning, somebody did call Rey. Ben Solo didn’t lie. The woman on the other line wanted to check if she was still interested in the position. First Order Publishing UK needed somebody to fill in during the Christmas Holiday, just as the CEO said. If she was convincing enough for the director of the British house, they would keep her for a longer stay. Rey knew she was capable of doing this and when she hung up she sighed thinking how easy it had been. All she had to do was to dare ask for it. 

That night, Finn and her celebrated hard at the public house down the street. She had one week before starting to her new office. And she used her free time to absorb everything there was to know about the book industry. Also, she watched countless interviews of Ben Solo. Impregnating herself of his aura and his values was really important to make sure they would understand how motivated she was. 

On Monday, December 21st, Rey had her first day at First Order Publishing. The office was located in The Shard in Southwark. Approaching the massive frame of the luxurious building made her feel nervous, erratic and excited, all at the same time. The office was almost empty, everybody had gone home for the Holidays. Nobody was here to throw her a big welcome party but it made her feel better. She didn’t have the strength to start a new job and meet that many people on the same day. The woman she had on the phone the week before greeted her and showed her the whole place. First Order office was divided in several parts. There was a big open space were at least 15 cubicles were aligned one next to the other. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all grey and sad as Rey would have imagined an open-space to be. First Order seemed to allow their employees to express themselves. One desk had a lot of kids drawing pinned all around, the other one seemed to be owned by a green lover: a dozen of succulent plants were aligned around the computer, one had been entirely decorated with christmassy stuff. According to Liz, the office manager, most of the editors were working in there, but also graphic designers and proofreaders.

The sale department was cast aside. Two big desks separated by a glass wall belonged to them. Rey thought that it seemed unfair to give more space to the sale team in a publishing company but with her experience she probably would sink her business in two days. Next, there was a big conference room. The whole glass wall was a window facing London. The Thames, Tower Bridge, The City mystically appearing in the morning fog… She couldn’t dream of a better first workplace. 

Then, Liz showed her what they called the « Peace Room ». She really was in an American company. The Peace Room was a quiet place where you could come to work in silence. « Most of the time, proofreaders come here when they really need to concentrate. » Rey nodded. This was all new to her, and exciting. The secretary also showed her Rey’s new boss’ office. His name was Armie Hux. He had a big fat desk with a gigantic screen and a library filled with books published by the company. His office seemed pretty impersonal and grey to Rey. 

« Hux is a bit… Harsh. But you’ll get used to it. He’s not all bad. I heard you were going to assist him during those three weeks. Don’t worry I’ll guide you for almost everything but pay attention and you might be able to stay. »

The weight of responsibilities started to feel very heavy on Rey’s shoulders. She even asked herself if it was a good idea after all. But something changed her mind. Behind the last door Liz opened for her, there it was: Ben Solo’s office. The place was neat, nothing was out of place and still, it felt warmer than Hux’s room. Solo had added wooden furniture that gave the place a home feeling. A pile of files carefully rested next to the huge screen of his iMac. He even had a closet. From where she was standing, Rey could see two coats, a clean white shirt and what looked like a black suit. 

« Mr. Solo is still in London and he’s probably gonna come to the office before heading back to New York for the Holidays. He and Mr. Hux will want to see if you’re doing good but don’t panic, they have other fish to fry than being on an intern’s back. »

Liz tried to be reassuring but Rey felt the trail of a drop of sweat running down her spine. Now, it was official. She was working for, and probably with, Ben Solo. 

*****

The first morning went very fast. Rey had simple duties: mail distribution, forwarding emails, copies making… Nothing too exciting for the moment. But a slow pace was all she needed to feel better about herself. She was still able to use a copy machine, and that was a good thing. She also had to meet Rose Tico, one of the last employees working this week. Rose was a bright, cheerful young woman, hell of a graphic designer, sitting two cubicles away from Rey. They bonded over lunch.

« So… Basically, Solo hired you. Wow, you got balls. » Said Rose, chewing on a cherry tomato.  
« I don’t know. I was freezing to death on that balcony. But I’m here now and that’s all that counts. How are they? Hux and Solo? »  
« Oh Hux is an ass in public. I don’t know why he feels the need to be so cold and look irritated all the time. You always feel like you’re doing shit with him. But when you send him your work for approbation he’s… genuinely nice and thankful? »  
« Weird… »  
« If you want my opinion, I think he wants to be as impressive as Solo but he doesn’t get that the boss was born cooler than all of us. »

Rey laughed a bit. Rose had a point. Ben Solo was recklessly the coolest guy she had met. It was his way of moving, his hair, his smell, his voice… Everything made him look like a ridiculously handsome predator. 

« Is he tough, Solo? » Rey asked, curiously.  
« No… He’s more, in his own bubble. He wants the job done and doesn’t handle things with kid gloves. But it works so, we don’t complain. And he’s rarely here honestly. »  
« Oh… »

Rey sounded disappointed and Rose's brows knitted together. They both moved on and Rey learned that her co-worker was there for more than a year and lived with her sister Paige. The young woman heard more gossips during that lunch than during her whole schooling. The working world was just high school with nicer clothes. 

As the day went by, Rey felt more and more like she wouldn’t be able to see the CEO before he’d leave for New York. But on Wednesday afternoon, she heard Hux’s voice for the first time. A tall ginger guy, wrapped in a long grey coat crossed the open-space, without looking at any of the poor souls working on December 23rd. A thud indicated that he had closed his door and was making a phone call. Rey observed his silhouette through the blurry glass. Her head spun abruptly on her computer screen when she noticed he was coming back to open his door and threw a dry: « Mr. Solo is coming in a minute. » at everybody. 

Rey’s heart missed a beat. He was coming and he’d probably recognize her. Or maybe not? Why did it matter so much? She had work to do. Liz trusted her with a few emails she had to send to the firm partners and she wanted to do it just right. 

Ben Solo entered the office like a wind breeze: subtly but giving chills to everyone around. Rey followed his tall frame going to his own place and closing the door. The FO was silent as a cave. Rey could only hear the tapping of Liz’s keyboard and the sweeping of Rose’s stylus on her drawing pad. The secretary walked to Ben Solo’s office with files in her arms. A glimpse of their conversation reached Rey’s ears. They were talking about those important contracts the CEO had to sign before going on vacations. His voice was soft with Liz, reassuring Rey about him. He wasn’t the type to yell at his co-workers and be a cold-hearted bastard. When her workmate came back she whispered to Rey: « he wants to see you. » After a few seconds of hesitation, Liz pushed her to the hallway of her bosses’ offices. Solo’s door has been left opened but she knocked on it to introduce herself. He lifted his head, a black shirt slightly opened on his chest, a dark halo around his mouth and chin. His beard had started to grow again. 

« Rey, get in. »

His tone was friendly, she felt immediately good around him. The room was now filled with an elegant scent. A complex mix of jasmin, sandal wood and musc. Rey walked in, leaving the door open and sat on the dark brown aviator chair. Ben Solo was still reading one of the contracts Liz brought him when she came in but he put them aside and closed his pen. His eyes went straight to hers. 

« How are you doing? »  
« Fine, thank you for asking. And thank you for… This. »  
« I told you I would do something. So, I made some research about you. »  
« What? »

Rey was honestly not expecting this. What kind of research her new boss could have done about her? Was she in trouble? The CEO must have perceived the look of panic on her face because he scurried to soothe her.

« No need to worry. I just called your professors, for references. That’s what people do. »  
« Oh my God… For a minute I thought there was something wrong with me. »  
« Well, judging by your reaction I might look deeper into it. »

Rey’s heart missed a beat again, her lungs squeezed behind her rib cage gone stiff. « I’m kidding, Rey! » He laughed a little, very proud of his little effect on her. Gosh, she had to relax… And anticipate his weird sense of humor.

« I just wanted to know what kind of student you were. I liked what I heard. I’m just here for a couple of hours so I’m gonna go straight to the point: I have left several manuscripts to Liz and nobody’s here to read them during the Christmas break. I thought you could do it. »  
« Me? But I… I’ve been there only three days. »  
« So? That’s what you want to do right? »  
« Yes, but… »  
« Then it’s settled. Nothing is on your shoulders. You just read them and rank them from most interesting to least. You leave a few comments to ease senior editors’ work. Think you can do that? »  
« Yes… Yes I can. »

A tension had built between Rey’s shoulder blades. She was hot and cold at the same time. He trusted her with something on her third day. She felt proud, honored and scared too. While she was pondering on this, he had gone back on reading his contracts so the young woman stood up and walked slowly to the exit, not knowing if she should say something. His voice broke the awkward silence.

« I’m glad you’re here. I’ll come say goodbye to the team before I go. »

A quiet « okay » escaped her mouth and she went back to her desk, probably white as a sheet. She resumed her task, trying to not think about Ben Solo’s words to her. An hour later, he and Hux came out of their respective office and greeted everybody. The copper-haired man started his -short- speech.

« I think we can all say this was a good year for First Order. And we should keep going with the same spirit. »

Rose sent Rey an amused look and the young woman could read « told ya » on her lips. She wanted to laugh but it wasn’t a good time for that. Solo had the last word.

« So, it’s only the five of us today. But like Armie just said, we had an excellent year and it’s thanks to people sticking to their responsibilities that it was made possible. Thank you all. I have a blind trust in my teams all around the world and London is one of the best division of First Order publishing. We just welcomed a new team member. I know she’s gonna fit just in. Don’t forget to give your workmates my best wishes for the new year… And merry Christmas everybody. »

The four people in the open-space cheered Solo. Rose and Liz shook his hand with confidence while Rey stayed a bit behind. The CEO nodded at her before putting on his coat and leaving the office with Hux. 

*****

Rey spent the last day of her first week in Hux’s office. He was explaining everything he expected of her, showing her charts, secret numbers, manuscripts and everything she had to know to be efficient. He was harsh, didn’t wait for her to catch up on her notes, spoke very fast, tested her reactivity and her knowledge about First Order’s published books. At the end of the day, she was exhausted, her whole body had gone through a giant salad-spinner, but she was satisfied of her performance, and so did Hux.

« When Mr. Solo said to keep you after your three first weeks of trials without see you at work I thought he had just lost his mind. Or wanted to do his end of the year good deed. But now I agree with him. You’re a good element, Johnson. Do correctly what he asked you to do and you’re good to stay with us for 6 more months. »

She came home that night with her heart full of hope. When she opened the door of her apartment, a delicious smell of food welcomed her. She could hear her roommate singing in the kitchen that Mariah Carey’s song, the lyrics and all.  
She came closer and stayed behind him, her arms crossed, watching him dance and taking Christmas cookies out of the oven. Not surprised at all, he grabbed her hands and made her dance in the kitchen, singing uproariously. Rey laughed and joined him in his crazy show.

« It smells so good, what did you make? »  
« So, I thought that since you’re not working on Christmas Day we could do a sweet dinner tonight and a savory lunch tomorrow. »  
« You know me too well roomie. »  
« I know, right? How was this week after all? »  
« Full, rich, amazing. I think I might be onto something there. »

Finn popped a bottle of champagne, not giving a care in the world if it was too early for alcohol. Their Christmas parties looked nothing like a traditional family reunion. They could do whatever they wanted to. Nobody was here to judge!  
They dined Christmas cookies, ice-cream, fluff spread on crackers and candy bars. Rey fell asleep during the Prisoner of Azkaban on Finn’s broad shoulder. 

****

January came quicker than expected. Rey had her head stuck into those Sci-Fi manuscripts Solo had given her. Even on his break, Hux kept sending her tasks on her e-mail box. Soon, the office was full again. Everybody came to introduce themselves to the new girl who was sinking into her duties. She finished reading and ranking the manuscripts on time and delivered them to Amilyn, the senior editor in charge of the Sci-Fi/Fantasy division of First Order. She didn’t hear from them again and thought she must had done right… Or completely wrong and Amilyn was too polite to tell her she sucked at this. 

Rey and Rose had really bonded during Christmas. It took only a few weeks for the pair to call each other « work wife ». As a graphic designer, Rose wasn’t an intern anymore but she had no hierarchy power over Rey, they were equals and could talk freely about the office, the gossips and complain about their respective boss. Hux came back, and he was not in a good mood. Rey kept receiving capital letters emails and wondered if he even knew how to deactivate them. Ben Solo on the other hand, was always very brief in his emails. Sometimes she just received one word. « Contracts », « confirmation », « translation »… It was her job to find out what he was referring to and send it to him as quickly as possible. 

But Rey’s mood kept improving once she heard that the CEO was coming back at the end of next month. According to Liz who booked him an hotel and some plane tickets, he was staying two days in London and then had to go to a book fair in Paris with Armie Hux. During lunch break, she was always trying to glean informations about her boss. She heard many stories about how he stole one of the best authors to a competitor, wrote something truly marvelous once but refused to be published, started from nothing… The more she learned about him, the more she felt proud working for a man like that. 

« He puts us under a lot of pressure sometimes but he’s a great boss, I’ll admit it. »  
« I agree with Snap » started Rose. « I mean, the guy is practically perfect. He has the perfect company, he has never said anything problematic, he’s a hard-worker so he deserves all the credit… Also, he has the perfect marriage. »

Rey frowned. 

« Ben Solo is _married?_ »  
« You didn’t know? Yes he is, for 8 years now I think. But they know each other for like… 15 years. »  
« Wow… No, I didn’t know. »

She also didn’t know why something twisted in her stomach. She had never looked for his personal life, he was her boss and that wasn’t her main interest. 

« He’s married to Audrey McLaren. »  
« What? The Audrey McLaren? »

Audrey McLaren was one of Rey’s favorite contemporary author. She was writing thrilling murder stories involving women, family affairs and abusive relationships. One of her books even got adapted in a movie. Apparently, she had kept her maiden name.

« I know, right? Those two are perfect together. She was Solo’s first client. Basically he owes all of this to her talent. »

Rose laughed a bit between two spoons of her pumpkin soup. But it gave Rey a whole evening of thinking. She had been so obsessed with her work and trying to impress her boss that she realized now that she didn’t know a thing about him. That night, when she googled pictures of the couple, she wondered how she could have missed the gold ring around his finger. It was there, shining under her eyes. Audrey McLaren looked even more stunning next to him than on the back covers of her books. 

She had these amazing auburn hair, green eyes, olive skin and a clear rock shining on her hand. They were rich, beautiful, talented and in love. Rey was moaning in despair in her room when Finn entered with a suspicious look.

« What is it with you? »  
« My life sucks. »

Finn shook his head and watched what was on her computer. « Isn’t that guy your boss? » He asked.

« Yep. »  
« And? Something you want to tell me? »  
« Nope. »

Finn threw a pillow at her face.

« HEY! »  
« Your life doesn’t suck. He’s too old for you anyway. Good night, Peanut. »  
« That wasn’t ABOUT THAT! FINN! COME BACK! »

The young woman could hear him giggle from his own room. She grabbed a copy of « Fire And Smoke », the latest work of Audrey McLaren and looked at it. The editor’s note inside wasn’t signed by Ben Solo but by his right-hand woman, Maz Kanata. He probably thought it wouldn’t be professional and objective to comment on his wife’s work. In the author’s biography, Rey found a few informations about the power couple and sighed. Of course people like that ended up together. Eight years of marriage… And probably more of love. If Audrey had been his first client, it meant they’ve been together for more than thirteen years. At 23, Ben Solo had already met the woman of his life and together they changed the world (well, almost). Rey was 25 and as lost as a green bean at the bottom of a canned-box.

****

On February 23rd, two months after she last saw him, Ben Solo came back to First Order UK. They’ve been told he organized a party for the company to celebrate the new year properly. He had locked himself in his office for the whole day, Hux coming from time to time to discuss company matters with him. The office was quiet, nobody wanted to disturb the CEO or look unprofessional to his taste. Rey didn’t have the time to catch him before they all went to the party. The past month had been crazy, instructive and really immersive for her. And she really wanted to thank him again for the opportunity. 

They had rented a club in the neighborhood for the occasion. Music was already filling the place. Rey, Rose and their friends went to sit at a table. The club was very cool, relaxed. From where she was sitting, Rey could see the bar, an old school counter with bottles aligned on a mirrored shelf, yellow and orange lights creating a diffuse atmosphere. A waiter brought them mini hamburgers and a first free cocktail. All 34 employees of the British First Order division were there, celebrating the new year for what seemed like the tenth time. Rey was definitively lucky. 

Later in the night, Solo, Hux and few of their friends joined the party and sat in the back. The young woman couldn’t help but watch them from her table. They didn’t mingle with the rest of the team at first, which she found odd but nobody around her seemed to care. And as she was about to forget about the matter, a light pressure on her shoulder brought everything back. 

Ben Solo was standing behind her, his firm hand on the very thin spaghetti strap of her slip dress, asking if everybody had a good time. Her group cheered loudly and forced Solo to drink a shot of vodka with all of them. It was the perk of hanging with the youngest members of the team. In a playful mood, the thirty-year-old accepted and shared a drink with the group. After a thunder of applause, he went greeting other tables. And as Rey thought he would go back to his own after making his round, he walked back to her. This time, she saw him coming and kept her eyes on his. 

« Rey, would you mind coming to our table for a minute? »

The others were a bit stunned by the request but Rey forgot how to breath. She nodded in silence and followed him as he joked: « don’t worry, I’ll give her back quickly! »  
Solo invited her to sit next to him, in front of Hux and asked if she wanted to drink something. 

« No, thank you, I have what I need. »  
« Rey, I just wanted to congratulate you for your first two months with us. Amilyn told me about your reviews from the manuscripts. She was pretty pleased with it and so am I. »

Ben Solo definitely had a talent to make her sweat like hell for absolutely nothing.

« Wow… Okay I didn’t expect that. Thank you… »  
« You always expect the worse from me. »  
« It’s not that. It’s just my first job and I want to do good. »  
« You did. So, as a reward, Mr. Hux and I thought it would be a good training to bring you with us to the book fair in Paris. How does it sound? »  
« Oh my… Really? Well, yes of course! A thousand times yes! »

Rey was over the moon. She was going to a work trip in Paris, with Ben Solo. And Armie Hux, who probably will not let her breath for one second but who cared? Hux finally swiped in.

« You have to pack tonight, we’re leaving tomorrow after work. And ask Liz to give you a laptop so you can work there. »  
« Yes, okay. Thank you so much! »

The young woman couldn’t stop thanking her two bosses. Hux excused himself and went to the bar with his phone after feeling it buzzing in his pocket. Rey was left alone with Solo, the two friends who accompanied them had left earlier. Was she supposed to go back to her table? Or was it rude to leave him alone? In despair, she took a crisp in the bowl and ate it, to have something to do with her hand and her mouth. 

« Did you get the time to read a little this past month? »

So he was engaging the conversation, it probably meant he didn’t mind her staying there. Because of the loud music, she had to lean a bit toward him to hear what he was saying. But she didn’t complain about that.

« Yes. I can’t go to bed without a book. Even if I fall asleep on it, it’s just… Comforting. »  
« What have you been reading? »  
« I am re-reading Anna Karenina. It’s one of my favorites. »  
« You like stories about unfortunate souls and impossible love? »  
« … I guess I do. »

He nodded and took a sip of his whisky. She mentally noted he was drinking it dry, no ice, no rock. Her eyes travelled from the glass in his hands to his face. He licked the remaining amber liquid on his lips and Rey thought it was one of the most erotic things she had ever witnessed.

« You should read Beautiful People by Jeffrey Dunn. It’s just out this week. It’s pretty good and I think you’ll like it. »  
« Isn’t it the last release of The Red Tree? »

The Red Tree was a competitor company. First Order and Red Tree were often tackling each other on the book market. Solo shrugged.

« A good editor knows when to recognize a good book, even if he’s not the one who published it. But I’m glad you’re keeping an eye on the market even if you’re not told to.»

Rey observed him while he talked. He flicked his head to her and smiled sincerely. At this moment, she was feeling like the luckiest person on Earth. She had the best mentor she could hope for and he truly appreciated her and her work. 

« What do you read at night? »  
« Me? I wish I could read for pleasure but these last months it had just been work… Correcting manuscripts, taking notes… »  
« Who has the chance to be proofread by Ben Solo? »  
« Everybody actually. After senior editors send me the final product… I still make some adjustments. »

Rey frowned. Ben Solo must had at least three different assistants, an army of the most competent editors and he would still do all the extra work at night?

« I get that you read the books to approve them but… Doing it all over again? »  
« That’s just how I roll. You’ll get it once you’ll publish your first book. It’s your baby as much as it is the author’s. You want it to succeed, you want to tell its story and be a part of it, even if you stay in the shadow. It takes hard work and passion. »  
« So… Have you been reading something really good lately? »  
« Yes I have. We’re presenting it in Paris, I’ll give you a copy for you to read on the plane. You’ll see, the author is amazing. »

****

When they left the office the day after, Rey had never felt more confident. She was in that black van with Hux and Solo, ready to conquer Paris. The trip was going to be short, but it was her first time outside of the UK, and she was spending it with the most amazing person. Sitting across the car, she was facing her two bosses and observed them. Hux was typing on his phone, as always, Solo was looking outside, lost in his thoughts. He’s been pretty silent the whole journey to the airport, sometimes throwing some random ideas at his two co-workers. Rey was taking notes of everything he said, just in case he would need it later. If there was anything she had learned from working at First Order publishing was to never think her boss had one empty word. Each and every sound coming out of his mouth was an idea, a thought, a note he would later ask about. His brilliant mind was working ahead of Rey’s, full of informations that needed to get out before he imploded. One by one, the young woman retrieved and stored them in her notebook. 

She followed the pair through the maze of Gatwick. She had to cross the border for the first time in her life and it was a scary thing. The two businessmen were much more at ease with the whole security process. She didn’t know why, but her palms were covered with sweat, her cheeks blushing from the anxiety of having to walk through the safety gantry. It was nothing when you think about it, but Rey was entering a whole new world.

An attractive steward lead them to the business class lounge and Rey thought for a minute she would never experience this anytime soon so she better enjoy this. As she was raving about the mini muffins a waiter offered her, Solo and Hux were back on their conversation. They didn’t leave their working outfits at the office. Hux was in his usual black tie suit and Solo had a dark grey blazer with business pants and a white shirt. He looked so dashing, brushing his hair backwards, the golden ring shining on his finger, his XXL smartphone appearing so small in his giant hand. 

Rey had been struggling that morning. What was she supposed to wear for a work trip? In the plane? For the hotel? The fair? Finn had helped her pick her clothes. At the moment, she was wearing a simple pair of black jeans, white shirt and a long grey cardigan. She thought about setting aside her fanciest clothes for the book fair. Right before they embark, Hux left for the bathroom and Solo focused on her.

« So… Not too anxious about this trip? »  
« I thought I’d be but no. Not really. I’m excited actually. »  
« Great. You’ll see it’s a good opportunity to get your head out of all the paperwork, meet people, see behind the scene. I just can’t wait to land and have a cigarette. The French have a way more permissive policy about smoking than in the US. »

Rey smiled a bit. As stupid and teenage-like it sounded, she thought his way of smoking was one of the sexiest thing about him. Sure it was unhealthy, but the way his mouth delicately pulled on the white stick was a treat to watch. 

« Do you want us to review the program during the flight? »  
« No, that’s fine, I trust you. I’ll probably sleep a little. »

Rey raised her eyebrow. It didn’t look like him to not use any opportunity to work.

« With all this jet-lag thing, I’m kinda dead right now. »  
« How do you do it? You were in New York two days ago, then London, Paris… Liz told me you were leaving for Shanghai next. »  
« I’ve been doing this for ten years, so I guess it’s a habit now. You’re young, it shouldn’t be a problem for you. »  
« As if you were that old. »  
« I feel like I’m at least 20 years older. I learned how to fall asleep anywhere, though. As long as I can sit and close my eyes I can basically take a nap anytime. This is how I keep going. »

Rey chuckled, picturing him snoring during a morning meeting at the office. This was probably something he wasn’t joking about with lots of people. And he proved her he didn’t lie. As soon as the stewardess finished the security demonstration, Ben Solo crossed his arms on his large torso, closed his eyes and fell asleep. Rey was still trying to understand how her business class seat was working when she noticed the peaceful face of her boss. He was sitting straight, his backrest slightly bent, the lines around his mouth and on his forehead totally relaxed. His chest was slowly rising and a lock of dark hair was falling on his lids. Rey sighed. She had work to do and no time to admire her married boss sleep.

Surprisingly for the young woman, their arrival to the hotel went smoother than she thought. Everything seemed so simpler when you had money. She fell directly on the white sheets of her bed. She had a whole room to herself, on the same floor than Hux and Solo. Spinning her head to the window she could see the city lights. Her view was like a dream. Facing her, the ancient walls of the Louvres were standing strongly for hundreds of years. She had been marveled by the service, the people, the beauty of the city.

Another black van had picked them up at the airport. Paris was gloomy, mysterious but luminous. When they arrived in the city, it was dark already but the capital shone with millions of lights. Hux and Solo didn’t pay attention but Rey had her face glued to the car window. From Charles de Gaulle airport, they had to cross the entire city since their hotel was located in the center. The staff had brought her a bottle of water and a plate of exquisite pastries. 

Rey looked at her phone: it’s was 9pm already. She was awake for thirteen hours and the night before she had that after-work party. A shower and _un petit éclair au chocolat_ will be enough for tonight. She kicked her shoes off, walking bare feet on the velvety texture of the rug, she squealed at the sight of the most incredible bathroom she had ever seen: marble all around, a double sieve, a gigantic mirror and of course, a bathtub that could fit three Reys. Finn was going to be SO jealous when she’ll show him the pictures. 

Quickly getting rid of all of her clothes, now curled up on the floor, she dived in the hot water. She could use a bath like this every night. The flowery bubbles soothed her aching brain from the long day. She will definitely take another bath before going back to London. While she was in an intense state of relaxation, her phone rang. Her foamy hands tried to grab the cell without damaging it and she read Ben Solo’s name appearing on the screen. « Fuck » she thought. She wasn’t near her laptop and hoped he didn’t need her to check on something while she was naked under water.

« Hello? »  
« Rey? Did I disturb you? »  
« Of course not Mr. Solo. Do you need something? »  
« We’re going downstairs for dinner, do you want to join us? »  
« Oh, I’m kinda tired right now. Is that okay if I skip it? »  
« Yes sure, just don’t be afraid to order something, it’s been a long day. Also, could you come to my room tomorrow morning before we leave for the fair? Let’s say, around 9? I just want to review the program. »  
« Yes of course. See you tomorrow then. »

Rey was feeling more at ease with her boss. Few weeks earlier, she would not have said no to the dinner proposition, just to be sure she wasn’t missing on something. But now, she knew he wouldn’t mind her not coming. Things were getting easier for Rey. She was confident in her work and his trust was one of the reasons she felt so great about everything involving her job. After she quickly swallowed two pastries and brushed her teeth, she set her alarm and fell deeply asleep between the clean silk sheets. 

****

Ben Solo and Rey had a big day. The book fair was very successful. Her CEO had been very popular, switching from one journalist to the other, shaking trillions of hands, meeting thousands of authors and giving one powerful opening speech. When they went back to their rooms, Rey felt a weird sensation in her belly. Before she could get in hers, he asked that she came with him to check a new chart he received earlier in his inbox. 

Rey got in the room, it was larger than hers. Tidy, clean, with his suits perfectly hung in the closet. He sat on the couch and loosened his tie, unbuttoning his black shirt a bit. Rey fell on the armchair facing him and opened her laptop. He looked exhausted, his hair messy because of the rain who had caught them heading back there. She knew he was stressed and didn’t have the time to relax yet. His day has been so full, he had no cigarette break since the morning when they left for the fair. 

His two large hands landed on his strong thighs, their paleness contrasting with the dark pants. Rey read to her boss the informations he needed. He listened to her vacantly and barely reacted to what she was saying. She watched him, waiting for an answer that never came. His tensed jaw, the gravity of his brows… She felt his nervousness in the air, chilling her to the bone. He needed someone to boost him back on his feet. 

Rey placed the laptop on the table and slowly crawled on the soft carpet until she reached the large gap between his spread legs. She knew exactly what he needed right now. His head shifted to see what she was doing with the buckle of his belt. Wordlessly, he watched her unzip his pants and part the fabric, feeling her little fingers brushing the last apparel standing between their two skins. 

Keeping her gaze on his face, Rey reached for his cock, warm and soft against her knuckles. It felt big in her palm, just like she pictured it. And it didn’t take long for it to twitch under her touch and her breath, so close. Her boss stared at her, his jaw clenched, while she traced a wet trail with the tip of her tongue, ending it on the cap of his shaft before she took him between her lips. She suddenly felt empowered, his pleasure caged inside her mouth, his head now sent backwards and a deep grunt coming out of his throat. 

Rey watched his body react to her every move, lick and caress, the frontier of hierarchy falling down piece by piece. Her tongue was working eagerly on Ben Solo’s dick as he released all the tension of the day. His hands grabbed her hair firmly, pulling it a little, pushing her harder against his crotch until he couldn’t take it anymore. 

As his veins were pulsating, coiled in the warmth of her mouth, Rey felt the waves of pleasure invading her body, starting from her loins. It was as good to please him as to play with herself alone at night. The growl coming out of his mouth, followed by a warm gush in her throat finished them together. Solo was panting, his shirt half opened on his chest, wet hair sticking to his temples. The sight of him, vulnerable, his nakedness against her mouth gave her the right reason to be a woman at this moment. 

She closed her eyes, printing this image in her brain forever. When she opened them again, a strident ring had brutally broken the spell. She was alone in her bed, the shy rays of the timid Parisian sun lightening the room. Her breath was uneven, her back sweaty and her lower belly radiating. Rey stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, mouth dry, clammy hands and heart pounding.

« Well, _that_ was unexpected. »

****

When Rey stepped in her boss’ room, she tried to forget the dirty images which kept popping into her brain. He was sitting on the exact same couch as in her dream, reading some of his notes. She sat on the armchair, just like her dream, and opened her laptop, clearing her throat with embarrassment. Solo finally looked at her.

« Good night? »  
« Hm… Agitated. »  
« Oh. I hope you’re ready for what’s coming, it’s going to be a long day. I already can’t wait to be back and just… Relax. »

Rey swallowed roughly and tried to make a smile that wasn’t too stiff or cringy. He sensed she was tensed because he tried to reassure her.

« Don’t worry, you’ll basically have to follow us around and hand me the files when I need them. »

Rey nodded, not the slightest anxious about her day but more about her reaction and her feelings toward her boss. Her dream had shaken her to her core. Sure, it was something usual to have erotic dreams about your friends, it happened. But this one was so vivid, so real and inappropriate. And she had never woken up so aroused from a sex dream before. Maybe she really needed to meet someone. 

Kicking her impure thoughts out of her mind, she hopped in her professional shoes. She couldn’t let this deviate her from her main goal: please Ben Solo - not in a carnal way - and convince him he should hire her as a junior editor at the end of her internship. 

Armed with her smartphone, notebook and the ton of files given by Hux and Solo to carry around the book fair, Rey was having a blast. Sure, she didn’t have time to eat, pee or even drink (good to prevent her from wanting to pee), but she met the most extraordinary people. Even if she was just an intern, Hux and Solo politely introduced her as their assistant to everybody. She wasn’t feeling bold enough to participate to their conversations but her smart brain recorded every little detail of the day. Impressed by her youth and her position, she also received lots of business cards coming from other companies. Were they trying to recruit her? To steal her from First Order? It was the first time she felt so wanted and important. But only one opinion mattered that day: Ben’s. 

The fair ended with her boss’ speech on the main stage of the convention. Rey couldn’t take her eyes off him. His poise, grace, wit… Everything felt even more inspiring than the first time she saw him talk and she was sitting in the audience. Now, watching him from the side of the stage, she knew how privileged she was to work with him. 

At the end, she handed him his heavy wool coat and helped him with his notes. Since he and Hux had a dinner with the fair organizers, he was giving her free time. She decided to explore a bit of the city. When she went out of the building, the sky was slowly turning from pale orange and pink to a deep blue. It had been sunny the whole day and the wintery celestial dome made her journey even more magical. The fuss of the inside had colored her hot cheeks and drove her head dizzy. She welcomed the chilly Parisian wind with relief. Her nose up, scanning everything around her, Rey was losing track of time and geography. She ended up biting in a falafel wrap that sent her to heaven, walking on the most romantic cobblestone street and following the vintage lamp-posts leading her to the Seine. 

The night had finally fallen on Paris and its velvet coat coiled Rey in a serene feeling. Helped by her smartphone map, she found her way back to the hotel, crossing with her wide-open eyes the Louvres courtyard. They had to be at the airport the day after at noon so the young woman gave the Comédie Française a last thankful look before heading into the warm lobby of her hotel. Her stroll around had emptied her mind and made her forget her wet dream from the night before. But everything came back when she ran into her boss while walking to the elevator. He looked surprised and pleased to see her.

« Rey! You just got back? »  
« Yes… I wanted to see as much as I could since we’re leaving tomorrow. »  
« Are you happy with what you saw? »  
« It was incredible. It’s the first time I am travelling abroad and Paris is a dream. I know it’s cliché but I can’t help it, the city is perfect. »  
« I wish I could discover Paris all over again too. You’re lucky, I hope you can come back someday. I’m gonna have a drink at the bar, care to join me? »

Rey would usually jump on the occasion to spend more time with her boss… But considering what played in her head not 24 hours ago, she wasn’t so sure anymore. She winced, torn between her will to know him better and her reason telling her she had to keep boundaries.

« Come on, it’s just a drink. We both need it after a day like this. »  
« Okay, just one drink then! »

Forgetting her good resolutions at once, she followed him in the luxurious bar of the hotel. The crimson walls, the pristine armchairs, the chandelier hanging from the ceiling… Rey was in another world, his world. They sat at a table and a waiter came directly to greet them and take their order. 

« A whisky, neat. And for you? »  
« …A glass of white wine please. Not too dry. »  
« Tout de suite mademoiselle. »

Solo watched the waiter leave and looked at the young woman, an amused grin curling up his mouth.

« You get a mademoiselle and I don’t even get a smile. Seems like the rude Parisian waiters like you. »

Rey giggled, adjusting her black skirt on her thighs. They both waited until they got their glasses to start the conversation. She didn’t know what she was supposed to talk about. Work? Paris? Books? 

« By the way, I’m sorry you couldn’t come to dinner with us. You would have been very bored anyway. Did you eat? »  
« Yes I picked up some falafels on my way here. »  
« Because I could order something for you. I haven’t ate falafel in like… Years. I heard they were good in Le Marais. » He added with a delightful American accent he probably tried to hide. 

Just like that, they started talking about food. French food, best restaurants in London, sharing pictures of weird stuff they saw in their respective hometown. Moving on to what was the best city in the world according to them. Of course he had much more to talk about, but he never made her feel like she was clueless. Rey liked to hear him think while he was talking, building sentence after sentence like you write an essay. His fascinating mind arousing hers minute after minute. At some point, the discussion landed on books. They were both passionate by the topic and it felt so good to exchange meaningful thoughts about literature. It made Rey miss College a little. 

Inevitably, she mentioned his wife. After all, she was one of her favorite authors, and he was the closest person to Audrey McLaren. Even though it felt weird to Rey to talk to him about the writer, she had this burning curiosity in her guts. 

« Oh, you know Audrey? » He smiled a bit while pronouncing her name and Rey’s stomach twitched.  
« I really love her work. I’ve read everything she wrote since she started. »  
« Oh wow… I’ll tell her. Maybe you can meet her someday. »  
« Oh, no it won’t be necessary. »  
« Why? She really loves talking about her ideas to people who really get her stories. It can be a good exercise for you too. »

Was she in a dream? All Rey could ask for was brought to her on a silver platter. Everything went so smooth for her career. But something in this conversation kept bothering her. Was it the wine? The lack of sleep? Or the fact that Solo was looking at her in the eyes when he was talking to her, seeing through her and making her feel warm and safe?

She noticed that everything in this scene was wrong. Her body was leaning too close to her boss’ arm, she was smiling way too much at everything he was saying, touching her hair too often, arranging it on one side as if she unconsciously wanted him to see the skin of her neck and shoulders. She had been acting like a horny groupie the whole evening, in spite of herself. 

And if it had just been that, she could be okay with it. Ben Solo was an attractive man, probably aware of the effect he had on women. In her office in London, all her female co-workers had admitted they wouldn’t say no to a little piece of this fine ass. So, she wasn’t the only one who felt for the dimple, the beauty marks and the shiny hair of the CEO. But she was probably the only one feeling like her heart could explode at any moment in his presence. 

At this point, she had stopped listening to what he was saying. Her pupils were tracing the sharp lines of his face, memorizing them, making them hers. Rey liked the way he was casually sitting on the couch, his legs spread, but not too much so she still had her personal space. She liked his left ear which kept peaking through his dark hair, his big hand playing with the crystal glass on the table. She liked when he was saying her name, sending her e-mails, asking if she was okay, congratulating her for her work. Right now, she liked that he was talking to her for almost two hours. 

Despite her chaotic thoughts, Rey was taking all in. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing, except her heart pounding harder and faster against her chest, her eyes going darker by the minute, chills covering her skin and a warm fire building in her womb. They had spend the entire evening talking about everything, bonding over their commonalities, sharing Rey’s last drop of her third glass of wine. The liquor had worked on the brunette and her head was heavy, her senses blurry and her skin warm. Their forearms kept brushing one against the other and Rey was stupidly laughing at his not-so-funny jokes. If it had been a date, it would have been the most perfect one. It would have been the ideal moment for him to kiss her. 

But instead, he tapped on his phone to see the time, revealing his screen background. It was a black and white picture of a beautiful woman sitting in a field full of wildflowers. The golden flicker of his ring burned Rey’s cornea, sobering her up at once. 

They parted in front of his room. He stayed casual through the whole process, wishing her good night. Rey, on the other hand, was trying to put on a good showing. It was one in the morning, she was lost, exhausted and felt nauseous. All the butterflies she had in her belly for the past hours had disappeared, replaced by harsh bat wings. In the safe warmth of her bath, she tried to reason herself. 

« He’s your boss. He’s older. He’s married. That’s all you need to know, stupid rat. »

She kept repeating the three facts over and over until she tucked herself to bed. For another hour, she was turning on the mattress, incapable of finding a good position. The pillows were the mellowest, the blanket was the softest, the sheet smelled the best… But slumber refused to ravish her. As she was staring at the ceiling a loud sigh escaped her mouth. She loved him. Every inch of her skin, every fiber of her hair, every drop of tears she was prepared to shed, loved him. She had fallen in love with Ben Solo like in a movie: the very first moment he’d walked on that stage. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, I'm kinda scared. Thank you for reading if you've come this far :)  
> I'll be happy to know your thoughts!
> 
> Find me on [ Twitter](https://twitter.com/ApfelTHS) too :)


	2. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At what point can a little crush turn into real love? Rey is paying a heavy price for being too close to the man she can't have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!
> 
> I'm very excited over chapter 2 because this is the moment for Rey to shape her future and the kind of woman she wants to be. I hope you'll feel it too!  
> Thank you so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos, I'm over the moon!

[ ](https://servimg.com/view/11189626/1359)

In a blink of an eye, April and its rain showers came before Rey could think about it. The young intern was now completely committed to her job. Waking up in the morning had never been so easy since she had started working for First Order publishing. In spite of the rain, the air was slowly getting warmer and the birds were back in the Londoner trees. She liked what she was doing even more than before since she wasn’t afraid anymore. Life at First Order was peaceful thanks to her co-workers (especially Rose) and she knew deep inside that she had found purpose for her life. Rey was basically reading for a living. Of course, she wasn’t in charge of anything really meaningful for the company, but every stone she had put on that wall meant something for her. 

She organized her own spring cleanup, tired of seeing so many stuff piling on her desk. One night, staying late so she could classify, throw away and tidy her work space, Rey realized she had accumulated so many useless things it was astonishing that she could still work properly. As the intern was figuring out what to do with the tons of magazines in her drawers, she came across an old issue of Forbes left there by the former owner of her cubicle. On the cover of the magazine the date drawn her attention: February 2018. It was a Valentine’s Day special issue.

Rey looked through the pages, tumbling on an article about power couples around the world. She lingered on the pictures, turning the pages, only to find out Ben Solo and Audrey McLaren were ranked between the Clooneys and some Japanese rich heirs she’d never heard of. Her boss had his serious face on the picture, holding his wife tightly against him. They both wore red carpet outfits and looked dashing. Rey sighed, closed the magazine and threw it right into her trash can. It was one thing to know Ben Solo will never be hers. But another one to witness he was happy with somebody else.

When Rey had come back from Paris, she had thought that her little infatuation would fade away, because it was what usually happened with those silly businesses. But it didn’t. In fact, she was deeply missing the New Yorker. The young woman cherished every little moment they had spent together, especially that intimate night at the bar. It wasn’t much, and it didn’t mean anything to him, but what she’d felt that evening had been more intense than any other moment of her former relationships. _Pathetic_ , you say? Rey was very aware and not in denial at all.

She often looked at the door of his empty office, sighing in despair, not knowing what to do and feeling shitty. Life had not been very merciful for her but as she was finally finding the right path, something had to pull her back. It couldn’t happen to her, not here, not now. Everything was perfect, her life seemed on track. Except for this one, tiny detail: she was in love with her boss. 

Rey was still cleaning her desk, also trying to get rid of her thoughts, when a notification appeared on her screen. She clicked on it and smiled. It was another email from Solo. Since Paris, they had started to exchange daily messages. They were innocent, casual, sometimes funny and deep but never flirty. Rey had set her own boundaries when she’d started replying to him: he must never find out about her feelings. In his last email, he mentioned the book he was reading, quoting it, asking for her opinion and attaching a picture of the chicken wrap he was currently eating for lunch at his desk.

She felt a little bit of pity for her boss who didn’t get a proper lunch break in weeks, getting himself ready for another long period of travelling all around the world. Ben Solo had ended his email with something Rey wasn’t expecting so soon but gave her heart an electric shock: he was coming at the end of this month for business meetings and was looking forward to see her again.

Butterflies started to fly inside of her stomach at the thought of meeting him in a few weeks. She knew it was wrong, but it wasn’t like she could stop it or even act on it. Rey had accepted her feelings, as long as they weren’t getting her into trouble. She had said nothing to no one, not even Finn. Her best friend thought she was acting all weird about that Paris trip but didn’t look further into it, and she was grateful for that. But every day was a challenge for Rey who kept talking to her boss through their daily emails. Their conversation had now spread in a long 119 messages thread.

Before she replied to him, Rey took the opportunity of being alone in the office that night to go to Solo’s room. She cautiously grabbed the doorknob, as if somebody could hear her. A grating sound followed the opening of the door and she quickly closed it behind her. The room was as he had left it the last time he came: clean, warm and intimate. Rey crossed it, walked behind the desk and sat on his chair. It was so large for her but she felt powerful, sitting on his throne. She brushed the wooden surface with the pulp of her fingers and clicked on the mouse. The iMac screen lit up but she didn’t know his password so it was useless. Not that she wanted to spy on him, but she was just curious. Did he change his background for a picture of his wife? Rey shook her head as if the thought could fly away and set her free.  
In the first drawer of his desk, she found a bottle of perfume. Grabbing the fragrance, she watched the clear liquid floating inside. The label was grey with elegant letters forming the name and brand of the perfume: Acqua di Parma by Colonia Pura. Rey resisted the desire to open the bottle and drown in its scent and put it back where it belonged. It was enough voyeurism for one night.

She stood up and let her feet lead her to the library in front of the desk. In addition to the books he had published, he had a collection of rare editions of books, most of them were her favorite. The Great Gatsby, a French one of No Exit by Sartre and an old illustrated version of Alice in Wonderland, probably a first edition. From his office, Ben Solo had the best view of the city. The lights of London were shining like a midnight sky in the middle of nowhere. 

Before her mind could linger on picturing her boss watching the view with her at this specific moment, she stepped out and went back to her booth. His email was still unanswered, so she started to type. It took her a few minutes to find the right words and not end her message with a « I love you » flashing gif but she sent it and switched off the machine. 

Outside, the rain that had been pouring the whole day had made the atmosphere wet and cold. Once seated in the tube, she opened her phone, connected to her work email platform and read again the answer she had given him, trying not to think about how obsessed she was about him. She had tried to stay professional once again and not be too familiar but he was making the task very difficult lately. Being so nice to her had to be abnormal, right? She had ended her email with the most casual answer, even though she was ecstatic at the idea of seeing him again.

_« I’m looking forward for our new encounter. I have some new ideas I wish to pitch you. Also, I think I found the perfect place for you to eat falafel in London. »_

While she was rereading, a new email came in her inbox. It was him, answering already. When she opened it, her heart had already started his usual love-race.

_« Always so serious Rey. You’ll pitch me your ideas over falafels then. But I hope we’ll talk about something else than work ;).  
PS: why are you still at the office? It’s 8pm in London. »_

No, no no! He had mistaken her intentions. She wasn’t planning on going to dinner or lunch with him. She wanted to suggest him a place to eat not… Spend time alone with him outside of the office. Dear God, what had she done? Also, what was that: talking about something else than work… and a fucking wink? She had to clear things up and not let her heart go to places she couldn’t reasonably follow. 

****

That month went by very quickly for Rey who was drowning under piles of files and manuscripts. Between her internship and her social life, she didn’t have time to think about her boss, which was a good thing, but also a frightening one. She thought she could prepare for his arrival, reason herself one last time but the clock worked against her. In all of this mess, she finally introduced Rose to Finn and it had been one of her best decision.

The pair was getting along very well and it couldn’t make Rey happier to stop divide her time for the two of them. Her best friend and Rose were very different but had the same qualities she valued in friendship: loyalty, kindness and empathy. The young woman felt very well surrounded between her goofy roommate and the boss lady that was Rose. Finn was trying to make it as an actor and as a graphic designer, Rey’s new friend had accepted to help him with his book and create a website for him. Of course, Finn, after getting cranky about it, was over the moon and had also adopted Rose.

The trio was spending a lot of time together at Finn and Rey’s place, mostly watching movies, singing karaoke songs and getting drunk in the pub next to the Shard with all of the First Order crew. But as close as they were, Rey still didn’t mention THE thing. The one she was still afraid of admitting out loud.

Consciously or not, the day before her boss was coming back to London, Rey went to the hairdresser. She couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid she was to have this spark of hope in the bottom of her mind. Hope of what? That he would open the office door, see how pretty she was with her new haircut and ditch his wife who he loved dearly? Rey wasn’t that stupid. But despite her emotional pit of misery, she wanted to feel good about herself. And a pretty hairstyle was all she needed right now. 

So, when the intern walked in the office on Tuesday morning, her hair shortened to the middle of her neck, she felt proud everybody was looking at her. She sat at her desk as usual and switched her computer on. Rose glided with her chair and hit Rey’s table.

« Hello gorgeous. » She said with a seductive voice.  
« Hi Rosie! »  
« What did you do to your hair? You look like… A girl boss. »  
« I like where you’re going. I just wanted to try something new. »  
« It suits you. You have a jawline to die for. What are we going to eat for lunch? »  
« Rose, it’s 9 am. »  
« So? »

Rey chuckled. Rose was always hungry and now they shared the same biological clock. The two women started to work, sending each other silly jokes on the office chat app. While she was laughing at a gif of a cat afraid of a cucumber, her body stiffened when she felt a warm breath on her - now very naked - nape.

« I see we’re having fun at work. »

Ben Solo was just behind her, reading her screen on her shoulder. Her eyes balled into two perfect circles, her back straightened and her mouth dried up in a second. Rose was sending her a distress look above her cubicle wall but Rey decided she had to relax. After all, he had sent her hundreds of messages, he knew she wasn’t just working without any breaks. She spun with her chair to face him. His hair had grown and was almost touching his shoulders. Gosh, how beautiful he was. If Rey had been alone staring at a picture she would have probably grunt. Because that was what Ben Solo made of her: a thirsty animal. He had that mocking smile of his that said: « I know I own your ass. » At least, that was Rey’s understanding of that naughty grin.

« I see you’re late Mr. Solo, it’s ten o’clock. »

 _Who_ was she?!

« I’m never late Johnson. It’s the clock who’s too early. » He chuckled while heading to his office. « Nice haircut by the way! »

A deadly silence fell on the open-space when he shut his door. Rey swallowed her saliva, trying to calm her nerves and went back to work. In spite of her apparent collected attitude, she could feel the eyes of her workmates scanning her. The chat bubble she shared with Rose started flashing again.

Rose.T: _What was that?_  
Rey.J: _What? - She typed, faking the innocence._  
Rose.T: _That thing with Solo! He was… so friendly with you!_  
Rey.J: _I know right? So weird._

Rose didn’t raise more questions but she was staring at her thoughtfully. Rey tried to focus on her job all day, in vain. The contracts she was reading seemed to be written in Chinese, the manuscripts she had to comment were all dull and she was constantly disturbed by something: a chair too low, a tea too cold, the light of her screen too bright… She was looking for an excuse to stop working. Solo stayed in his office all day, ignoring Liz and Hux. Apparently, he was busy that Monday. When she left the Shard, he hadn’t come out yet. 

The next morning around 11, she received a message on her chat box. It was coming from him. His profile pic was a coffee mug and his name was crimson red. How Ben Soloish of him. 

Ben.S: _lunch in an hour?_

Rey froze for a moment. He could see she had read his message since there was no way to remove the « read » parameter. So she had to act quickly. But could she really say no? Rey swallowed and started to type:

Rey.J: _sure. falafel?_  
Ben.S: _falafel._

A small grin bloomed on her face. Now, she had to tell Rose that she wasn’t having lunch with her, and give her the reason. The real reason. She couldn’t keep lying, or omit, that she had feelings for the boss. First of all, because she trusted the young web-designer. And then, also because she needed support. 

Rey.J: _can’t have lunch with you today Rosie._  
Rose.T: _whyyyyyyyy? I wanted to try that new pizza joint on the pier!_  
Rey.J: _I’m gonna tell you something but you can’t tell to anyone, scream or make a weird face okay?_  
Rose.T: _I’ll give my best. Shoot._  
Rey.J: _I’m having lunch with Solo._

Rose’s face appeared above the cubicle wall, her mouth falling wide open, her bang almost frizzing from the surprise. Rey heard the loud and fast tapping of Rose’s fingers on her keyboard.

Rose.T: Y _OU WHAT?_  
Rey.J: _please stay calm. there’s nothing to be excited about. It’s just lunch, so could you please act as if it was normal when the others see us leave together?_  
Rose.T: _sure, do you think I’m a gossip scum? Well of course I am, but that’s only because you’re gonna tell me everything after. Right?_

Rey didn’t answer, smiling and hiding behind her screen.

Rose.T: _Right?… REY!_

Rey laughed out loud. Though, there was nothing to laugh about, but at least she knew how happy Rose was to have a bone she could chew on.

Almost an hour after, Rey went to the bathroom. She had to pee to relax her bladder who was going nuts. The black tea wasn’t the only thing responsible for that state. And also, she wanted to check on her appearance. Standing in front of the mirror, she rearranged her jumper, her jeans and shamefully applied a rosy nude lipstick. Well, she was a business woman now, right? Working ladies were always prepared. 

He was talking with Liz when she came out of the bathroom, his coat already on his shoulders. She quickly walked back to her desk, retrieved her own stuff and let her feet lead her, as confident as she could be, toward him. 

« Great, thanks Liz. I’ll send it to my assistant in New York. Ready? »

Now, he was talking to Rey. The burning gaze of her coworkers in her back made her voice very low and squeaky. She threw a small « yes, Sir » and they headed to the elevator. Silence filled the binnacle. She wasn’t going to lie: it was awkward. When they stepped out in the street he finally spoke, breaking this thick weirdness cloud between them:

« So, where are those fabulous falafels you were talking about? »  
« Follow me Mr. Solo. You won’t regret it. »  
« I hope so, I’m coming from New York to try those. By the way, I’ve been thinking about the best moment for you to come visit the city: New Year’s Eve. It sounds cliché, but we always rent a boat to bring our friends to see the midnight fireworks on the Hudson, away from the crowd.  
« It looks… Dreamy. I’ll consider it. »

Rey had a nervous smile but her inner self was laughing out loud picturing her on a boat full of strangers and the Solos - plural - watching the fireworks. She might as well just jump into the cold river and sink. It would be the perfect move to illustrate her state of mind.

« While we’re at it, could you call me Ben? »  
« I… I don’t know, it seems a little too…Familiar? »

There it was, Rey was sweating.

« At least when we’re out of the office, then? »  
« Mr. Hux still calls you Sir and stuff. »  
« Hux is an idiot. I mean, don’t take it the wrong way, I don’t hate him. But he’s trying too hard. So would you? Call me Ben at least when we’re off-duty? »

Rey was biting the inside of her mouth. Of course she wanted to, but the more he grew on her, the more risky it was to be familiar with him. But, as weak as she felt, she capitulated without a fight. It wasn’t like she had the choice, anyway.  
They arrived at the falafel joint: a small restaurant with few tables and an open kitchen. Luckily, the crowd hadn’t left the office yet and a table was available. From the moment he engaged the conversation about his last memories of eating street-food, they couldn’t stop talking. This time, it was even more difficult for Rey to not smile like a kid in front of her birthday cake when she was looking at him talk with his big hands. 

« By the way… About that thing you saw on my computer yesterday… »  
« I thought that was very funny. I want to try that with the Colonel. »  
« The Colonel? »  
« Yes, I have a cat in New York. His name is Colonel Mustache. Don’t ask. »

While he retrieved their orders, Rey was still staring at him, her eyebrows up not knowing if he was making fun of her. But the candor of his face made her burst into laughter. Ben Solo, a Clue nerd? Really? He didn’t seem to mind because he joined her and gave her more insights on the fabulous life to the Colonel Mustache. 

Ben was chewing on a falafel he had entirely put in his large mouth with one bite, attentively watching Rey talk about something they probably won’t remember later. She sometimes stopped in a middle of a sentence to catch her breath, grab a bite but especially to absorb the fact that his eyes were piercing through her soul.  
The conversation was going on for several minutes when Rey’s legs stiffened a little. The CEO knees had started brushing hers. She wasn’t surprised, the tables were very small, forcing proximity between the guests of the restaurant. And Ben Solo was a big man. She tried to move her legs on the other side but they kept meeting Ben’s. At one point, he apologized for kicking her during the whole lunch. In total honesty, she wasn’t mad about it. 

« So, do you have a lot to do this week? »  
« Just the usual amount. »  
« Would you care to accompany me for some business meetings? »  
« Okay, each time you’re asking me something like this, do you really think that I’m in a position to say no? »

Ben laughed, taking a sip of his coke and shaking his head. 

« Yeah, I guess not. But I’m a gentleman, I’m still asking. I talked to Hux, he’s fine if you’re not at the office this week. He says you could use some time outside to learn something. Not that you need more learning. »  
« I’ll do it. I’m your woman. I mean, I’m… your… Whatever. »

Rey drank too, unable to do anything else involving her fucking mouth who kept getting her into trouble. Solo didn’t seem to notice anything and was already biting in a big piece of carrot cake. 

« It’s just that… We’ll probably have a job opening in the future, so if you’re interested you might want to be the best candidate. »

Rey’s stomach twitched. A real job in First Order was all she aspired to get these days. That, and the other thing. But the reasonable and possible one was now reachable. She stared at her boss.

« Listen, Sir… Ben. I want it. I want that job, I’ll do whatever I have to do. I swear, I’ll- »  
« Relax! You’re not having the interview now. Young people are hungry those days! And I know that you’re capable, Rey. I know that. »

He had landed his warm hand on her forearm and she could feel the heat going through the fabric of her jumper. It was a reassuring gesture, but it burned her to the bone. She said nothing, her pupils frozen on his palm slowly moving away. It was more difficult than she thought it would be. 

In the elevator, while he was checking on his emails, Rey observed him in the mirror. His features, his height, his teeth biting his lower lip… She was on the edge of something that was slipping through her fingers. Finding a job was enough of a burden for her young self, she also had to struggle with the worse type of love she could ever get: the unwanted, unshared and impossible one. 

She went back to her chair in silence, greeting him of a last nod before he stepped into his office. Her eyes on the screen weren’t reading anything. She was just staring blankly at an email, faking to work but truly wishing to go back under her blanket and never leave her bed. Her chat window kept buzzing while Rose was eagerly attempting to know more about her lunch. But Rey wasn’t in the mood to have fun about it anymore so she left it unread. 

At the end of the day, her co-worker came in her cubicle with her own chair and sat down in silence, scanning her friend. 

« So, I can see something is wrong and that you’re not gonna tell me. »  
« Everything is right. » She answered, blankly.  
« Did he tell you he wasn’t offering you a job? »  
« No. »  
« Did he say your work was crap? Because if he did I swear I- »  
« It’s not that Rose! »  
« So what is it?! » Rose squeaked.

Rey sighed. She wasn’t going away with this, she knew it. Rose was still staring at her as if Rey was going to suddenly burst into fire. Or in tears.

« Can we… Talk about this outside? »  
« Sure. Drinks are on me tonight. Take your coat, we’re leaving. »  
« I’m not finished. »  
« Don’t care. You need to show the world that new haircut and this booth is tired of your moon face. »

Rey followed Rose to their usual pub. As the young woman went to order some pints, Rey was thinking through this. Was it a good thing to admit her feelings? She didn’t want Rose to laugh or make a big deal out of this because right now she was in pain. 

When she swallowed her first sip, Rose hit the filthy table with her fist.

« It’s bed-time story mommy, feed me some! »  
« Rose… »  
« Okay I won’t goof around I promise. But if it’s serious you have to tell me. I’m not just here for the fun and the food… Oh that would be a great name for a bar, wouldn’t it? »

Rey chuckled a bit, amazed about Rose’s fast mind. Her friend was already miming a flashing sign and a bar counter when Rey interrupted her. 

« I think I’m in love with Ben Solo. »

Rose stopped in the middle of the special ultra spicy nachos recipe and looked at Rey with her narrowed eyes.

« What do you mean you’re in love with Solo? You mean you would hit on him? Because I would too, if you know what I mean. »  
« No, it’s serious. »  
« Oh, Rey… »

Rose’s face fell a bit, concerned with Rey’s tone. She grabbed her friend’s hand in hers and waited for her to continue her revelations.

« I know it’s stupid. And it’s doomed and… I know that. I don’t need you to tell me. But it’s a fact and today I realized how awful it was. And how ridiculous my life is and is going to be. »  
« First of all, your life isn’t ridiculous and your feelings aren’t gonna change that. But, are you sure it’s not just a crush? »  
« It’s been two months already. Maybe more, I don’t know. »

Rose looked stunned so she drank a little bit more and Rey imitated her. She really needed booze tonight. 

« You didn’t tell me anything. »  
« It was difficult enough to admit it to myself. Now I’m just, sad I guess. »  
« Does he know? I mean, suspects and acts on it? Or does he flirt with you? »  
« Oh God no! He’s absolutely done nothing inappropriate! I’m the stupid one who’s in love with her married boss. »  
« We don’t choose Rey, don’t beat up yourself. You’re sure he doesn’t take advantage of you? »

Rey tried to think about it. He didn’t flirt with her but he was sending her emails and inviting her to all sorts of events, meetings… And now he wanted her to assist him for the rest of the week.

« I don’t think so. I mean… Not gonna lie we talk a lot. By emails and even during lunch… And in Paris we spent the night at the hotel bar talking as if we were friends or something. But he’s not flirting Rose, I swear. He’s always casual, friendly but I don’t feel it that way. »  
« Maybe you should… Take a step back. »  
« I can’t. I just can’t. He said he might have a job for me. »  
« God Rey, are you sure he doesn’t know?! This seems way too suspect to me. »

Rey caged her head in her palms, not sure about anything anymore. From the outside it looked like an abuse of authority, of course. But Ben wasn’t the type to use somebody else’s feelings for his own benefit. Also… He didn’t ask for anything more than her professionalism. 

« I know you’re worried, Rosie. But I assure you he’s been nothing but a gentleman. »  
« I trust you, it’s them I don’t trust. »

Her friend threw a furious look at a random group of men sitting at a table nearby. Rey felt good about admitting the truth to Rose. She wasn’t being judged but protected. They spent the evening talking about the matter and it felt so relieving to Rey that she truly asked herself why she didn’t confess earlier. Even if it made all of this more real, it was easier to de-dramatise her situation. 

****

The following days, she was with her boss to every meetings and projects he had planned for his visit in London. It was exhausting, sometimes hard to follow but the amount of work he was giving her made Rey forget, for a few moments, that she was crazy about him. In fact, he wasn’t sparing her at all. Now that she proved him she had a brain and knew how to use it, he wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to rest on her laurels. 

On the second day, after 3 business meetings, a quick lunch where she barely ate a cup of yogurt with granola and one trip to the bank, they were sitting at the back of a limo. He had been so formal and stressed the whole day that Rey had not dared to yawn or breath too loud. His tired but bossy voice filled the vehicle interior:

« Can you hand me the Sheffield report please? »  
« The Sh… I don’t have it. »  
« I asked you to take it yesterday. »  
« I’m sure you didn’t but I can- »

She stopped in the middle of her sentence, rendered speechless at the icy burnt of his gaze. He wasn’t ready to hear anything involving her lack of competence right now. But Rey was certain he had never talked about that fucking report. In silence and swallowing discreetly the few drops of saliva she had in her mouth, she checked in her inbox to see if there was anything mentioning the files he needed. Nothing. His eyes had gone back on his own phone and she took advantage of those extra seconds to text Liz about it, praying the secretary could help her, fast. 

The limo stopped and he went out for a smoke, asking her to stay inside. She saw him walking away and lighting a cigarette. Rey didn’t wait much and called Liz.

« Hello? Rey? I just got your text, the report is on his desk, he asked for it yesterday. »  
« Who did he ask to take care of it? »  
« Me. So I did, it’s on his desk as always. »

Rey sighed, she didn’t do anything bad and he was just mistaken. But something told her that her boss wasn’t in the mood of being wrong today. 

« Rey, breath. He’s not gonna kill you. »  
« You don’t understand, he’s pretty pissed right now. »  
« Where are you going now? The bank? »  
« It’s done. I think he wants to buy a suit. »  
« He’s gonna go to Armani. I’ll send a courier. »  
« Thank you so so so much Liz, you’re saving my ass. »

Liz laughed and hung up. Rey tried to relax a bit before Ben came back into the car. He seemed less tensed than 3 minutes ago but his face was still serious, widening the gap between them. 

« You’ll have the Sheffield report when we’ll arrive at Armani. »  
« Good. »

He didn’t thank her, or asked her where it was and she knew that he’d probably realized he had been wrong and never asked her for anything involving that report in the first place. But he wasn’t just going to apologize to her. Rey repressed a sigh in her throat. That little episode put her back right in her place: she was his assistant and as nice as he was he wasn’t going to allow her one mistake. It wasn’t fair because she had played every rule by the book. Her anger clogged her thoughts even more when she realized she felt guilty to disappoint him and that it wasn’t even her fault to begin with.

Rey watched him bite his nails. It was probably nothing for him now, but it felt like the world to her. So when they got in the pristine Armani store and his voice had find his regular tone back, she was surprised and relieved. Two sales consultants were getting busy around him, talking to her boss with their most honeyed voice. Rey couldn’t help but smile when the woman complimented him on his new hair length. 

He seemed to come often because they already had his measurements and favorite style of suit. He was in a dressing room when Rey received a text from the courier waiting for her outside. She ran to pick up the file. It was raining now, a thin armless rain but she knew the storm was near. 

When she came back, Ben was watching at his reflection in a mirror, a navy blue suit on his shoulders. The wool blazer and pants were embroidered with light grey stripes and he was wearing it with a white shirt and a burgundy tie. Rey had never seen him wearing anything else than black or grey and it really suited his skin and hair.

« What do you think? »  
« Oh… I don’t know if I’m the good person for fashion advice. »  
« Just tell me what you think. »

« _Your ass looks like a perfect juicy peach in those pants_ » She thought. 

« It.. Suits you. » Was all she succeeded to articulate. 

One hand in his pocket, he reached for the file she was holding in her arms. 

« Oh sorry. Here it is. »  
« Thank you. »

Ben unbuttoned the jacket, sat as if he was owning the place and opened the report, not the slightest bothered by the inquisitive faces of the sales consultants. Rey observed them and smiled at them with a satisfied grin. If she couldn’t touch his bum, neither could that Armani bitch. 

The CEO paid for the suit and went out. The storm was now in full shape, flooding the street and making the sky look like it was 10 pm already. Rey was starving and wanted to go home to Finn, his great cooking and their comfy couch.

« What about Italian? »  
« What? »  
« I’m craving for a carbonara right now. »

Guess she was eating with him tonight.

****

Rey was probably experiencing what was the closest state before entering the gates of Heaven. Those bolognese pastas she had in her mouth were the best she’d ever tasted. Ben had taken her to a small Italian restaurant she knew nothing about. The place was tiny but people were lining outside. Of course, they let them in as soon as a table freed. Her boss seemed to know the manager of the restaurant who offered them a plate of _aperitivo_ delicacies. He didn’t mention the Sheffield report again and was acting absolutely normal. 

The subdued lights, the Italian vibes, the food, the candle at the center table… Rey was falling again in the quirk of her feelings. Perfectly aware that she had to put an end to it, she couldn’t help but ask him something she had been bugging about.

« Ben… Is your wife okay with… This? »  
« What do you mean? » He answered, his eyes still on his phone.  
« You… Me… Seeing each other alone so often. »

He swallowed a sip of red wine and looked at her, a bit uncertain of what she was meaning. And Rey couldn’t shut the sound of her heart throbbing in her ears.

« Your boyfriend has a problem with this? »  
« My… What boyfriend? »  
« The guy on the pictures you pinned on your desk. »

Rey’s brows knitted together, not sure what he was talking about. But then, it hit her.

« Finn? He’s my roommate. We don’t… I don’t have a boyfriend. »  
« My bad, you seemed pretty close. »

He started chewing on his guanciale again but didn’t answered to Rey’s question. But she had to know.

« So… Is she? Bothered? »  
« Why? That I spend time with my assistant? No she’s not, Rey. »

She would have liked to know she had imagine his tone going cold but she wasn’t.

« It’s just that.. we have seen each other a lot outside of the office. You didn’t have to invite me to dine with you again tonight and in Paris- »  
« Rey, I’m allowed to bond with women from work. Audrey spends her days with her agent, he’s a guy and I’m not mad. We trust each other. »

She felt like a little girl asking stupid questions to a grown-up. The young woman knew she wanted him to admit something he didn’t feel. He wasn’t embarrassed about spending alone time with her because she wasn’t a threat to his marriage. He even thought she had a boyfriend! She resumed eating her pasta, clearly frustrated. But he broke the silence again, clearly trying to make a point.

« I don’t know what you’re concerned about Rey, but I hope you’re not feeling like I’m taking advantage of you. »

She flicked her eyes to him, pressing her lips together and waiting for him to elaborate. His voice softened a little.

« I really appreciate you, as an employee and as a person. You’ll probably stay in this company, I’m just mentoring you. Someday, you won’t be an intern anymore and it won’t feel that weird that we’re spending time together, even if I’m your boss. »

Rey nodded, because there was nothing else she could have said or done. He was right, of course… If you casted aside the fact that her, spending time with him, was consuming her soul to the very core. When his chauffeur drove her home that night, she was silent in the car, listening to the downpours against the windows. He noticed but didn’t say anything, probably putting her lack of conversation down to the exhausting day they had. Right when she was about to close the car door, he stopped it with his strong hand.

« Don’t think too much. Good night Rey. »

****

One morning, Ben texted Rey to tell her he was working from his hotel room, probably busy with conference calls. But in the middle of the afternoon, she received another text asking her to bring him three books from his library. She sighed. Couldn’t he ask Liz to arrange a courier for him? He was leaving tomorrow, she could have been safe for another month or maybe two. And hopefully forget about him.

On her way to The Savoy near Covent Garden, it was like she was in Paris all over again. They were going to be in his hotel room, bringing back the intimacy of being alone once more and the forbidden aspect of it all. Her heart was pounding: this week had been the toughest one yet. Facing the facts made every task involving her boss a burden.

It was a sunny day so she had put on a light blue dress, buttoned on the chest to the neck, short puff sleeves and a twirling skirt. Her short wavy hair was casted on one side of her face, revealing the pale skin of her nape and ear. In the elevator, she put on a little bit of chapstick and pinched her cheeks to give them their life back. 

When he opened the door, Rey was surprised to not see him in a suit or at least in one of his blazers. Ben was wearing sweatpants, but not your Sunday kind of sweatpants. More like a luxurious home-wear. The fluid and light fabric was enhancing the length of his legs and the shape of his muscles. A tight white t-shirt molded all around his large chest made him look even bigger than he already was. Rey had never seen him so undressed and it gave her chills. When will life give her a break?!

Restraining her hungry inner self, she entered, the books stored in her big handbag. The room was luminous, lit by the gigantic windows by the bed. Though, the very Edwardian suite decor didn’t look like something he would have picked for himself. She smiled at the sight of his black jacket, the dark and sharp-cut leather contrasting with the soft beige of the couch where it was laid on.

« What are you laughing at? »  
« Nothing… I’ve never been here, obviously. But I didn’t picture you in a… princess room before. »

Ben looked at her, his two eyebrows raised and started laughing. Scratching his forehead with his thumb he answered with a smile:

« Yeah… My assistant in New York doesn’t really… Get my tastes. But she’s a great lady, I don’t want to upset her. »  
« Why don’t you stay at The Shangri-La? It’s in the Shard tower. »  
« I could but I don’t want to be too close to the office. I would just stay all night there. »

Rey nodded and handed him the books. He took them, throw two on the desk and kept the last one in his hands. It was a small, grey book with a card stock cover. She didn’t pay attention at first but she remembered what it was: a poetry book. Ben sat on the couch and flipped the pages. She stayed behind, curiously waiting for him to speak.

« I want to do something different. I like that we’re publishing novels and great stories… But I want to take a risk. »  
« With poetry? »  
« It’s really fashionable these days, have you seen it on Internet? Those Rupi Kaur stuff… That woman is a genius. It’s so simple and yet… People love it. Of course we can’t do the same thing, but it made me think that… Young adults might be ready to read poetry again. Come, sit. »

Rey walked around the couch and sat down next to him but kept her distance because poetry and Ben Solo in the same room was a risky bet. He was looking through the book, silently reading the lines, looking for something in particular. When he found it, his voice broke the quietness of the room, stopped the young woman’s heart and covered her whole body with chills. 

« I would sleep with the thought of you, with the silhouette of a single memory, with the scent left hours after you’ve touched me. I would lose myself in the folds of your dress, the fabric of the shirt you wore when you fell asleep leaned against my shoulder. Paint me in the soft focus fog of your tenderness, pull me from myself. »

As air was entering Rey’s lungs again, the loud thumping of her heart replaced the depth of his voice. As if he hadn’t shaken her world again, he read her the name of the author, a certain Tyler Knott Gregson. Absorbed by his task, Ben kept looking for other poems, scribing notes in the margin, biting the tip on his pencil. 

Still incapable of doing anything, she remembered his words from the night before. He had right to bond with his female coworkers. But reading her love poems was like giving Rey the key to a whole new path she couldn’t follow, but wasn’t strong enough to resist to. Drawn by her vivid wish to get closer, she approached him with caution. Now, she was reading the same lines he was on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything, tracing a trail with his finger on the words while whispering them. The shy warmth of the April sun caressed the pages of the book, surrounding them in a soft halo. The sound of his voice was singing to her ears like the soft blow of the wind on a Spring morning. Her heart calmed down as the heady scent of his perfume filled her nose and her brain. She was feeling warm again, safe in the small haven of their proximity. 

She didn’t know how long they stayed like this, reading poetry in their minds, sharing the power of the same words silently bonding them. Rey was irrationally thinking that he could feel that each love line she was reciting in her head was directed at him. As the end of the book was approaching, she parted from him at once. The soft and comfortable connection between them broke and she felt cold and very alone all in a sudden. He must have sensed it too because he woke up from his torpor and looked at her, wordlessly. 

« I should go. » She whispered, her breath short.  
« Yes… It’s late. »

She stood up and grabbed her trench-coat, biting her lips and shaking a little. 

« I’m leaving tomorrow… I probably won’t come back to the office. »  
« I know. »  
« Goodbye then. »

Rey nodded, strengthless, willing to flee from this room and scared of the words that might slip out of her mouth if she stayed longer and if he kept looking at her like this. She whizzed down the hotel stairs, too eager to get out and to look for fresh air. She had been too close to the edge and needed to calm her nerves and cry on someone’s shoulder. It was time to tell Finn about it. 

****

She had to wait until Finn was back from the gym to talk to him. They sat at their kitchen table, with noodles in their plates. The tension which had risen from her silence was so thick, Rey had lost her appetite. Finn kept throwing her looks and finally shot first:

« Okay, you HAVE to talk right now because you’re driving me nuts. »

Rey sighed, cornered and forced to say something. She drank a bit of water and knotted her fingers together between her pressed thighs. 

« I might… perhaps, have… feelings for my boss. Maybe.»  
« The Ginger lunatic? »  
« No, the other one. »

Finn finished what he had in his mouth, swallowed and looked at her with an obvious kind of look.

« I know that. »  
« You do? »  
« I kinda figure it out after your Parisian trip. You never said anything, you always avoid talking about him but when you have to there’s a spark in your eyes and a certain joy in your voice… »  
« Am I that readable? »  
« Like an open book. »

Rey caged her head between her palms, devastated. If Finn knew, maybe Ben had seen something too. And Hux, and everybody else at work. 

« Judging by your face, I guess it’s serious for you. »  
« I wish it wasn’t. »  
« And there’s nothing you can do to forget about him? »  
« No, I’m stuck. I think about him every little second. »  
« Does he know? »  
« Rose asked the same thing. But no, he doesn’t. »  
« You talked to Rose and not to me? »  
« Finn… »

Finn furiously chewed a spoon full of noodles. She didn’t need that, at all. He was purposely avoiding her gaze.

« Finn, don’t be a baby. I told her like two days ago, it’s not a competition. »  
« It’s not the fact that you told her that annoys me. »  
« Then what is it? »  
« It’s that you bloody hell knew for weeks, you clearly suffered alone and you didn’t think of me as worthy to know and support you. »  
« It wasn’t like that! Finn, I can’t handle being sad all the time and knowing you’re mad at me for childish reasons. »

Finn took his plate and went finish it in the living room. Gosh, boys were such babies. She followed his steps, facing him, her arms crossed while he was eating on the couch.

« Are you gonna be mad at me for keeping ONE secret to myself and pretend it’s not jealousy toward Rose? »  
« I’m not jealous. I’m upset. You always act like you’re alone in this world while I keep trying to be a good friend to you. It’s exhausting being your friend, Rey. »

Rey chewed her cheeks. She didn’t know what to say. He had a point: she never said when something was bothering her and usually he wasn’t so mad about it. But now, it was something that was deeply affecting her and as her best friend, maybe he should have known earlier.

« Okay, I’m sorry I don’t share as easily as you do Finn. I am and you know you’re my best friend… And the reason why I told Rose first was that… Well, she knows him for a start. And we’re not as close as you and I. And I didn’t want to disappoint you by being so… stupid falling in love with him. »  
« Come here. »

He invited her to sit with him and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, kissing her temple.

« You’re like my sister, Rey. There’s nothing you can do to disappoint me, besides casting me aside. And if you’re doing something wrong… We’re family, we’re fixing it together. »  
« Oh Finn… I’m in some deep, deep shit. »

Finn chuckled a bit and kissed her again, brushing her arm with his hand. Rey started telling him everything, just as she did Rose. And as jealous of her he had been 5 minutes ago, he had the same exact advice: to take a step back and avoid Solo. And while he was making a point, Rey’s phone started ringing. On the screen appeared a new yorker number. She picked up and a woman’s voice answered.

« Hi, is this Rey Johnson’s number? »  
« Yes, who’s this? »  
« This is Audrey McLaren. I’m Ben Solo’s wife. He told me I could call you if I couldn’t reach him. I hope it’s okay? »

Rey’s eyes balled as she looked at Finn in total panic. He was silently shouting: « what? Who is it? » Finally, the young woman woke up from her shock and started to articulate, as clearly as she could.

« Yes, yes sure. Can I help you? »  
« Ben isn’t picking his phone, I just wanted to confirm the time of his arrival in New York tomorrow so I can send a chauffeur. His assistant have to skip work tomorrow so I’m doing this. »  
« Hm… His flight leaves London at noon so he probably be there… around 3pm. »  
« Perfect thank you… You are the Rey he told me about I think? The one who likes my books. »

Rey’s mind kept bouncing between two thoughts: one loosing it because she was on the phone with Audrey fucking McLaren and the other one sobbing because she was on the phone with Ben’s wife.

« Yes, that must be me… »  
« Well, thank you Rey Johnson. For taking care of my husband and for being a faithful fan. I hope we can meet someday. »

Rey ended their call with a hysterical laugh and a horrified look on her face. Finn, who had stuck his ear against the phone, had the exact same expression with a touch of sorry look.

****

The next weeks, Rey went to work a bit relieved. Sure, Ben was still in a corner of her head but things went back to normal. The episode in his hotel room had traumatized Rey who was very careful with her words when she was answering his daily emails. He didn’t mention the poetry book again actually. Her routine reseted to what it was before it all went to shit and she recovered her collected attitude. She wanted that job and she was going to have it, even if it meant shutting her feelings off. But something that day turned everything upside down. 

While she was pouring boiling water in her mug, Nick, from the communication division, came to the kitchen corner. He was making coffee, whistling to himself and smiled at her. Rey added a dab of milk to her tea and smiled back politely. 

« So, how is your internship going? Pretty good, I heard. »  
« Excuse-me? »

She had never talked to that guy. He never sparked an interest in her and, to be honest with herself, she couldn’t dig his face. 

« You got yourself a good deal with Solo, am I right? »  
« I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean. »  
« Oh come on, don’t act all sainty with me. »

Rey was speechless. Was he implying what she thought he was? She threw the plastic cup of milk in the bin and slammed it hard.

« Not that this is your business, but nothing is happening. And I would like you to show more respect to me and your boss, who, if I recall correctly, you never spoke to in person. So, don’t mess with the wrong intern. »

Rey left the room, trying to ignore the mocking laughter that followed her words. Furious, she sat down at her desk, typed « who did you tell? » and loudly pressed send on the chat window she shared with Rose. 

Rose.T: _what?_  
Rey.J: _The thing, about solo._  
Rose.T: _I didn’t, are you mad?_  
Rey.J:…  
Rose.T: _Rey what’s wrong?_

Rey didn’t answer, closed the window and walked directly to the Peace Room. The place was empty and she sighed, relieved. After locking herself inside, she sat on one of the chubby footstool laying on the floor. The Peace Room was soundproof and the softened light made her feel cozy and alone at the same time. 

The young woman swallowed, staring at some invisible point on the wall in front of her. Her eyes started to burn as the lump in her throat was blocking air from reaching her lungs. She hadn’t cried about all of this yet, but she was now the closest of losing it. Her secret was out there and everybody thought she was having sex with him for work favors. She was punished for being a woman having a close relationship with a male executive. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t true but it also was not entirely wrong either. Something was going on but it was far from what everybody was expected. 

This time it was too much and she let herself go for a few minutes. A good cry was all she needed, but it also stung. As if it wasn’t difficult enough to find her place in all of this, deal with her forbidden feelings she also had to endure silly rumors about her relationship with him? What made her even more furious was that they could imagine he would act on it, take advantage of her. She knew him enough now to be disgusted by the fact that those stupid frat boys considered Ben Solo as one of them. He wasn’t. And that was why she loved him so much. 

As she was drying her tears, with her shaking fingers, a shy knock on the door disturbed her sobbing. 

« Rey..? It’s Rose. Open up… »

Still snorting and sight blurry, Rey unlocked the door and watched Rose enter and close the door behind her. She looked very concerned for her friend.

« What is going on? »  
« They… Nick said something that upset me… That’s nothing. »  
« Nick… The community manager? That dude is a douche. What did he say? »  
« Something about me… And Ben… Having an affair so I could get a job… »

Oddly to Rey, Rose didn’t look surprised and the young woman frowned.

« You knew about this?! »  
« No! I mean… There has been rumors… And I fought them all! But you know people… »  
« But how?! »  
« Well… You’ve been spending a lot of time with him. And you’re just an intern, Rey. So, it was obvious people would make assumptions. Not that I support it! » She added precipitately when Rey was about to shout. « But they’ll forget… It’s just that Nick’s boss is head of marketing and she wants to know everything that is going on here, just in case the company has to defend itself against a scandal… Like, the married CEO having an affair with an intern. »  
« But nothing is happening! »  
« I know that! But that’s not what matters. Appearances are what counts here. »

Rey fell on the footstool again. It was getting worse day after day. Rose squatted down and landed her hands on her friend’s knees.

« Listen, I know you feel terrible right now. But I promise it doesn’t matter. »  
« But what if he hears about it? What if I lose everything?! »  
« As if those pickle faces were going to go to the big boss and ask him if he nailed the intern real good. Come on, we’re talking about Nick and his stupid friends. »

Rose was right but Rey didn’t feel satisfied or reassured. She really had to end this. And the right moment came sooner than expected. Few days after her unpleasant encounter, she received the worst email she could ever get. It was from Ben Solo and her hopes of a bright future vanished. It was late in the office when she received it. She read it a thousand times, still not certain about what she should answer.

_« Rey,  
Thank you for your notes about the Passenger manuscript. It was very helpful. In fact, you’re always helpful, professional and it’s time we take the right decisions involving your future in First Order. I’m not usually doing this, especially since your under Hux’s orders and I don’t want to exceed him.   
Next month, it’s the First Order UK fifth anniversary. I’m coming to London with Audrey and Maz. I want you to meet them both, spend the week with us so you can get used to the team. The reason why is that I want to offer you a job, with me in New York. I know it’s a lot to take in, but I already talked to Armie and we both agreed that your place is in the head office.   
I’m very excited to welcome you here. I think you’ll love the city and the mother house. We have English tea and I heard a falafel joint just opened down the street. I’ll wait for you to try them.  
Looking forward to your answer, yada yada… You know the rest.  
Ben.  
PS: take your time, this is not an ultimatum. »_

It was now 7 pm, Rey was alone in the office, staring at the blank space where she was supposed to type her answer. The most important decision of her young life had to be taken right here, right now. Of course, he said she had time but the facts were going to be the same tomorrow or in a week from now: she loved him and his request will make impossible for her to escape her feelings. Plus, he wanted her to meet the one person standing between them… If you didn’t take into account that he wasn’t the slightest interested in her. 

After several minutes of browsing and two strong black teas which would keep her awake for days, she started typing her answer. Finding the right words was the toughest thing she’d had to do. She kept erasing letters, biting her nails and swiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. She didn’t even take the time to proofread her email, thinking that would lead her to delete everything, go home and never set foot at work ever again. She pressed send, put her trench-coat on and left the office without looking back. It was Friday and she had a movie night scheduled with Rose and Finn. 

When she stepped in the living-room, the two of them were already trying to figure out what they were going to watch. She had taken the underground, ordered a pizza and bought beers, walking around like a ghost, her brain empty of thoughts. She felt like the whole world was going to collapse and it was her own doing. When Finn came to help her with the groceries, laughing at Rose’s jokes, he noticed her serious look and asked if she was okay. It took only 3 nanoseconds for Rey to spill the beans:

« I told him I loved him. »

Rose ran to save the six pack before Finn dropped them and placed them on the kitchen counter. She heard Finn burst.

« You WHAT? »  
« I snapped. It was too much. »

Rose grabbed Rey and made her sit, taking her coat off and trying to soothe her friend with her palm on her back. Finn was going crazy.

« Rey, what were you thinking?! Have you lost your mind?! »  
« I don’t know I -»  
« He’s gonna fire you! Or act on it and take advantage of you or… WORSE! »  
« Finn don’t be silly, he’s not like that! »  
« Oh because you know him right? He’s married, Rey! Married! Do you understand how stupid of you it was to just- »  
« I KNOW! » Rey screamed. Her entire being was shaking, tears flooding out of her eyes. "Don’t you think I know that? It was just too much to handle I needed to say it. I needed him to understand why I couldn’t work for him anymore. »  
« You weren’t thinking! »

Rose, who had tried to place a word between the two friends who were now fighting each other, stood up and shouted:

« ENOUGH! Both of you! You! » She said, pointing at a very frightened Finn, « You are being insensitive. And You! » now turning to Rey, « You were unreasonable. But Finn, give her a break! »

They both sighed and Rey sat, more tired and desperate than ever. Rose threw an angry look at Finn who tried to object again. 

« So, what was the trigger? » Asked Rose.  
« He asked me to come and work for him… In New York. » She started, drying her wet cheeks. « He wants me to meet his wife and everything… I’m not capable of doing this, it’s getting worse by the minute. »  
« What made you think telling him the truth was a good idea? » Finn said with a sassy tone.  
« I know it’s not going to fix everything, Finn. But I’m tired of lying, I’m tired of being the only one struggling. He doesn’t feel the same way about me anyway, but I want him to understand why… I can’t. Anyway, it’s done now. Can we watch a movie? And not a rom-com, thanks. »

Her friends decided in a common agreement to not speak about the topic again. Rey was vacantly looking at the TV screen. Her mind was somewhere else, trying to connect with Ben’s who had probably already read her answer by now. When Rose went home and Finn finally let her alone in her room, she felt wrecked, hurting everywhere. Writing this email had taken all the strength she had left and now it was too late to take back any of the words she had sent him. Knowing that her night, and probably her week-end, were ruined, she grabbed her phone and connected to her professional mailbox. He didn’t answer yet but she wanted to read again what she’d told him.

_« Ben,_

_  
I can never thank you enough for everything you gave me: your advices, your kindness, a job, a special place in your world. From the minute I met you, I knew you were going to change me and my future. I was right, everything is different now. I’m more mature, more confident and I know I’m able to climb mountains if you need me to.  
But there is one thing I can’t do, and that thing is probably the most painful decision I’ve ever taken. I’ve been struggling for months, hoping it would fade and that I could live without the thought I’m missing on why you’ve been brought to me. _

_There’s no good way to admit what I shouldn’t, but you put me in a position where I can’t omit it anymore. I love you. Not the kind of love you expect to disappear with time. Not the kind of love I can put aside. I love you like a teenage girl who’s willing to drop everything for one more second spent with you. I love you like a stranger you just met but fell for you the minute she laid eyes on you. I love you like a fiancee running after the train while you’re going away. I love you like a wife who’s watching you grow old by her side. I love you intensely, painfully and forever._

_Not a thing you said or did lead me to think you could share he way I feel. I am alone in this bottomless pit of feelings and fears you might see through me. A constant flame is burning in my soul and rises again every time you look at me. Being next to you is a curse I can’t put an end to. I swear, I tried so hard to forget all about it, to be the woman you wanted me to be: professional, focused, essential. But this is my way to pay you back and be responsible for my mistakes. I can’t follow you in New York. I can’t meet your wife. I can’t be your friends if this is all we’ll ever be._

_This is not a choice I’m asking. There is no « her or me » in this letter, because there is no way I can win a fight I started against myself. I’m just asking you to understand why I’m rejecting your job proposal. I won’t say it’s not painful because it is. I would gladly spend the rest of my days by your side, just to hear your voice calling my name and your lips I adore smile at me. But this is not how I pictured my future self, chained to a one-sided forbidden love._

_I hope you won’t take all of this the wrong way. You’re not responsible for anything, I’ll accept any blame there is to take. I just want to let go of my feelings, let them die and stop wrecking me the way they do for months now. And there’s no way I can succeed if we have to be together every day. Please, find a way in your heart to forgive me and not think of me as weak and childish.  
Love,  
Rey. » _

That night, Rey fell asleep on a soaked pillow.

****

The young intern had been messing with everything that week. She wasn’t focused on her work, but who cared now that her future in the company was compromised? Hux wasn’t there for the moment, so there was nobody to yell at her when she completely fucked her work up. It had been a week since she had sent that love/resignation letter and Ben hadn’t replied to her yet. In fact, he had not got in touch with her for anything, even regarding work. It was like he went on with his life like she didn’t even exist. Rey knew that they had common projects they were working on and that he needed to contact her at some point. 

As much as it hurt her to be ignored by him, she was also scared he could be angry. Maybe Finn was right, it had been a terrible idea to share her feelings. But her roommate kept repeating her: it was done, there was nothing she could do now to delete it. The remaining thing to do was to wait until he manifests again. Food didn’t taste the same, time seemed to have slowed down and even colors faded away. After seven days of practically losing her mind, Rey received an email from him, but not the one she expected. He was answering to an old request she’d made about a contract he had not sent back. She bite her lip while downloading the missing file and sighed. Nothing was written in his response, but it wasn’t unusual. Ben Solo wasn’t a chatty one when he was working. 

When she came back from the copy machine where she printed the contract, it was here, the little « (3) » next to his first email. He had answered. She suddenly closed the laptop, unplugged it and ran to the Peace Room, who luckily, had plenty of seats left and sat down. Was she ready to read it? No. But Rey needed to put an end to her misery, right now. So she clicked on the email, took a big spoon of air and dived into his answer.

_« Dear Rey,_

__

_First, I want to apologize for the time it took me to answer. I can’t imagine how difficult it has been for you this past week… The truth is, I didn’t know what to say. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t suspect something was going on. I didn’t know what it was, it pained me to see you so tensed sometimes, wondering if I did something to upset you._

_It was never my intention to make you feel bad about yourself. As I said to you multiple times, I appreciate you very much and there is nothing more difficult for me than to say I’m sorry for the position I put you in. I’m honored that a young, beautiful, brilliant woman like you could ever think so dearly about me._

_I spend my days reading stories about love, and now I can’t find the words to make everything right. You had the courage to admit your feelings and I feel powerless writing those lines. There’s nothing to forgive, it’s you who need to forgive me. I never thought being close to you would lead us to this moment.  
I wish to talk about all of this when I’m back in London next month. I promise to not make this more painful as it is already. But I can’t let you go like that.   
Please, accept my deepest apologies. And if you need a moment off work, I won’t stop you._

_Ben. »_

Rey kept reading the letter over and over until her eyes burned. She already knew what to expect, but the rejection was now official. He didn’t love her and as polite as he was about it, it pierced a hole through her heart. Now, all she had to do was to keep working and wait for him to come to her hometown with the person who he shared his life with. What a shitty way to end this week.

****

Her last month as an intern had begun on a flying start. The whole office had to work harder, anticipating all the tasks that had to be done before the summer break. Rey was even more pressured because she had been trying to find a job for several weeks now. At the end of June, she was scholarship free and had to stand on her own two feet. It was a scary perspective and the thought of leaving First Order for the wrong reasons was tearing her heart apart. Even if Rose had begged her to stay, she helped her friend with her resume.

That day was the day when the CEO and his wife were supposed to land from New York. First Order UK was celebrating its fifth year as a successful publishing company and everybody was thrilled to have the boss coming to party with them, especially since he had always been generous during those events. Rey, on the other hand, wasn’t so excited. In fact, she had been severely punished for her insubordination. After exchanging those embarrassing letters, Ben had notified Armie Hux that Rey wasn’t going to assist him for his week in London anymore and that she’ll probably need reference letters to leave the company.

Of course, Hux had called her in his office and had spent 10 minutes yelling at her. « _Selfish_ », « _ungrateful_ », « _irresponsible_ »… The usually very pale face of her boss went from white to red in a matter of seconds. She was taking it all in, not trying to defend herself. She had nothing to say to explain Hux why she had to stop working for the CEO. After all, it wasn’t like Rey could admit she wanted to live happily ever after with Ben Solo to Hux’s face. 

« If at least you would have warned me first I wouldn’t have looked like a fucking moron reading his email! I’m your boss Rey. You have to refer to me for every decision you make before anyone else. »  
« I know, I’m sorry. »

Hux sighed, screeching his forehead. His beautiful copper hair was now very messy, matching to its owner mental state. Surprisingly, his tone calmed down when he spoke again.

« Did something happen? »  
« Like what? »  
« Like… Everything was so fine, you were such a good element. You had the biggest job proposal ever made in London for years… And suddenly you bail out. Did somebody or something… I don’t know, I’m trying to understand here. »  
« There’s nothing wrong… I just need to work for somebody else. I had the best time here and I want to try another company. »

He didn’t seem convinced. After all, who would be?

« You’re not gonna tell me anyway… And Solo won’t either. So, let me ask you one last time. I heard rumors… »  
« Let me stop you right here: those rumors are fake, disgraceful and truly… You need to forget about them. »  
« Okay… Okay. I feel like there’s nothing I can tell you to change your mind. But don’t worry, I’ll write good reference letters for you. »  
« Thank you… For everything. »

Hux nodded and flicked his eyes on his screen again. She had to leave his office, fast. Everybody had heard he’d been screaming at her, but nobody dared to look at her in the eyes. They knew she wanted to leave, still, they didn’t know why.

Her leaving First Order publishing wasn’t a relief like Rey thought it would be. On the contrary, all she could think about was the fact that she will never see Ben anymore. He would have no reason to send her emails, especially since he knew how she felt. Finn and Rose had told her multiple times it was for the best but she wasn’t in a state to really believe it would make things better. 

But one thing had improved in her mind: she wasn’t so ashamed about her feelings anymore. She could now look at him in the eyes and know it wasn’t her fault, there was nothing she could do about it and she was doing her best at handling the whole thing. He hadn’t reciprocate, but he wasn’t mad. Maybe that was the first step to recovery? Still, they hadn’t met in person yet. Things might be different when they will.

When he arrived that day, he was welcomed by lots of smiling faces. He hadn’t been present for two months and as serious as he was, you could say he was an appreciated boss. Rey observed him, hidden behind her screen. From where she was sitting, she could only see the back of his head and his broad shoulders. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and some of his hair was sticking to his neck. It had been very hot in London for days now and most of the executives had ditched the shirt for a more relaxed outfit. 

The sound of his laughter surrounded Rey in a warm halo, making her shiver. She tried to ignore him but the summery atmosphere seemed to have rendered him very cheerful. He saluted everyone in the open space and the young woman waited for her turn like a wild animal cornered in a cage. When she smelled his perfume right behind her, she turned on her chair and gave him her best fake smile. Her cheeks were so stiff that no one in a sane state of mind would believe it was a sincere smile.

« Rey. » Was all he said while nodding before going to the next booth. She was crushed. At that point she wasn’t even sure he would talk to her and discuss the matter. She resumed her task, trying not to let her sadness overflow her. The chat window she shared with Rose stayed silent, as if her friend knew even a comforting word would wreck her.

Ben didn’t stay in the office for very long. He had brought his own assistant from New York and had lots of meetings to attend to. Considering the fact that he also came with his wife, he probably didn’t have a minute to himself, or to Rey. So, when the third day came and the young woman told Rose she would join the company party later, they both already knew she was lying. It was the First Order last event before the end of her internship but she couldn’t attend. It was a black tie event, she had not one drop of motivation to pamper herself. Plus, Audrey McLaren was going to be there, all gorgeous with her long hair, her big eyes and the arm of Ben Solo wrapped around her minuscule waist. And Rey was not in the mood to endure that show. 

She stayed at the office, working on some project she had to finish before the end of the month. It was better like that. To cheer her up, she walked to the kitchen and made herself another cup of tea. When she came back, the tall and dark silhouette of Ben Solo was waiting for her in front of her cubicle. Once again, it was like all living forms in the world had disappear. It was just the two of them. He was wearing a black tuxedo, an undone bow tie hanging around his neck and a thick lock of hair neatly styled backwards. He was staring at her, making her heart stop. She wanted to drop her cup of tea, run and kiss him so hard that she had to remember how to breath in and out before she choked. It took her a few seconds to collect herself and walk to her booth. She wasn’t going to be the one who talks first, she’d already done that. 

« Rey… Can we go to my office? »  
« No. » She said, maybe colder than she had wanted.  
« Why..? Somebody could come in. »  
« I don’t want to be alone in a room… With you. »

He seemed pained and confused.

« I don’t understand. We’re alone here and… It’s the same. I didn’t think you were so afraid to be with me. »  
« Your office smells a lot like you. I’d rather do that here. »

He sighed, grabbed a chair behind him and sat in the small space of her desk, the backrest against his chest. He was close, but at least it was her office, not his. She was on a well-known ground. 

« How are you? »

Rey shrugged. She couldn’t help her icy tone. It was her way to protect herself against his handsomeness and the deep sound of his voice awakening all her senses at once.

« How do I look? »  
« Do you… still feel the way you did? » He asked, ignoring her previous question.  
« I still love you, yes. » She wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore and it seemed to shake him up.  
« Is there any way you could— »  
« What? Forget? I already told you— »  
« I know, but… Rey, I feel so bad. »  
« Why? You did nothing wrong. »  
« Maybe, I don’t know. I feel responsible for you. »  
« Don’t. You’re not my father, my teacher or anything. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. »  
« I know you do, and that wasn’t what I was implying. »

He was biting his pouty lower lip, scratching it with his teeth. It took a lot of strength for Rey not to throw herself at him. An electric tension was slowly building between them as they were staring at each other in silence. Finally, she reached for his hand and took it in hers. It felt heavy and soft against her skin. For a second, she wondered how it would feel like on the naked skin of her waist. He followed her gesture, not saying anything and waiting for her to speak first.

« I had a great time… I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you expected. »  
« You’ve never failed me. »  
« I don’t want to interfere in your private life. »  
« It’s kinda late now, don’t you think? »  
« Please, tell me I wasn’t wrong to tell you the truth. »  
« You weren’t. But now I can’t take it out of my mind. »

They intertwined their fingers, making them dance in the close gap between them. That was probably the only dance she will ever be allowed to share with him. 

« Don’t do anything stupid. » She said, blankly.  
« Why? »  
« Because I’m not that kind of woman. And you’re not that kind of man. »  
« You don’t know what man I am. »  
« Yes, I do. And anyway, I want you. Not just the late night texts and the hotel rooms you. If you’re not ready to give me all of you, there’s nothing holding me here.»

She felt his grip tightening around her knuckles. She had never seen him more serious than that night. Her hand wasn’t sweating anymore. She wasn’t shaking or feeling like the world was collapsing under her feet. She was so sure about herself. The way he looked at her at that moment proved her she wasn’t crazy, that her love had been worthy of being lived. It was doomed, finished before it could even start, but real… And somehow, shared. But, despite all of this, love wasn’t on their path. Pain, lies and agony were all what was lying ahead. Tears started to fall on her cheeks and she looked at her screen at once, fearing she might change her mind.

« Please, leave. I have work to do. They must miss you there. »  
« Tell me you’re gonna be okay. »  
« I will. Please, Ben. »

He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it slowly. The slight burn on her skin electrified her whole body. He stood up and bent to kiss her forehead too. A shiver waved from her head to the tip of her toes. And that was it. He had left her in the emptiness of the office and had gone back to his wife. 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's done. I hope none of you will be too mad at me for not playing it safe. I wanted to be realistic... Remember there are still two seasons to go ;)  
> Once again, I'm very eager to hear your thoughts so I can do better next time!
> 
> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/adamdrivwhore) too!


	3. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new job, a new boyfriend, a trip to the sea... It seems nothing can take Rey's mind off Ben. What if he couldn't either?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> I'd never thought this story could really please people so I'm really glad it did and you're still with me on Rey's journey! Your comments made me think, change a little bit what I've had planned for this chapter and I tried to make it better than it was, more realistic. I hope I achieved that because it's a very sensitive subject and I love all my characters with their flaws.  
> Anyway, enough talking, I hope you guys like slow burn!

[ ](https://servimg.com/view/11189626/1360)

It had been now 2 weeks that Rey had left First Order publishing. Her mornings were difficult and blurry. She woke up late, took a lazy breakfast in front of the TV and spent the day trying to remember the last time she had felt so down. It wasn’t just the work she was missing, it was also the perspective that her life was now empty of Ben’s presence. He was gone, forever. 

He and Hux kept their promises though. They had arranged an interview for her at The Red Tree and she got the job right away. Having two high calibres of the book industry making calls for you was definitely making things easier. She had to start working at the end of the month of July so she could get used to the company before the end of the holidays. The pattern was the same as her first days at First Order. But as happy as Rey was to start a new life, it tasted different... bittersweet. 

That day, she’d finally accepted to go out with Finn. Rose was supposed to join them in another pub than their usual, just so Rey could take a break from the whole First Order crew. Summer was now here, the streets of London were dizzy from the heat, the parks were invaded and everybody seemed so happy the sun was back. Rey couldn’t be. After Ben had left her alone in that office, she had spent one entire week crying every night before finally falling asleep, or rather so: in a coma. It had been painful and exhausting. 

Finn, who was the witness of it all had no clue on how to react and soothe his best friend. He had asked her many times how he could make things better, but the answer was always the same: there was nothing nobody could have done. Even Ben was powerless in that matter. If only she could erase her memory, but even that didn’t comfort her. She cherished the moments they spent together so much.

« Do we hate Solo? » Finn had asked one night after spending two hours rocking Rey against his warm chest.  
« No… He did nothing wrong. »

Rey had snorted and tried to dry her cheeks. June was finally over, but now she was coping with all those months of stress, mental restrain and one big, fat heartbreak. Ben hadn’t tried to text her but the young woman couldn’t delete his number from her contact list. It wasn’t something she was ready for, yet. And you never know, she might need him for her work. That was what she was telling herself those longs nights staring at his contact sheet. 

When Finn dragged her out of the apartment that hot summer night, she tried to take all of the good vibes around her and absorb them. Finn had forced her to dress up a little. With her short spaghetti black dress and her strappy kitten heel sandals, Rey felt like she hadn’t gone out for years. Her hair had grown a little and she was wearing a deep red lipstick. The pub was full and she had to admit it to herself: she was having fun. 

The sound of conversations was loud, people were happily cheering with each other and the smell of booze made her feel weirdly at home. Like it was just another night after a long working day and they were having fun, not caring for anything else in the world than laughing, drinking and making good memories. Rey was also glad she had found Rose and Finn. Both of her friends were supportive, trying to avoid the hot topic and showing her that there was life after Ben. At least, for a few minutes. 

« So, from now on, Rey has to go out at least three times a week. » Rose started, a pint in her hand. « Or otherwise a kitty dies! »

Rey laughed, toasting with her silly friend. She had tried to push those thoughts away but they kept coming at her: Ben had a cat. She suddenly wondered how was the Colonel Mustache doing, what color he was and did he purr on Ben’s lap when he was working late at home. The feline looked probably very small in her former boss’ hands, cuddling and brushing his soft head against the man’s chest. Shaking her head to forget about it, she stood up and walked to the counter to order another drink. The place was loud and it took a moment before the bartender noticed her. That’s when she met him.

Poe was a cultural mediator working in a children center. He was sweet, sexy, warm and funny. As soon as they started talking, Rey felt lighter. He invited her for a drink with him, even payed for Finn and Rose’s beers to keep the young brunette with him a little longer. Oddly, she wasn’t mad about it. Everything was easy with Poe. He didn’t ask a lot of questions, he didn’t make her feel uncomfortable, he wasn’t taking himself seriously. It was refreshing, simple, sweet. Something she wouldn’t imagine for herself so soon. Two days after meeting him at the pub, Rey had accepted his proposition to go out on a date with him. Poe took her to the Rooftop Film Club in Peckham. The sun wasn’t totally gone when the film had started, the sky was bathing them in a diffuse pink light. 

She didn’t remember what movie they’ve watched. All she could think about were his warm tanned skin, his slight Spanish accent, their hands timidly holding between the two seats, the light breeze on her neck and the taste of popcorn on his tongue when he kissed her that night. After a long walk home and a talk in front of her door, it took 5 minutes to Rey to decide she wanted him. Poe was making court to her and it had not happened in forever, she liked it. It was numbing her brain from the pain. Leaned on the fence of her building, she had pulled him closer, sealing their lips together, brushing his soft and curly hair with her eager fingers. 

Poe had seemed surprised at first, but he had not complain about her sudden thirst. She was throwing herself at him, desperately and intensely. As strong as her wish to get rid of Ben, haunting her steps, she also desired Poe who was everything her former boss was not. When he hold her tight, Rey felt the sweet flame inside her stomach rekindle. She was wanted and it wasn’t forbidden or painful. Losing it against Poe’s firm chest, she let everything go that night. For a few minutes it was just her, him, the sheets and their loud breaths. 

Waking up in his arms every now and then felt natural from the first night they’d spent together. Every time his body crashed hers on the mattress, she tried to erase the thoughts of that other couple, probably tousled between the sheets on the other side of the planet. She wanted to be free of picturing Ben holding his wife in his arms, her loud and deep breaths echoing in her ears. When it happened, she was closing her eyes stronger as if it could make the images disappear. Poe helped by transforming her gloomy days into a summer of love: frivolous, joyful and promising. Poe forced her to get out of bed everyday, invited her to read stories to the kids he was tutoring, baked cookies with her in his kitchen, drove all the way to Brighton one week-end so she could see the sea, snort and throw water on him. The drops sprinkled all around them and shone like diamonds under the sun when she ran to chase him on the sand. She’ll always remember the flicker sparkling in her brain that day when she’d watched him tumble in the waves, burst in laughter and pull her closer so they could kiss, lying right where the foam was crashing on the shore.

The water was freezing and they kept shivering the whole afternoon but it felt good to be free of the insecurities poisoning her for so long. Poe had let her braid his hair on the top of his head. He had bought her a bucket and a plastic shovel so they could built castles in the sand. It was the first time she had done this since she had spent her childhood in the foster system and none of her families could drive her to the beach. When Poe had poured the water in the little river bed they dug, Rey had screamed with joy and excitement. Her boyfriend had looked at her with endearment. That look in his eyes had immediately made her feel guilty. She should be honest with him.

That week-end, when they were still sitting in the sand, eating grapes while watching the sun go down, Rey finally talked about Ben Solo. Poe kept his mouth shut during the whole process. She described him and told her lover the truth. Admitting to someone everything that had happened was cathartic, even though she was fearing what he could think about her, about them. While she was talking, he never laid eyes on anything else than her. Her gaze was set on the slow waves, brushing the wet sand, following the rhythm of the warm wind of this British summer evening. Her eyes finally fell on him when she finished talking. The golden light made Poe’s dark eyes look like melting chocolate with champagne bubbles. He didn’t seem mad or jealous. Just concerned. 

« Did he say it back? »  
« What? »  
« That he loved you? »  
« No… Never. »  
« Do you wish he did? »  
« What do you think? Of course… But in a way, it’s better like that. I don’t know what he really thinks. Even if he did love me, it would have been impossible anyway. »

Poe shrugged and kissed her shoulder. 

« Will you see him again, for work? »  
« Maybe… I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in my new firm. Why? »  
« I just want to know if there’s a chance you’ll forget him by the end of this summer or not… »

Rey had stared at him, admiring his collected attitude and the way he wanted to make sure they could move on a sane relationship. He was thankful she confessed to him, but when he made love to her that night, she could feel him being more possessive and eager to make her his. Caging his body between her thighs, Rey had let him bite her neck, pull her hair and hold her tighter than ever. Being the only one and the subject of such an intense lust was a nice change. They ended up panting, his weight burying her in the mattress, her breath purring in his ear, their slippery skins burning from their embrace, lost in time.

Few days after their little escape, Poe properly met Finn, Rose and all of Rey’s friends. He had been approved by most of them and made Rey’s summer way more cheerful than what she thought it would be. One day, when they were all gathered in a fun fair, Rose waited until the boys went to play on one of the rifle games to talk to Rey. 

« Poe seems like a good guy. »  
« Yes, he is. It feels great to be with him. »  
« Does he know about… »  
« Actually, yes. »  
« And??? »  
« And what? It’s not like he really had competition. »  
« Yes but… Is he cool with it? I mean it’s not like you forgot Solo in a blink of an eye. »

Rey took a sip of her soda and looked at Rose with a dismayed look. After all, even with her apparent good mood, Rey was still hurting on the inside.

« Do we need to talk about this now? »  
« No, I’m sorry. It’s just that… I think you’re moving on too fast. You’re not over him and you’re rushing things with Poe to convince yourself you are fine and… That’s not sane. »  
« Maybe you’re right. But what can I tell him? I still love my boss so we should stop right here? He knows. So let me enjoy this until I can’t hide it anymore. »  
« But… That’s not fair! You just said he’s a good guy, don’t you think he deserves better? »  
« Are you on my side Rose or what? I’ve had the worst year emotionally speaking, can’t I have a break? He’s a big boy. »

Rose sighed and said nothing. Rey knew she was right but the young woman was not in a state to admit it out loud or to follow her advice. She wasn’t able to think sanely since Ben had left her alone in her booth. Rey hadn’t say anything about what they talked about that night. Not the specifics, at least. Finn and Rose didn’t know Ben almost offered to cheat on his wife with Rey and that she declined, closing the door between them forever. She had been the mature one, but this harsh decision had made her life a living chaos. She was lucky Poe was such a good guy and didn’t take advantage of her weakness. 

Watching him play soccer with Finn and the other guys, she smiled a bit. Even if he was a rebound, she felt good about it. He actually helped her a lot to get back on her feet. Ben had always been supportive but they could never be intimate. Poe was here for that, bringing balance to what she had missed for so many months. And now that she had been honest with him, they both knew where the young woman was standing.

But it was too late. The seed Rose had planted was now blooming in her mind. Later that day, when Poe was finally asleep right next to her, Rey was contemplating the ceiling, unable to relax. Rose’s words kept bouncing in her mind, intoxicating her thoughts. Poe was a light snorer, his breath who usually rocked Rey to slumber, was now disrupting her. She bite her cheeks, trying not to yield to temptation, namely: check on Ben. They had not speak for weeks now, she didn’t know what he was doing with his life but the fact that everybody kept telling her she wasn’t over him was giving her an excuse to send him something.

She cautiously grabbed her phone, looked over her shoulder to check if Poe was still deeply asleep and opened Whatsapp. There it was, the last text Ben and Rey had shared was on April 28th: “ _take an extra coffee for you_ ”. It was about work. In her phone, there was almost no trace of their complicity. Everything was locked up in the depth of the internet after she had deleted all her personal emails from her professional mailbox. 

Rey clicked on his profile picture and smiled. He was wearing that light blue shirt she loved on him, slightly open on his chest and his hair looked so shiny. This picture had been taken during an interview he had made for Times magazine. She remembered it because she had stared at it for at least 10 minutes when Liz had handed each of them a copy. Wetting her lips, Rey started to type. “Hi!” _No_ , she thought. She typed again, erased, and typed… Nothing made any sense. She wasn’t supposed to contact him. She had asked him to leave her in peace, she couldn’t disturb him. Not now, not ever. 

She was about to throw her phone away when a white new bubble appeared on her screen. He had just sent her something! Her heart fell in her stomach, a cold sweat glidenning down her spine. It was a simple black question mark and he knew she had seen it because of those fucking blue checks. Rey swallowed. She could just ignore him, what was he going to do about it anyway? But she wanted to answer. Of course. So she did.

_“What?!”  
“I saw you typing for like 10 minutes.”  
“How would you know?”  
“I was looking at our convo.”_

Rey shivered. He wasn’t hiding the fact that he was doing the exact same thing as she was. And it would be a very coward thing for her to do if she chickened about this. 

_“I just wanted to check on you.”  
“I’m fine. You?”  
“Fine.”_

It should be it. She should try to go back to sleep. But he was typing again and her pupils narrowed, staring at her screen. She had totally forgot Poe, still snoring next to her.

_“Enjoying your holidays?”  
“You could say so… And you?”  
“I’m in Portugal. It’s nice.”  
“So, almost same timezone. Why aren’t you asleep?”  
“I needed to think.”_

His last text was followed by a picture of what looked like an ocean shore by night, probably his current sight. It was beautiful, peaceful and kind of lonely.

_“Lovely. Think about what?”  
“You, mostly.”_

Now her hands were sweaty too.

_“Ben.”  
“I know. I’m not trying anything here. I just want to figure things out without being an ass.”  
“This conversation is already too much. We both know it. There’s nothing to figure out so good night.”  
“There’s so much I want to tell you.”_

She hesitated for one minute to answer to him. But if ignoring him would put an end to this conversation, she wasn’t that strong.

_“There’s somebody else you could talk to, you know.”  
“You make me look like an awful person but there’s a whole lot you don’t know.”  
“I don’t want to know. I CAN’T know. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want you to be a jerk. Please don’t be a jerk.”  
“Can I call you?”  
“No!”_

Rey was already sitting, fearing he might actually call because this man never took ‘no’ for an answer. And the fact that Poe was right there made her feel sick about herself.

_“Why?”  
“You’re not listening to me. I can’t be involved in this. I can’t be the one you turn to when you need to talk, especially about your marriage.”  
“You’re too good to someone you don’t even know.”  
“If I were, I wouldn’t have told you in the first place. I put everyone in deep shit. And don’t try to make her look bad. IDK anything about you two but it’s not my place to hear you complain about her.”_

Ben had stopped answering for five minutes now but Rey’s eyes had not stop staring at the screen, still hoping to see the bubble appear again. She had been harsh, he deserved it but the simple thoughts of him being unhappy was enough for her to reach again.

_“I didn’t want to be rough. I just want you to understand how tough it is for me to stay reasonable and do the right thing.”  
“I know it is. You’re carrying us both on your back and me going after you would be unforgivable. I just wish we could put our feelings aside for a minute and talk, but that’s not possible.”_

_Our_ feelings? She wanted to scream and punch the wall with everything she had. It took every bit of strength buried inside of her to not text him something that would make everything go batshit. But instead, she just sent him a short “goodnight” to which he answered with a simple “take care” she tried to ignore. _Our_ feelings? 

****

The first week of her new job, Rey quickly disenchanted. The office was bigger and even with half of the staff on vacations, she felt very small in a very big corporation. First Order publishing was a big company but managed like a family one. Here at the Red Tree, people sat alone in their booth and worked without communicating. She wasn’t going to be a junior editor yet, which kind of bummed her. But it was a job, one that would allow her to pay rent and feed herself. Plus, she was going to be someone’s assistant and she knew she could do great in that position to climb her way up the company quickly. 

The senior publisher she was going to assist was an old guy specialized in historic novels. Rey thought that at least, she would read stuff she really liked during her stay here. But she already missed the dynamism of her former team. Surprisingly, Luke Skywalker wasn’t anything she could have imagined him to be. This time, Rey had googled him - pictures and all. But she didn’t know what to expect of the man. He welcomed her in his office, a temple of literature, old history books piling on the shelfs and weird maps from worlds she didn’t know anything about pinned every where. 

He was nothing like Hux. He always made sure she had taken notes about what he was saying, admiring that she was still using paper to work instead of those « creepy machines ». During their meetings, he often gave water to an arum in a seriously great shape. She learned few weeks later that he liked to read the manuscripts he received to the plant and mostly wait to see how it was responding. As odd as she thought it was, Luke Skywalker’s office was a breeze of fresh air inside the cold building. She was doing everything for him: from coffee in the morning to reviewing every book sent to his office. And there were a lot of them! On the walls of his room, Rey had seen several awards randomly framed as if somebody had forced the old publisher to display them. 

Luke Skywalker was starting to grow on her. He knew everybody in the industry and made several jokes about Ben, which, she laughed about shamelessly. It was never mean, always clever and affectionate about the young CEO. She even learned that Solo had made him a proposition once and he had to refuse just because he didn’t want to disrupt his old habits. One night, right before closing her files, he called her to his office and made her sit down.

« Rey, I gotta be honest with you. We didn’t hire someone coming with such good references from First Order to make me coffee and listen to my nonsense. »

The young assistant didn’t know where this conversation was going and her body stiffened a bit.

« I’m old and even though I still look like the handsome man I was - don’t laugh, young apprentice - I am not able to do everything that is expected of me. I can’t travel as much as I did and I don’t want to anymore. I can’t swallow miles and miles of pages every week either. I’m gonna tutor you until you’re ready to be an editor yourself, so I can retire in peace. »

Things weren’t turning that bad in the end. 

****

On the last weekend of August, Rey had asked Poe to come with her at one her favorite authors’ lecture. The forty something man had just released a new book and Rey’s wish to meet him could finally become possible. She had bought the book the first week it came out and was standing in line in front of Hatchards, the oldest library in London. Poe met her in the line, bringing a vanilla ice-cream they both licked while waiting for the opening. Her summer love couldn’t have been more romantic that the one she had with Poe. He almost made her forget Ben. Almost.

« I am so glad to share this with you, you know? »  
« I know, that’s why I came. »

He brushed her hair backward, kissing her vanilla lips and pressing her body against his with his hand on her loins. Poe was always so tactile and soft with her. He was wearing the sandy polo shirt she had offered him for his birthday the week before and she arranged the collar neatly before caressing the base of his nape. He had made himself so nice for the occasion, she appreciated the effort. Rey was wearing the light blue dress she had worn when she was with Ben in his hotel room. She tried not to think about the day she almost admitted she loved him when he was reading her love poems. The young woman blinked several times, trying to delete the memory of Ben’s hair scent still in her system. 

They finally got in the library and someone from the staff guided them toward the conference room. The old cream rug, the book shelves covering the whole room from the floor to the ceiling, the smell of old pages, the feeling of so many souls pacing the alleys of Hatchards transcended her. Too excited to sit down, Rey stayed behind, holding cautiously the book close to her chest. 

« What do you like about this author? » Poe asked her while reading the back cover of the book.  
« He’s just… I don’t read political literature but… He always finds a way to give a good critic about our society or our governments by using stories about the people. He’s making subtle statements. Like a modern Hugo. »

Poe had told her several times how he loved her passion for books and her knowledge. In his eyes she felt legitimate. Scanning her surroundings, she thought about how many people walked in her steps, talked on that old wooden platform, shared their thoughts and changed the world with their words. A shiver travelled down her spine when she closed her eyes to imagine it. A rustling filled the room as the staff announced the arrival of the writer. Timothy Fraser appeared waving at people in a black t-shirt and blue jeans. He was charming but what aroused Rey the most was his brain. As he sat down, thanking a young woman for bringing him a glass of water, Rey’s heartbeat fastened suddenly and something heavy fell in her stomach. On the right, a bit on the side, there he was all tall, dark and glorious: Ben Solo. 

Rey swallowed the big lump in her throat and looked at the back cover of Fraser’s book. How could she missed the black and red logo of First Order publishing? She had been so stupid but even if First Order was the publisher, Ben was never here for lectures. It was still summer, most of the executives were on holidays right now. But not Ben freaking Solo. She guessed his Portuguese trip was already over. His skin was lightly tanned on his face and on his strong arms sticking out of his short sleeves t-shirt. He was also wearing a white top and blue jeans. Next to him, she recognizes Maz Kanata. The small woman was often mentioned in the professional press as one hell of an editor. And of course, he came with her worst nightmare: Audrey McLaren. They were all here. 

When she thought about it, it made sense. Timothy Fraser was one of the biggest accounts for First Order, of course the boss was here. But why with his wife? Audrey was glowing. Her long hair was tied in a messy bun only truly beautiful people could manage to make look that good. Her olive skin had turned darker, perfectly contrasting with the light green of her eyes and the coral mid-sundress she was wearing. Rey’s eyes flicked down: of course she was wearing heels on the rug and was totally comfortable and graceful with them. 

Rey sighed, trying to reason herself: it wasn’t a problem that he was here. He was going to focus on Fraser only and not see her. Especially if she hid behind that tall girl next to her. But what about when she’ll queue to meet the writer? Her heartbeat raced faster, making her hot and sweaty.

« Did they turn the A/C off? »  
« No, actually it’s quite chilly in there. You’re hot? Your face is very pale Rey, are you okay? »  
« Yes… No actually. Can you go to the buffet and grab me a glass of water please? »  
« Sure. »

Poe left her side, giving her a few minutes to collect herself. She had to calm down, to stop her hands from shaking and her rib cage to torture her lungs. His wife was here, he’ll never come to her, not after their last texts. She had specifically told him they should stay away from each other. Timothy Fraser was talking for 5 minutes now and her mind was anywhere but with him. She was staring at the author yes, but her soul was floating above her body. That was her mess, it was on her. Why couldn’t she just leave his company and not tell him about her feelings? And what was she most afraid of? Meeting Ben again? Confront his wife? Ben meeting Poe? Or the other way around? As her heart was slowly climbing in her throat, she froze, her eyes colliding with Ben’s. 

Time stopped, the crowd, Poe, Audrey… They all disappeared. It was just him, standing across the room, and her still tightly hanging on the book as it was anchoring her to reality. A soft melody played in her mind, as if she was in a movie. It was a slow and melancholic piano song soothing the beats of her heart. And as time passed by, the notes became louder, stronger, making her feel whole again. He didn’t stop staring, only breaking the bond to blink. She traced the line of his face, lingering on his hazel eyes, resting on the mellow of his mouth, gliding on his long neck and stopping where his arm disappeared: on Audrey’s back. 

Everything came back in place at once: Fraser, the listening crowd, the books, the reality. But he still hold on her gaze. It was only when Poe interrupted her with the water she asked for that she cut the bond. For the rest of the lecture, Rey tried not to look at him but his eyes were all over her face, she could feel it. When the author closed the book, he received a round of applause and people started to line in front of the table provided for the purpose to get their books signed. 

Poe grabbed Rey’s hand to find a good spot to wait for their turn without being in the crowd. She was still feeling dizzy but she knew it wouldn’t go away as long as the threat was still in the library. Rey was about to tell Poe that she’d rather leave but a very tall shadow approached them. Her mouth dried up and she felt like dying the minute Ben opened his mouth.

« Rey, I’m surprised to see you here! »  
« Oh… Hi, Mr. Solo. I didn’t see you back there! »

She wasn’t sure she was even good at lying. 

« Well, we came to support Tim and enjoy the last days of the British summer. It’s quite different from the Costa Verde, where we were. Oh, sorry I didn’t introduce myself: Ben Solo. I was Rey’s boss a few months ago. »

The CEO offered his right hand for Poe to shake. His eyes narrowed a little but he responded in the most polite way he could. Rey felt him stiffened next to her, his fingers clenching around Ben’s bigger palm. « I’m Poe, her _boyfriend_. » It didn’t seem to bother him that the man was two heads taller than him, he clearly emphasized on the last word, making sure Ben knew he was well-aware of the whole situation. But why on Earth would Ben make such a move? He quickly refocused his attention on Rey again, as if Poe didn’t even exist.

« Why are you queuing? I can introduce you to Tim after the signing session. »  
« That won’t be necessary thank you Mr. Solo I- »  
« It’s Ben, remember? »

Rey was so nervous she didn’t even answer to his sneaky remark. And to add more drama on top of everything, Audrey McLaren joined the conversation. Her perfume filled Rey’s nostrils at once. It was elegant, delicate, flowery but not too candid. Two locks of auburn hair were dancing around her perfect face and she didn’t wait for her husband to make the presentations. It was like she knew.

« You must be Rey Johnson. »

Rey shook her hand, feeling electrifying shocks from where their palms touched. Audrey was genuinely smiling but her right arm immediately wrapped around Ben’s when the two women parted.

« It’s really nice to finally meet you, Rey. My husband told me so much about you. »

The young woman wanted to scream her way out of this. She wanted to punch Ben in the face for coming talk to her, knowing it would create a drama. And even more: she wanted to kiss him until they both died of suffocation. But she wasn’t that girl anymore. She was soon to be a junior editor, her mentor was one of the most respected publisher of all the United Kingdom and there was no way Ben Solo could make her feel like he was the only light at the end of the tunnel anymore. So she smiled back and tightened her grip on the book for courage.

« I’ve read all of your books. Every word, every page… Fire and Smoke is still on my night table and I would probably bring it everywhere with me if it wasn’t this big. »

Rey tried as hard as she could to maintain her best face, leaning on Poe when she felt her legs were shaking too hard and Ben’s eyes were burning too hot on her cheeks. He didn’t say anything for the whole conversation, probably lost in his thoughts too or cooking something evil, who knew? The library manager invited the Solos to a fancy drink in the backroom of the store. Of course, the couple had to ask Poe and Rey to follow. If she said no, Poe would feel she was hiding something. She didn’t want him to be more uncomfortable as he probably was right now. When the young woman went to the bathroom, a few minutes after swallowing a whole champagne flute, she didn’t know she had taken another bad decision on this already awful day. 

Audrey McLaren was washing her hands. Rey nodded shyly while the author was taking a nude lipstick out of her purse. Before Rey could enter one of the booth, Audrey’s voice broke the awkward silence.

« Don’t act as if we both didn’t know. »

Rey stood there, stunned by the cold tone in Audrey’s voice. The woman pressed her lips together and swiped a bit of lipstick on the corner of her pretty mouth, watching her sort of rival through the reflection of the big old mirror. How was she supposed to react? How much did the woman know? And had Rey really done something to be blamed for? Before she could even think of answering those questions, Audrey broke the silence again with her words as sharp as knives thrown at the young brunette. 

« I know women like you. You think you’re the only one falling for him? »  
« I-»  
« Spare me the lies. Or even better: spare me the fake apology part. »

Rey was left speechless. Audrey wasn’t ready to hear her speak even though Rey genuinely felt like she had done her best to avoid the drama. It had broken her heart to renounce him, she didn’t need his wife to lecture her. But the writer just seemed in a mood for battle. Her warmth from the beginning had totally disappeared, revealing a bitter, wounded woman. 

« It wasn’t hard to spot on. The way he talked about you, the way you suddenly disappeared… And now, the look both of you share. »  
« Listen, I don’t know what you think you’ve seen or what he told you -»  
« Oh come on! He’s a man, of course he didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to, I’m not stupid. And I read your email. » Audrey said, without screaming. But her icy tone froze Rey on the spot.  
« If you did then you probably know I didn’t want anything to happen. I respect you, I-»  
« Oh my God! » She started to laugh hysterically. « When you respect someone, you don’t tell their spouse you love them! »

Well, that part was true, Rey couldn’t deny it. Audrey’s collected attitude was gone. The young brunette was feeling anger radiating from the writer who was trying very hard to keep her voice still. 

« At first, I thought it was an early midlife crisis. I even suspected it was because we can’t have children and that he was obsessed with your youth. But no, he actually likes you. »

Watching the woman losing her temper, confronting her, her voice breaking more and more as she was confiding, Rey could feel nothing but guilt. She had done damage to their marriage. She had thought that Ben and Audrey were perfect, but they were far from it. They had flaws, problems and wounds Rey had reopened. The young woman sighed, scratching her forehead. There was nothing she could say that would repair her mistake. But on the other hand, she had taken the right decision by leaving. It wasn’t fair that she was the only one punished and took the blame for everyone involved. 

« Mrs. McLaren… Whatever you thought I did, it wasn’t my intention to hurt you. It was the opposite. It had been difficult for me to leave but I did! I took the decision. »  
« Don’t play the victim here, you’re not in love with him you just -»  
« With all due respect, you don’t know me. » Rey said, trying to hold her voice still. « I’m perfectly capable of undertake what I did wrong. I fell for the wrong guy. I didn’t act on my feelings. I asked nothing but for him to let me go. Nothing happened. If you have unfinished business with your husband, that’s not my responsibility. »

Rey left the bathroom, feeling like she was about to throw up. “ _Shit._ ” Her whole body was sweating but her skin was cold as hell. She’d never thought she could be as daring and honest with Audrey McLaren. But it was done, there was nothing she did in the past months that was meant to destroy her marriage and it killed her to be trapped in that room with her. Was Audrey crying right now? Rey closed her eyes, her hand covering her mouth with regrets. She pushed the bathroom door again to find the writer drying her cheeks. This woman didn’t deserve this. She had been a brat with her.

“I’m sorry. I’m in the wrong here and what I’ve done is unforgivable.”

Against all odds, Audrey’s voice had calmed down.

“It’s alright.” She snorted. “It’s not like I didn’t see this coming. You can’t save a boat when both of the captains are digging holes in it.”  
“I don’t know your relationship and it’s not my place to comment but… I know he worships you. He wouldn’t hurt you on purpose.”  
“I know he wouldn’t. You’re right, though. This is between me and him. It just seemed easier to be furious at the young girl he can’t stop thinking about than confronting him and our issues.”

Rey watched her close her bag and walk to the exit, throwing a last:

“Goodbye, Rey. I hope to never see you again, no offense.”

The young woman let the “non taken” die in the back of her throat and sighed. When she found Poe again, her hands were still a bit shaky. He was drinking alone in a corner while all the important people were happily chatting. She was about to ask him to leave but something on his face told her that after Audrey’s, she still had to handle her boyfriend’s tantrum.

« Did you know he was going to be there? »  
« Poe please, not now. »  
« Did you? »  
« No! Of course not! Who do you think I am? »  
« I don’t know anymore! »  
« As if I could do something like that to you! I don’t want to see him, we should go. Now. »  
« You’re saying that because you thought you were okay to let him go. But now that he’s in front of you, it hurts. I get it, but I don’t want to be here to watch. »

Rey didn’t get the time to answer that Poe had already left the room. And she didn’t have the strength to follow him, to stop him and say it wasn’t true. Because it was and she felt even more shameful to realize he had to learn it the hard way. Poe didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Rose had been right all along and Rey was now left with all her regrets. The young woman had to find a shelter to burst in tears before she could head out in the street. 

Wandering between the shelves, she finally found a storage room and leaned on the shelf, closed her eyes and listened to the sound of her uneven heartbeat. Her breath was painfully coming out of her lungs, her stomach felt like it had been spin-dried and her forehead white hot as if somebody had hit her with an iron stick. Tears started to fall on her cheeks, releasing her of the emotional pain and anxiety she had felt the past 20 minutes. She always thought that people crying in public places were pretty pathetic, but now that she was the one breaking apart, it didn’t seem that bad. It was good actually. There was only black around her, nothing to disturb her sorrow. Nobody will ever know and she would let this in the past, locked in that messy storage room forever. As she was about to let another sob burst out of her throat, the door suddenly opened. She hastily snorted and dried her tears up, only to see him enter and close the door behind him, making the cupboard even smaller.

« Ben? What are you doing here? »

He didn’t answer but she could hear his hand looking for the switch. Once he found it, the light attacked her corneas, leaving her almost blind. She must look horrible right now, but did she really care about that? Maybe a little, but not enough to even try to make something with her hair. In fact, as difficult as it was to stay deadpan with his fragrance filling the tight space, a furious wish to hit him ran through her veins. Even more when he laid his hand on her burning arm.

« Don’t touch me! »  
« Rey… »  
« What did you say to her?! Your wife! » She added, hysterically.  
« Nothing! Is that why she just left? You guys talked? »  
« What do you think?! »

He sighed, not losing sight of her. Rey crossed her arms, watching their feet. He had gigantic shoes compared to her little gold sandals. She wanted to smile about it, climb on his taupe Chelsea boots and wrap her hands around his neck. But she had to be stronger than that!

« I swear, I never said anything about… About anything. Why are you so mad at me? »  
« Why are you so calm?! Your wife fucking knows and she reads your emails by the way! And why did you have to talk to me today? Couldn’t you just ignore me? »  
« Are you more furious that my wife knows or that your boyfriend left? »  
« Both. And I’m the one asking questions here, for once. »  
« Okay. Shoot. » He said, raising his arms as a sign for pacification.

But Rey was feeling bellicose. If she could run easily, she would just kick him in the nuts for being so cool, confident and collected. She was on the verge of exploding and here he was, not a care in the world that both of their partners wanted them dead for being shitty persons. 

« Why aren't you listening to me? Why aren’t you scared? » She asked, snorting again.  
« We didn’t do anything wrong, she’s being unreasonable. »  
« Some could argue with that. Aren’t you ashamed she’s sad right now? Because of us? »  
« Why do you care? »  
« I’m not the other woman! I told you already! You have unfinished business with her, she’s hurting, you too and- »  
« Rey- »  
« Shut up Ben! »

He stopped talking and looked at her. She flicked her head at him, he wasn’t pissed. In fact he looked… Aroused. And Rey had to look everywhere but on him if she wanted to avoid ripping his t-shirt apart and let him fuck her in this confined and boiling storage room. The young woman was already imagining how sharp would the shelves feel against her back if he took her right here, right now. What a strange moment to think about sex. Swallowing to give herself courage before she could speak again, Rey was very cautious with her words. One slip and it could be fatal.

« You can’t keep doing this. »  
« Do what? I just came and say hello. She wasn’t supposed to know that you had feelings for me. »  
« Oh please. Stop playing dumb and pinning everything on the little intern. » Rey retorted, trying to ignore the shiver running down her spine at the thought he knew she would jump in front of a bus for him. « She said it wasn’t just me. And you texted me-»  
« What do you want me to say? You’re gonna punch me in the face if I go down this path. »  
« Do you? »  
« I thought you weren’t the other woman. »

Rey grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and pulled him closer, forcing him to bend toward her, her blood stinging in her veins and her knuckles gone white on the fabric. 

« Do you? »  
« I do. »

Instead of the heavy rock, a light and fluffy cloud filled Rey’s belly. Her shoulders relaxed, her head stopped aching and her eyes dived into Ben’s. She didn’t know when they became so close, but the bridge of his nose was now softly brushing hers, his warm breath caressing her lips, ready to be sealed. She wanted him so much, her whole body was screaming to vanish in his kiss. But it wasn’t right.

Rey wanted to know his stories and hear them again and again. She wanted to learn the curves and angles of his body by heart. She wanted the first and last words of every of her days to be pronounced by him. She wanted to meet his mother and bond with her. She wanted to come home to the sound of his bare feet stepping out of the shower. She wanted to be the one to call his assistant and take a cab to the airport to pick him up. She wanted all of that, but nothing in this kiss could give it to her. Not that way.

As if she was surfacing from the cold pool of her thoughts, Rey’s mind woke up. Despite her throbbing heart and demanding lips, she stepped back. He sighed against her skin, still very close to her face, landing his hand on her cheek and tucking her hair behind her ear. 

« I can’t. » She said with a broken voice.  
« I know… I’m sorry I keep pushing you. »  
« You should be. »

Ben stepped back too and leaned on the shelf behind him. His pupils were all over her, devouring her and she felt so naked under his gaze she blushed and cleared her throat. 

“ I don’t want to hurt her.” He said.  
“I know you don’t. It was never the plan.”  
“I just can’t keep pretending that everything is fine. It’s not enough anymore for her, for me… And now there’s you.”  
“I was never in the equation, Ben.”  
“You are to me.”  
“It’s… I can’t. We… should stop right now or otherwise i’m gonna-”

Instead of interrupting her again, he pulled her against his large body. Rey buried her face in the warmth of his chest, coiled in his strong arms. He rocked her slowly, trying to soothe the fast thumping of her heart and show her he cared. They started talking, still holding each other.

« What are we gonna do? »  
« I guess… I’ll have to talk to her. Try to make things… not so painful, at least. Stop being an ass. And you? »  
« I’ll apologize to Poe… And make things right too. »  
« Seriously Rey, this guy- »  
« Is really great. »  
« I don’t doubt that but -»  
« Shut up and hold me while you can. »

And that’s what he did for the remaining ten minutes they spent in that storage room. Rey had stopped crying, her heartbeat was back to normal and she probably looked like a mess. She still didn’t know if she could trust him. She couldn’t be just the rebound girl. She couldn’t yield knowing it would be sex, a fling and nothing else for him.

They parted in front of the library, him climbing in his limo, her walking to the next underground station, feeling his gaze while she was heading down. Those few minutes of silence wrapped in his scent had rendered months of suffering worth it. And it made her miserable to realize it.

Under her blanket that night, she wondered if she was doomed to be hopelessly devoted to Ben Solo. She had spent weeks without seeing him, the feeling of missing his presence was here but not unbearable as long as she didn’t let her thoughts linger on memories, all thanks to Poe. But he kept coming back to her, reminding her how good it felt to be with him. 

She hadn’t send Poe a text yet, but was it a good idea to make up with him? Was she being fair to him? That good man who had been nothing but supportive probably didn’t deserve Rey to use him as a rebound guy. Even worse now that there was no way she could get over Ben now she knew the possibility was right there. Desperately trying to fall asleep, Rey even asked herself what her former boss could do to fix things with Audrey. He admitted to Rey he loved her but was it what he’ll tell his wife? Was he going to lie to save his marriage? Was his marriage even worth saving?

Rey suddenly got up and rushed into Finn’s bedroom. He was playing video games with his headphones on. When she coiled herself under his sheets he hit the pause button and looked at her:

« What? »  
« I saw Ben today. »  
« For the love of Flaming Hot Cheetos! Not again. »

Finn looked pissed but he was very eager to hear the rest. He and Rey spent the entire night, lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to sort everything out. Her best friend concluded that Rey had two options: 

« Whether you go get your man and be a cold hearted bitch with his wife. Or you just shut your feelings. But forever this time. Until you meet the right guy. »

Rey winced. It wasn’t like she had not thought about all of this already.

« Is there a third option? »  
« No. But you need to break up with Poe. I like him, and he is really into you, you can’t treat him like a back up plan. »  
« What would you do? About Ben. »  
« I… I’m rooting for you, girl. But the thing is: even if he admitted his feelings… There are still 95% chances he’s gonna choose his wife if he still loves her. Divorce is a big deal and they have history.»  
« So, I’m stuck. »  
« No. 5% is better than no chance at all. »

Finn turned off the T.V and hugged Rey good night as the shy lights of the sun started to rise. Her nose buried in the crook of his neck, she thought about what he had just told her. Was it reasonable to still hold on hope?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, it's painful and hopeful at the same time. I really don't know what I would do but what are your takes on Rey's decision after reading this?
> 
> Thank you again for taking this journey with me, I hope you'll be still on board after that and you won't be too severe with Ben (because uwu).
> 
> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ApfelTHS) too!


	4. Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transformed and confident, Rey returns to Paris wondering if this time, Fate will be on her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> What can I say? We're nearly at the end of Rey's journey. You guys have been very supportive and useful with all the questions you raised, everything you said to me. I hope I can answer to your questions about Ben, what is happening in his brain and how Rey feels about all of this.  
> I'm quite nervous about this one though, it's the end and I wasn't gonna let you go without a big fat smut. But they're not my favorite to write, I don't feel like I'm good at this so, I hope it's not too bad. You'll tell me!
> 
> I guess I'll see you at the end of the chapter to discuss about all of that. ♡

[ ](https://servimg.com/view/11189626/1361)

The clapping of her heels was beating the wet sidewalks leading to the office. Rey was now working for two months at Red Tree Publishing and she had to admit to herself: it was thrilling. Sure, she missed her co-workers at First Order, but Luke Skywalker was giving her so much to do that she truly felt like fulfilling her destiny. Historic novels weren’t her main interest at first, but now she was living for facts checking, watching historical TV shows, meeting professors and victorian fanatics. She was discovering a whole new world. One in which she could be a nerd, learn new things and be praised for it. 

When Skywalker was calling her in his office, he always had something interesting to tell her. Anecdotes, tips, remarks… Every minute spent by his side was making her grow into a confident and strong woman. That was probably why she had started wearing heels. She didn’t know why but she stupidly thought that being a grown ass woman meant she’d look good on stilettos. The first day, her mentor had looked at her, shaking his head in disapprobation. Rey knew Luke was the kind of man to admire a woman as natural and casual as possible, but she was feeling so strong perched on her nude heels, that her boss’ opinion didn’t really matter.

« You will ditch them before the end of the day. »  
« No, I love those shoes! Don’t you like them? »

She was twitching her ankle with a smile, legs crossed, a navy blue tailor-suit sculpting her slim body. Luke chuckled.

« I never understood why women insisted on wearing uncomfortable clothes.»  
« Aren’t you in love with the Marquise de Merteuil, Master? »  
« That was another time. »  
« But she wouldn’t be the woman she was without all the attires. Women still don’t have the high ground… We fight with the weapons society gives us. »  
« You’re more than a pair of legs, Rey. »  
« You know that. Some don’t. There’s an element of surprise. »

Rey would be lying if she said her new look had nothing to do with Ben Solo. She wasn’t working with him anymore and she didn’t need his support or approval to do anything. Now, she was independent, strong and knew her shit. But if they ever crossed path again, she wanted to be sure he would not look at her like the young and clueless intern she used to be. She needed to be a woman in his eyes. He gave her so much already, Rey wanted to make him proud, somehow. And probably something more like… Watch him drool over her. And even it looked superficial from the outside, since she acquired a new type of confidence, her sense of style had followed. She dared to look like an adult, to feel she could dress in jeans and sneakers on Monday and tight business dress and heels on Tuesday.

During her lunch break, sitting in front of her computer and chewing a pecan pie, she received a text from Poe. He was agreeing on going to the movies with her on Friday night and it she sighed in relief. She had not seen Poe in two weeks and she really needed to spend a moment with her ex-boyfriend. 

It was feeling weird to call Poe her ex since...well, they were still sleeping together sometimes. After their big fight in the library, Rey and Poe had met to talk about it. They had screamed some more, Rey had cried, Poe had gone for a smoke on his balcony and they had ended up making love in the kitchen. But they had agreed on not seeing each other as a couple anymore. Rey was still wounded, her thoughts unclear and her heart wasn’t ready to give Poe what he wanted and needed. It had been the most reasonable thing she had done in the past months. He wasn’t mad, just disappointed. They stayed friends with benefits. 

Of course, none of them was mentioning Ben or even her past internship. It was like nothing ever happened when they were spending time together. The pair knew that each time they would see each other, their night out would end up in a bed, but they had one rule: not talk about their feelings. And it was best for Poe to keep it that way. If Rey could perfectly spend her nights with him and distinguish affection from real love, she knew it hadn’t been that easy for him. That was probably why he didn’t check on her for two weeks. 

A casual relationship was all she needed and even if at first she had tried to dissuade him from seeing her, Poe held on. Her only fear was that he still hoped her feelings for Ben would disappear in a blink of an eye. It wasn’t going to happen, especially since what he had told her in that steamy cupboard. Though, the CEO didn’t try to contact her. She had asked him not too, at least until things would settle down. Maybe he succeeded fixing things with Audrey. As much respect as Rey had for them, she knew deep down that if not today, their marriage would explode soon. And if that made her a bad person, she was now okay with it. The only thing she was still forbidding herself was to pick up the pieces like a scavenger. If Ben wanted her after that, it will be according to her terms: it should be something real, she wasn’t going to be his side-chick and he was going to be the one to ask for it. There was no reason why she should settle for less than those three conditions. « Respect from your peers is the most important thing you could hope for yourself. » This had been the first advice Ben gave her. She was now applying it to their partnership. 

Destiny seemed to be on her side because it didn’t take long for Rey to get another opportunity to meet Ben. Luke had summoned her in his office to ask her for a favor. The first in many more to come.

« Remember when I said I wasn’t interested in doing work trips anymore? »  
« Yes. »  
« There’s this book fair in Paris and- »  
« I’ll do it. »

Luke raised his brows, not prepared to have her on board so quickly. Rey was almost jumping on her seat, knowing exactly what fair he was talking about.

« Are you sure? Because you’ll still have to do all the extra work. The author can represent itself. »  
« I’ll do it. I want to go. »  
« Fine. It’s settled then. I’ll ask them to change the names at the last minute so they don’t bother me with their administration non-sense.»

It had been more than a month and a half since Ben had held her in that storage room and she could still feel the slight burn of his skin against hers. One phone call to Rose later and Rey knew the CEO was going to Paris too. Liz had been talking about it the whole week because of the strikes in France and the multiple flights she had to book to be sure Solo would get there on time. He had a speech to deliver in Paris, as always, and several authors from First Order were going to be there. Bonus point: Audrey McLaren wasn’t included in the trip. 

Nobody knew Rey was the one going at Luke’s place because it was still a secret that she was supposed to replace him as soon as he’ll retire. Rey was cooking a mischievous plan and wasn’t even sorry about it. Why would she? Had anybody been sorry for her the past months?

The day before she had to leave for Paris, Rose invited her for dinner at her place. Her sister Paige was out with her girlfriend and they had the whole place to themselves. Rose had outdone herself: a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs throned on the kitchen table, a bottle of wine waited for them and she even made a chocolate lava cake. Rey frowned watching all of this.

« Okay, are you trying to make me stay in London with a food coma? »  
« No… I just want you to have strengths for your Parisian getaway. »  
« It’s not a vacation, I’m going for work. »  
« Come on, we both know why you’re so excited to go. »  
« Yes and that’s a nice change. »  
« What does Poe say about this? »

Rey threw her an annoyed look while sprinkling parmesan on top of her pastas. 

« Poe… Doesn’t care. »  
« Does he know? »  
« He knows that… I’m going to Paris and that there’s a chance Ben might be there. It’s not lying it’s… Omission. »  
« Yes but… Never mind. You don’t want to hear the truth. »  
« Rose, I know the truth. I’m going to bed with the truth every night for almost a year. I’m being a bitch to Poe. But we are not a thing anymore. And… What if Ben chooses me? »

Rose didn’t answer that, taking advantage that her mouth was full of noodles to avoid confronting her friend. Rey knew the graphic designer didn’t approve but her mind was settled.

« Am I a bad person for wanting this? »  
« No… You’re in love and I get it. I just don’t want you to be hurt once again. And if something happens between you two and he doesn’t choose you after all… You’re gonna be crushed and Poe is gonna leave for good. »  
« Then so be it. I mean it. I don’t deserve Poe in the first place. And you don’t meet someone like Ben everyday. I mean, someone who makes you feel like… it’s all worth it.»  
« As much as I want you to be reasonable... I can’t fight this. So, cheers. »

Rose poured wine in their glasses and clattered them together before swallowing a huge sip.

****

  
  


This time, Rey was flying solo. She went to Gatwick airport by herself by train, presented at the counter alone and had been escorted to the business lounge without Hux and Solo by her side. It had been strange but a whole new feeling had bloomed in her mind. Red Tree had kept the business tickets because they thought Skywalker was the one going to Paris. She was now enjoying it all by herself. Seated on the most comfortable armchair ever, she grabbed a copy of The Telegraph and started reading the culture section. The room was quiet, she could only hear the slight rustling of conversations. A waiter brought her a cup of tea with a raisin scone she barely touched. As proud as she was to be there, she still felt a bit nervous about the idea of flying alone.

She must had looked like a lost deer because the stewardess quickly approached her as soon as they took off, asking her if she needed anything. A diet coke would do. Flipping her head on the right she noticed how much she missed Solo’s sleepy head by her side. For a little while, she watched the clouds floating in the sky, thinking about what could happen during those two days in the French capital. This trip could change everything, or make it even worse. But after almost a year like this, she was ready to jump.

She opened her laptop with reluctance, catching on all the work she wasn’t going to be able to do during her absence. The flight to Paris was a short one and she wanted to do most of it before landing. She wasn’t going to miss a stroll through Paris for a few late emails. 

Luckily, somebody was waiting for her after customs. Her chauffeur was a young boy, dressed in a cheap black suit and holding a sign with her name on it. She smiled at him, certain he would do just right. Rey took a look at her watch and moved on the edge of her car seat to talk to the driver.

« Could you… show me around? I mean, not go directly to the hotel and drive me through the city? I only have a few free hours and I’d like to see stuff. »  
« Of course, Mademoiselle! »

His accent was charming and Rey felt weirdly at home. Like the first time, Paris stole her heart. Her eyes were all over the Opera, the Pont Alexandre III and of course the Eiffel Tower. Nicolas, her chauffeur, even parked so she could step on the Trocadéro square and see the tower closer. The night had fallen on the city, the cold autumn wind swayed around her and the Iron Lady was sparkling, its lights reflecting in Rey’s eyes. It was like a dream. She thought that there was only one thing that could make it even more perfect. But if he wasn’t there by her side now, it gave her even more courage. She wasn’t going to be the one looking for him tomorrow at the fair. And if they crossed path, it was going to be _Fate_. 

Climbing back in the van, she told Nicolas she was ready to go to her hotel, exhausted by her long day. She expressly said to the secretary that she didn’t want to sleep at l’Hôtel du Louvres. She wanted Ben, but not force destiny and make him feel like she was stalking him. The driver parked smoothly in front of a black façade where she could read in small shimmering letters « Hôtel Costes ». The main entrance was a bit on the side, enlightened by diffused golden lights. She checked-in, feeling small in the luxurious hotel they had put her in.

A groom walked with her to a room she thought was really flashy. The furnitures looked ancient and were made of dark polished wood. She had a garden view and a queen size bed to die for. But what she noticed the most was the lusty atmosphere provided by the red walls and the very flowery tapestry behind the bed. Old portraits of nobles were observing her while she was discovering the room and unpacking. The bathroom was, as the precedent, decorated with a marble counter and a nice white bathtub. Getting rid of all of her filthy clothes from the plane, she called room service to order a croque-monsieur with fries and thought how condescending and French she sounded on the phone. And she loved it.

  
  


****

  
  


Rey had underestimated the amount of work that was going to fall on her shoulders that day. The convention was fully booked, people were packed in the alleys, trying to understand where queues started and how the whole thing was working. Rey was behind a stall with an iPad in her hands booking the author she was working with interviews and meetings. Luckily for her, James Rivers was popular enough that she didn’t have to drag people to talk to him and he was doing all the job by himself. They didn’t have too much time to bond and frankly, she was more obsessed in getting her work done than socializing with the guy. 

The young editor had to answer to questions from the press herself and the stakes were very high. She was filling in for Luke and the company, her words had to be cautiously chosen. Her best ally that day? Coffee. It was 1pm and she already drank at least 8 cups of it. Her heartbeat was racing, sending chills through her whole body. Thoughts bounced in her brain and her shaky hands were frenziedly dancing on the device. All in all, it was a stressful situation, nothing she had experienced with Ben and Hux 8 months ago, but the adrenaline kept her going. Rivers yawned and turned to Rey.

« I need to take a break. I’ll be back in 45 minutes. Think you can handle? »  
« I don’t know… is this standard procedure?? »  
« You don’t expect me to stay there for ten hours straight? You’ll take a break after me. You’re doing fine, Rey. »  
« O-Okay. »

It wasn’t the writer’s duty to reassure her but Skywalker had warned him Rey was all new to this. He trusted her enough to leave her the stall were his last book was presented, she couldn’t fail. While he was walking away, Rey started checking on everything: was there enough books? Was the cover enough under the light? Did he sign enough cards so she could give them to people coming to the stall in his absence? Rey had thought this through and it seemed like there was nothing more she could have done except wait for him to come back. She wasn’t going to let her anxiety step on her work and enthusiasm. 

When she almost dropped her ninth cup of caffeine with her trembling hands on the company’s flyers, Rey decided it was time to stop drinking the black bean brew. She grabbed a bottle of water and emptied it in two slugs. As time went by, more and more people got in the convention center, making the atmosphere hot and unbreathable. Rey was lucky to be on the other side of the table but still, she had taken a bad decision that morning when she had put on this outfit. The look though, was gorgeous. It was a long sleeves, short and slim fit faux leather dress. The bottom was trapeze-shaped like a vintage skirt from the sixties. The top looked like a military jacket and the whole piece was a bright pumpkin orange. She felt bold but Rose had approved it and had lended her a pair of cream ankle boots to go with it. 

And as classy as she was, Rey started regretting her usual blazers that she could easily take off when it was too hot. Plus, her feet were boiling inside the boots. This time, the book fair had been set up in the Tuileries garden under a tent. The sound of the Parisian rain hitting the plastic roof was like a dream for Rey, dying in the heat. But as she was lifting her eyes to the translucent top of the tent, she caught a glimpse of one of the screens set up for the attendees to watch while they were queuing. A live transmission of the conference happening in the next tent was broadcasted. The guest of honor at that right moment was, obviously, Ben Solo. 

The CEO was brushing his hair backwards, standing tall and bossy behind the lectern, leaning so his voice could reach the microphone, still too low for his height. Ben was wearing a black turtleneck which perfectly showed every curves and angles on his chest. Rey surprised herself wetting her lips as she watched him smile to his audience. She wasn’t there and the sound wasn’t on but she could almost hear the laughters and cheering in that room. She could also picture the look of admiration everybody was greeting him with, and maybe some thirsty bitches winking at him on the first row. Hoping he would come to her stall was now an understatement. 

But Rey had no time to care about him. Right now, she was pretty busy with the journalist asking her questions about the book. And luckily, she took her duty so seriously that the images of Ben on that screen weren’t enough to deviate her from the right path. The author came back from his lunch break and told her she could go. But something held her behind the stall a little longer. As soon as James Rivers had sat down, the crowd had started reforming in front of him. They all wanted a moment with the writer and Rey took advantage of all the fuss to make pictures she could then send to Luke Skywalker and their head of communication, back at the office. 

Rey was happy to see that her whole day, as exhausting and difficult it had been, was a success. It hadn’t been easy to make sure everything was okay but Luke had well-prepared her for the task and if that book fair was a test, she would say she had passed it. And she was ready to stay by Rivers’ sides all day long to make sure he would praise her to her boss. Even if her bladder was about to explode, the coffee dangerously crushing through the walls of her stomach. And damn, that dress was tight on all the wrong places!

While she was restraining another pee-emergency-shiver, she saw a familiar face floating in the crowd. The copper flicker made her guts jump in excitement. 

« Rey?! »  
« Mr. Hux! »  
« Oh my… I never thought I would see you so soon! How are you? »  
« I’m fine thanks for asking. What about you Mr. Hux? »  
« Oh come on it’s Armie now that you don’t work for me anymore. I’m fine, same old, same old. I thought Skywalker would be there for Rivers. »  
« Tout arrive ! » She said with a smile and a terrible French accent.  
« Well… Congrats. I’m happy for you Rey. I still think you did a terrible mistake but… I’m glad you’re there. »  
« Thanks… Armie. I’m glad to see you too. Take a flyer! »

She handed her former boss a piece of paper, laughing at his mouth wincing. The idea of accepting something from a competitor must be very hard for Hux but he took it with a shy smile.

« Not gonna lie, I’ve been spying on you. »  
« What do you mean? »  
« I don’t know, I wanted to make sure you were doing well at Red Tree. »  
« Oh… Well, I guess that’s a nice gesture. And? »  
« I’m glad you’re working with Skywalker. Solo and him have history but… He’s one of the best. »  
« Yeah… I know. » Rey retorted with a smile.  
« Mr. Solo must be there somewhere. I’m sure he’ll be glad to say hello too. »  
« Oh is he? Well, if you see him before I do tell him to come by. »

Hux nodded with a knowing and benevolent eye and left, still holding the piece of paper in his pale hands. Rey watched him walk away with a smile. She had missed him, more than she thought she would. Despite his deep wish to be impressive and feared, Armie Hux had been a good mentor. Thanks to him, she would never say she had finished anything unless it was properly accomplished. He had given her the taste of perfection and for that, she was thankful. 

Rey was currently shaking the hand of what seemed like the sixtieth journalist that day when another hand, larger and more familiar appeared in her scope of vision. Lifting her head to its owner, she smiled knowing exactly who she would find on the other side of the arm. She slipped her palm against his and tightened her grip. His skin was soft and warm, just like she recalled.

« Mr. Solo… »  
« Rey. »  
« How are you? »  
« I’m… Fine, thank you. »

And judging by this sexy nerdy new look he was trying, fine he was indeed. Ben put his hands in his pockets and looked at her with a casual look.

« May I help you by suggesting one of our marvelous flyers? »  
« I would gladly take one. » He said with a grin. « So, is the most promising young editor of her generation has time for a coffee? »  
« Don’t talk about coffee. But yes, I didn’t take a break since this morning. James, I’m coming back in twenty. »

James Rivers waved her to go away, perfectly aware that the young publisher was on the verge of peeing her pants. Ben offered Rey his arm but she ignored him, walking ahead of him, splitting the crowd in two. That short, uncomfortable dress and those damn heels had to play their parts, right now. But first, she had to make a stop to the bathroom. Luckily, the writers and editors had their own private toilets. Ben said nothing when she made him wait outside of the ladies room and she took advantage of that short moment to shake her wavy hair, touch up her makeup and brace herself. She found him queuing at the little bakery set up especially for the convention and joined him.

« So, what do you want to drink? And eat? »  
« Just water. And maybe a croissant. »  
« It’s 4pm. »  
« We’re in Paris, I want a croissant. »  
« Okay, go sit. You look exhausted. »

He was still bossing her around but she was in no position to argue. The shoes were killing her. She fell on the closest chair available and waited for him to come back with the feast. Her veins were throbbing in her ankles and toes and she was dreaming about diving in her sheets later that night. Ben sat in front of her with a platter.

« I wanted to buy you macarons but they didn’t look good. »  
« I never tried those, I wouldn’t know which one are the good ones. »  
« That’s why we can’t soil your virgin palate. »

Rey choked on the puff pastry of her croissant and smiled a little, not certain he was doing this on purpose. 

« So, how are things? »  
« Great, as usual. I’m not complaining. I didn’t know you were coming though. »  
« Is it a good surprise? » She asked with a sneaky tone.   
« Your outfit is… Unusual for a publisher. » He said, ignoring her question. She chose to go along.  
« I wanted to be seen. »  
« It’s working. » He was sipping on his coffee, fleeing her gaze.   
« Nice new look yourself. »  
« What? This? I thought some of Steve Jobs’ wisdom would come to me if I endorsed his style. »  
« You’re way more attractive than Steve Jobs, if you want my opinion. »  
« I don’t recoil asking your opinion about this. »  
« You asked me so many things that I don’t know what’s allowed anymore boss. » She retorts with a smile.  
« I’m not your boss anymore. »  
« Exactly. »

Ben’s eyes were confronting hers now. The last moment they had spent together had been a total fiasco. She was lost, vulnerable and felt betrayed. Now, Ben was looking at whole new woman. Rey was confident, in full possession of her senses and knew exactly that he wasn’t unresponsive to her. Was it her body, her mind, her hair…? She couldn’t say. But she was determined to find his weak spot if he’d let her.

« I’m glad that you’re not my boss anymore. It makes things easier. I mean, at least one thing. »  
« In what way? »  
« People stopped thinking I was a gold-digger. »  
« People assumed that? Who? »  
« I’m not gonna point fingers. But they made hasty conclusions. »

The CEO said nothing but looked kind of annoyed. Was he bothered that someone could pick on his protégée? He quickly changed the subject, obviously embarrassed. And Rey didn’t want to be the one on who he’ll release his fury back in the office.

« Do you like your job with Skywalker? »  
« Yes… You seem well aware of my situation. Are you spying on me like Hux does? »

Ben smiled and finished his coffee, crossing his legs and bumping into Rey’s. This time though, they both knew he didn’t need to apologize. 

« I see that you’ve gained audacity next to your new mentor. »  
« Is that bothering you? »  
« That you’re finally embracing your full capacities? No… I’m kinda jealous he gets to see this every day and I don’t. »

Rey licked her buttery fingers with a smile. She wanted to clear things up before getting the wrong ideas about the whole situation.

“Is this allowed?”  
“What?”  
“You and me. Flirting.”  
“Oh, we’re flirting Miss Johnson?” He said with his snarky voice and she pinched his arm playfully, not resisting the urge to keep her hand right there, on his sleeve. “Let’s say… Things have started to change.”

Rey took back her hand with a knowing smile and stood up. Her feet were swollen and so heavy but she felt lighter than ever. 

« Thank you for the snack, I have to go back to work, Sir. You know where to find me. »

She walked away without looking back but perfectly feeling the burn of his gaze following her steps until she disappeared into the crowd. Now, all she had to do was wait. He had until tomorrow to come for her. When she came back behind the stall, the crowd had cleared up a little. It was the end of the day, everybody had what they were looking for. James Rivers announced Rey he was leaving the fair and she was in charge of packing everything back in the boxes and leave their space clean. The last hours of her day were slow but mostly because Rey couldn’t stop thinking about Ben - and her aching feet. 

Being in his presence had brought everything back and she was now missing him more than during the few weeks they had spent apart. Those moments had helped her clear her thoughts, realize she didn’t need anyone to tell her what to do to find her path. But it also highlighted the fact that Ben would be haunting her thoughts if she didn’t have closure. The more she had him the more she needed him. She could only imagine how intense having a real relationship with Ben would be. Her love would probably consume her in a month or less. Rey knew that once she would get a taste of him, there was no coming back.

When she stepped in the van, Nicolas asked her if she wanted to stroll through the city but Rey gave up on seeing more of Paris. She needed the three B’s: a bath, a burger and her bed. And maybe a fourth one with a pretty face and dark hair. He hadn’t contacted her since their improvised break, she had no text on her phone so maybe she shouldn’t hope too much for the evening to come. Entering her room, the first thing she did was to remove her heels and whine. Her toes were so red she wasn’t sure about that warm bath anymore. She decided to fill the bottom of the tub with cold water and plunged her feet to soothe them. Doing so, she called her boss to give him a full review of the day. Wincing from the freezing water around her burning skin, she waited for him to pick up. 

Luke sounded distracted and not worried for one bit. Rey thought that the old publisher must really trusted her for not giving a fuck about whether she’d messed up or not. He just seemed relieved about the whole thing and so did she. She sent a few texts to Finn and Rose but didn’t mention Ben. He hadn’t sent anything yet but she didn’t want to jinx it. Her feet now numb, she prepared a proper bath and called the room service to order the juiciest cheeseburger on their menu. Her dinner was coming up in approximately 30 minutes, perfect timing to enjoy a nice bath, eat and fall asleep. 

Laid under water, her hair tied up in a messy bun, her feet lifted on the edge of the tank, Rey was still trying not to think too much about Ben. He had been receptive to her not-so-subtle catcalls but didn’t manifest himself. She didn’t expect him to leave everything behind for her but… a simple email would do the trick to reassure her. Playing with the bubbles she bite her lip. Had her mind played her? Was he being a coward or worse… Lied to her so she would still hold on hope? It wasn’t Ben’s type and she couldn’t start being paranoid. Rey sighed and splashed her face with soapy water right before somebody knocked on the door. 

« Shit! 30 minutes already? I’M COMING! »

She quickly emerged from her bath, grabbed her robe and ran to open the door. A nice young man was standing with a silver trolley. She let him in after he apologized for disturbing her and watched him set the whole thing up. The plate and cutlery were nicely arranged on the table. He also brought her a cold diet coke and two mini baskets: one with bread bites that smelled delicious, the other one with the cutest little bottles of mustard for her fries. Rey thanked him and gave him a 5 euros tip. It was on the company’s account so she couldn’t be happier to act as if she was a rich business woman. 

The young woman followed him to the exit, thanked him but before she could close the door, something, or more like someone, blocked it. Ben had placed his foot on the way and his hand on the wooden door. Rey lifted her head to look at him. She was now very aware of her nakedness underneath the bathrobe, the soapy foam from the bath gliding from her thighs to her ankles, her face probably red because of the steam, makeup spreading around her eyes and her crazy wet hair dripping in her neck. She swallowed hard and let him in wordlessly. 

The pristine red room looked very small now that Ben was there. Rey tightened the bathrobe on her chest, feeling the drops of water sliding between her breasts. An excess of saliva filled her mouth. Was it the smell of the melting cheese or the fact that Ben looked excessively sexy with his turtleneck jumper? Rey didn’t have the time to process the question because the CEO turned to her and broke the silence:

« Nice room. »  
« How do you know I’m here? »  
« We’re all here. The hotel we went in February is closed for refurbishment. »

 _Fate_ it was.

« And… What about the room? »  
« I saw you entering the lobby earlier… I just asked the intel to the reception desk as if I was a co-worker. »  
« You’re a stalker. »  
« Am I? »

He was smiling, making her will to resist very difficult to maintain. Rey was taking deep breaths, not sure how this was supposed to end. Her body was tired, her feet were still aching from standing on heels, her mind was dizzy and she wasn’t capable of thinking clearly anymore. Ben was here, just like she wanted. His scent was intoxicating the room and her brain making her stomach twitch and her loins boil. 

« What are you doing here? »  
« I don’t know… What am I doing here? »  
« Answer my questions… for once. »  
« It’s hard to focus right now… »  
« Oh yeah…? » She asked with a broken and thirsty voice « How’s your wife? »  
« I don’t know…Haven’t seen her in weeks. »

They had progressively moved closer while talking, closing the gap between their bodies and making the electric bond connecting them flicker dangerously. Rey’s face was now very near to his neck, breathing in and out, watching the chills covering his pale skin. She thought about the hundreds of outfit, makeup and hairstyle ideas she could have worn for that moment. And here she was, bare faced, her messy hair floating around her head like a crazy lady. But none of this seemed to matter to Ben. When she looked into his eyes, all she could see was a black pit of desire. His jugular vein was throbbing furiously under her gaze and she wanted to nip at it so badly. The heat made his scent even stronger. She had to decide right now if tonight was the night. But Ben seemed to have taken the decision for both of them.

« Did the Jobs’ look give you nice advices? » She whispered.  
« It taught me to take risks… » He answered, brushing her neck with the pulp of his fingers.  
« Mh… What kind of -»

Rey didn’t have the time to finish her sentence, she felt two arms grabbing and lifting her a bit so he could seal their mouths. It took her breath away and her heart started to race faster. Ben was now kissing her, sucking her lips with eagerness. The air was filled with him, her nose crashing against his cheek, her hands on each side of his face. Rey could feel him swallowing every breath coming out of her mouth, probably choking on it. She automatically responded to his inquiry, opening her mouth and letting him in, letting him everywhere he could. Rey was completely numb but very aware of what was happening at the same time. Her mind had shut down and her body was doing the deed. It felt like her limbs were waiting for this for way too long and worked on their own. 

Ben was frantically pulling her against him, working on that bathrobe belt as a maniac. He, who was always so collected, seemed to have lost his mind too. Soon, she felt the spongy fabric falling at her feet, leaving her naked against him. The cold air around them forced her to push her body against his to feel his warmth and bury herself in his arms. She should feel embarrassed, objectified to be the only one with her clothes off. But on the contrary, it was the most thrilling moment of her life. Ben’s hand was in her hair, pulling it away so he could kiss her throat while his other arm wrapped around her waist made her feel like the most precious thing in the world.

Her shivering and wet body was pressed against his, damping his clothes, trembling under his touch while his fingers were grabbing her curves, scratching her skin like a famished tiger. The harsh fabric of his denim pants was rubbing against her stomach, creating powerful chills everywhere. She could feel how much he wanted her and she wasn’t doing anything for it. Ben was just hungry for Rey. There wasn’t enough of her and his eagerness was too intense. When his hand fell on her face again, she couldn’t help but bite his thumb and suck on it. She had never been like this. She just wanted him, any part of him. 

Her lips were already swollen from his nipping but the pain was delicious. Rey wanted more and couldn’t stand being away from him any longer. She had waited for too long, he wasn’t getting away now. As she was about to beg for more, she looked at him a few seconds before she felt her feet leave the ground. Ben’s large hands had lifted her, wrapped her thighs around him and locked her body against his chest. The rough friction of her crotch against his belt made her hum and bite her lip. She caught his eyes, making him understand it was already a struggle for her to not roll her hips against the metallic buckle. 

With one pull, she liberated her hair from the scrunchie, releasing her scent all over Ben who laid her on top of the dresser, placing himself between her limbs. She was now slightly taller than him. Her forehead rested on his, she took a small moment to catch her breath and look at him in the eyes. His perfect plump mouth was open and ready for more but he stared back, waiting for her signal. She brushed his lip with the pulp of her thumb, feeling the dry skin she had bite a few seconds earlier. Every first time had been a little bit awkward for Rey. Being naked with a stranger was always a strange moment. But this time, it felt right. She even wanted him to look at her entirely with the same lust. 

Rey wrapped her legs around him, pulling him closer and pushing on his ass with her feet. She pressed his palm against her mouth, closing her eyes, feeling its warmth, softness and smell. After a last kiss on his fingers she brought his hand on her breast and hummed again. Ben didn’t wait for more and dived in her neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses from her earlobe to her sternum. His nose brushed the tip of her nipple, sending sweet tinkling through her body. Now, it wasn’t just kissing anymore. There was no coming back from this. 

Rey’s body arched when he took the pink flesh in his mouth, sucking on it gently while massaging her lower belly with his warm and large palm. The young woman bite her lower lip, forcing herself to not beg for more. She wanted him to figure her out. His hands were travelling all around, slowly caressing her back, grabbing her hips and cupping her small breasts. When he kissed her lips again, she could feel how much he needed to have her completely. Her mind was so dizzy from his touch she hadn’t realize even she was craving for his body. She didn’t see or explore anything yet besides his hair and chest. Maybe she was still restraining herself, but it wouldn’t last longer. Under her hands timidly tracing trails, his chest and abs had gone stiff and the hint of his nipples underneath the cachemire of his jumper made her even more thirsty to see what was underneath. 

« Ben… Do you want this? »

The CEO didn’t answer and instead, he grabbed her hand and put it right against his groin. A big lump of air clogged her throat for a second but then Rey smiled between two nips on his neck. He was warm and big in her palm. Reality and fantasies were now mixing together, taking her breath away. 

« How much do you want this…? » She asked, whispering in his ear.

Ben growled, pulling her legs a bit brutally to bond their crotches together. Rey couldn’t help but moan and rock her hips against his. She stroked his hair, tightening her grip on it a little and softly brushing his dick with her fingers. He wasn’t moving, begging or pressing her for more. He knew she had the high ground there, and she felt so aroused that she clenched a little on the wooden surface. After months of frustration, she would shamelessly come just like that. Noticing Rey was slipping faster than he thought, he grabbed her again, holding her strong body against his and laid her down on the fresh white sheets. The cold silk woke her senses and contrasted with her boiling skin. 

Rey stretched her limbs, perfectly aware that Ben wasn’t missing an inch of her naked body. Under his gaze, she felt confident enough to lift her leg, lay her foot on his stomach and command him to drop his clothes. He was going to undress himself, and Rey wanted to watch. She followed his every move, discovering his body piece by piece. When it started to sting a little, she noticed that she was unconsciously biting her lip while watching him strip. He looked even more massive with his clothes off and Rey had never felt more aroused than right now. At the sight of his strong thighs, the young woman started to roll her hips on the mattress, her hands dangerously strolling around her chest and between her legs, leaving Ben panting. 

« I said… Drop it. » She ordered again, staring at his lower belly. 

When Ben was finally fully naked, all Rey could think about was how could she have resisted all those months without begging him to fuck her every goddamn night. Her eyes followed the trail of soft black hairs leading to the most glorious hard-on she’s ever laid her eyes on. She never thought about the matter before, probably thinking that male and lady-parts were as they were and there was nothing to discuss about. But now that she was looking at Ben, she couldn’t help but find him perfect. Her heart was full, her chest rising heavily and not breaking sight. He was an absolute perfection in her eyes and if he could feel half the way she was feeling right now, he’d probably marry her this instant. 

Rey, left speechless, invited him on the bed with a nod. He was now crawling toward her, his large frame radiating and shivering from the urge. Lifting her body a little, Rey brushed his dick with her stomach. She needed to feel his hot skin against hers. The CEO seemed a bit lost in the action but her hand on his cheek calmed him down.

« Please, don’t think right now. » She whispered softly.

Rey kept rocking against him, igniting his flame, his tense arms holding him above her. His eyes didn’t leave hers, searching for a reassuring word. Rey didn’t fail and went on, whispering how much she wanted this and how good it was to be finally with him. She lifted her head to kiss him again. It was soft at first but then, tongue and teeth were added to the equation and he found his fire back. She got it, Ben liked a woman who could be both bold and tender. He loved to see her being confident at work and in bed. One of her hands found his shoulder blades, the other was lost in the softness of his dark mane, pulling him closer so they could kiss harder. 

The more she touched him, the more his body aligned with hers. Rey’s hand travelled slowly down his chest and wrapped around his dick. A hiss escaped Ben’s mouth when she slowly started rocking her hand on the sensitive skin. He was so warm and hard in her palm it made Rey shake a little. Her thighs were pressing harder on Ben’s body at the feeling of him coming closer to her folds. She wasn’t even sure she could take all of him. As she was softly pulling away the skin from the tip, Ben moaned louder against her lips. On the edge of losing his mind, he asked:

« Please, tell me you’re on the pills. Because I don’t-»  
« Yes. Ben, just… Please… »

His head now buried in the crook of her neck, he bite her skin while pushing gently inside. She didn’t expect it to be so big and a slight burn shocked her body for a moment. A layer of cold sweat covered her tense muscles and a shiver shook her spine. Ben stopped for a moment, grabbed her thigh, pulling it higher to make room for him. He started kissing her again, brushing her small tits with his chest, easing the slow thrusts inside of her. Soon, her loins asked for more. Tinkling were all over her legs, stomach and arms. A tension was building between them, making her suffocate under the weight of Ben’s body and the delicious friction she was enslaved to. 

Rey was hot everywhere. There wasn’t a place on her body that felt anything but heat. Sweat had started to damp her hair roots and Ben’s skin was slipping against hers. What sent her even higher was his voice in her right ear, moaning and breaking with each thrust of his hips in her womb. The sound of it, so different from is usual voice, so intimate and broken gave her power and thirst for more. 

She pushed him a little bit away to watch his face gone sweaty and blushed. He was so hot and adorable she wanted to cry while he fucked her brain’s out. She gently pulled him out of her body and watched his face going from horny to very lost in a matter of seconds. She knew herself, she needed a little bit more to reach the stars. Rolling on her stomach, she lifted her hips a bit, just enough so he could slip inside again.

« But I want to see you… » He said with a soft but hungry voice.  
« You’re everywhere… I’m everywhere too. » Rey answered, pulling him closer. « I just need you to make me feel good like this. »

Ben growled, obviously not expecting his former intern to be this cheeky on their first night together. To be honest, Rey needed to be in control and see if he was ready to surrender to her. His large palms found her butt, brushing it with caution. But Rey pushed against him again. She wanted him inside her, not to take his time, not tonight. 

« Ben… I’m so close… »  
« Fuck… Rey… Fuck… »

She didn’t wait longer to feel him in her core again, the warmth of his groin finding the curve of her ass, perfectly aligning with one another. He lied down, his chest almost against her back, held with the help of his elbows resting on Rey’s sides. Ben’s dick parting her walls and her clit brushing against the sheets made her clench harder around him. Rey was biting the pillow, damping it every time she opened her mouth to catch her breath and moan. Her breasts was crashing in the mattress each time his hips hit hers, giving her the sensations she was looking for. Trapped between the softness of the sheets and his massive body, the fire in her loins intensified. 

She was on the edge, she knew it. Her strength was slowly leaving, making her helpless, her muscles stiffening with short and electric spasms, her body moving in rhythm with Ben’s, the entire amount of blood in her body running to her lower belly and making her feel like she was going to explode. Ben’s mouth was nipping, kissing and licking the nape of her neck with love and desire, just like she always wanted. 

Her lover had slipped his hand between her body and the mattress to touch her. As uncomfortable as this position was for him, Rey was taking it all in, lifting her hips higher to make room for him: Ben’s lips on her shoulder, his groin hitting her ass, his cock burning inside and his finger stroking her instinctively. As a response to each of these stimulations, her body sent free 10 months of sexual and emotional frustration. Biting the pillow wasn’t enough anymore and Rey let a strong and releasing grunt escape her throat. The waves of her orgasm bursted like a firework, marveling every inch of her limbs. Panting, sweating and lost in pleasure, Rey fell back on the mattress, strengthless. 

Behind her, Ben had stopped moving, caressing her back while she was trying to recover, as if he didn’t want to disturb her. And as sluggish as she felt after that enlightening experience, she could still sense his hard cock caged between her thighs, throbbing and waiting to be released. She was wet, swollen and open like she’d never been before, all he had to do was move a little bit more. He was so close to join her, but he didn’t. It felt like she enjoyed the whole thing but didn’t take care of him. She slowly spun her head at him:

« Why are you stopping? Keep going… »  
« Aren’t you tired? »  
« Hm… Come here… »

He bent a little, just enough so she could grab his lower lip between her teeth and suck on it. Finding a little bit of her strength back, she clenched around him, causing Ben to groan against her face. His veins were pulsating against her sore and sensitive skin, he just needed a little push. She was, in fact, surprised he lasted so long. « I want to make you feel good too » she whispered, arching a bit more. Even if she wasn’t facing him fully in that position, Rey could feel his eyes exploring her, watching every feature of her face while he was moving in and out of her body, as if he really needed to see her to come. A few thrusts later, his body froze for a minute, his teeth sank in the mellow skin of her shoulder. Rey had felt everything: the anticipation, the throbbing and finally, the pleasure hitting his body like an electric thunder shocking him to the core. 

When he pulled out, Rey felt suddenly cold and very naked. He fell on the bed next to her, his chest quickly rising. She heard him swallow and saw him closed his eyes. But Rey couldn’t take her eyes off him. She didn’t want to lose a thing. He was here, finally. His smell was everywhere on her skin, the sheets, even the wall of the room couldn’t forget such an exquisite fragrance. Sensing she was observing him, Ben turned his head to her and smiled a bit shyly. She felt a big lump of relief landing in her stomach, warming her insides. He wasn’t mad, he didn’t look sad or regret what they’ve just done. He was just lying here like any man would after making love to her. 

Rey’s hand fell on his cheek, caressing it slowly. He was so ready to sleep she didn’t have the heart to stop him, even though she wanted that night to last forever. She wanted to talk to him, know his thoughts, maybe what all of this meant for them. Once his eyes were closed, she walked to the bathroom to get cleaned up a little. Her face and hair were a mess but she looked like her best self. The lines around her mouth and eyes looked so relaxed and at peace. Going back to her bed, she grabbed her plate and ate the cold fries while watching Ben sleep. He looked so dreamy lying there and she had him for at least one night.

Rey pulled the blanket over him and resumed her late snack. The young woman couldn’t get rid of the smile that had bloomed on her face. And as if the night wasn’t already perfect, Ben rolled on his side and buried his face on her stomach. He wasn’t completely asleep and sometimes, a little kiss interrupted her thoughts. She laid the plate on the night table and brushed his hair, whispering for herself.

« That’s what I want every night, every day… I want this so much… I love you… I always will… I wish you’d feel the same… »

Even if it wasn’t that late, the slow back and forth of Ben’s breath was rocking her. Her lids became heavy and it didn’t take long for her to fall asleep, her lover still hooked to her body. It was a dreamless night, one she could feel healing her even if the future was uncertain. 

****

The bathroom was still lit when she woke up. Her body was cold and Ben went sleeping on his side. Rey quickly moved closer to rest her chest against his back and wrap her leg around his hip. She couldn’t stay very long without the touch of his skin and the scent of his hair around her. It was still dark outside and her body was sore. She probably could sleep at least another 3 hours but her heart wasn’t up to it, because it could be the last 3 hours she got to spend with him like this. As she was softly kissing the base of his nape, smelling the soft part between his shoulder blades, she sensed his warm hand gently pulling her leg so she could get even closer. Encouraged, Rey rolled her arms on his chest to hold him tight. His broken and sleepy voice rose in the silence of the room.

« Why aren’t you sleeping? »  
« I can’t… I miss you already. »  
« I’m not gone. »  
« Not yet. »

Ben sighed and turned to face her. A shy and silvery moon ray was lightening his forehead and left eye. Rey’s hand landed on his cheek, her thumb brushing gently his pink lips before she sealed them again with hers. She wanted to cry, to hold him so hard he could never go away, but she wasn’t this person anymore. She couldn’t show that side of her, the scared and naive one. She understood the gravity of the situation and the mess they got themselves in. Ending their long embrace, he pulled her against him so she could pillow on his chest and rested his palm on her loins, his arm sheltering her from reality.

« Are we bad people? » She asked him.  
« I don’t know… Maybe we are… Does it matter now? »  
« It does to me. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone. »  
« Who says that? »  
« You know who… Breaking a marriage isn’t something I’m proud of. »  
« Don’t give yourself so much credit. »

Rey lifted her head to stare at him. He looked serious and blamed someone that wasn’t her.

« We weren’t the perfect item everybody thought we were. At least not the last couple of years. Marriage is maintenance and… It’s hard. »  
« She kind of told me. I’m sorry, Ben. »  
« I wonder what else she told you… Nevermind… I think I already know. » He added with sadness in his voice.  
« You don’t love her anymore? »  
« Yes I do. You can’t forget almost 15 years of sharing your life with somebody just like that. But you also don’t wake up one morning and fall in love with an intern you barely know if everything is perfect. »

Rey rested her head on him again, a shy smile blooming on her face. If that was his kind of love declarations, it was unexpected but heart-warming. He tightened his grip around her body making her feel so small against him. Every inch of her skin was touching his, waking up the delighting tension that existed between them since the beginning. He wasn’t smelling like soap and perfume anymore. It was his real scent, the one you get after sex and sleep. Rey loved every particle of it.

« Which one of you is unable to have kids? »

She sensed how surprised he was when she asked that question. Rey wasn’t supposed to know the couple had fertility issues. But he answered nonetheless. 

« We don’t know. We chose to run the tests after one year of trying but asked the doctor to just tell us if we should keep hoping or not. We didn’t want to know who had the problem to avoid the blame. »  
« Do you want to know now? »  
« Do you? »

Rey took a deep breath. Why would she want to know? Ben wasn’t her husband, she wasn’t even sure of who he was for her now. This answer wasn’t her real concern.

« I don’t think I should know… Right? »  
« I’ll get it if you did. »  
« Are you implying that I’m wondering if we could ever have kids? Because I don’t even know if you’re gonna eat breakfast with me today. »

He stayed silent for a few minutes, lost in his thoughts. Rey wasn’t mad at him for not answering. As much as she loved him, she knew how wrong this was. Betraying his wife like that wasn’t something they could ever put aside. And besides, Poe was kind of still in the picture too. They both cheated and their first night together will always be stained by their betrayal. 

« I don’t even know how she is doing right now… »   
« Is it true what you said last night? You didn’t talk to her? »  
« I can’t lie to her, Rey. She’s… Was, all my life. She changed me, taught me so many things about myself… When I met her I was lost and she made me a better man. We’ve tried to make it work in spite of the distance, the long working hours, the children thing… Of course, we talked and we agreed that… It was probably better for us to stop hurting one another. But it still feels like I’m cheating on her, breaking her heart. »  
« I’m sorry… »  
« Why? She wasn’t yours to be faithful to. You didn’t take a vow 8 years ago. »  
« I… I was just not helping at all. »  
« You tried… We both did. And even with all the love in the world, my marriage was over before you came in. It just… Could have taken maybe three other years for Audrey and I to let go of things. »

Rey wasn’t sure if she was relieved or not. He seemed pretty in love with his wife when she met him and she was the one who pushed him away and brought all these feelings up. At least she thought it had been like that. But for now, she wasn’t ready to deal with the dark and deep shit coming with their relationship.

« You didn’t lure me into loving you, did you? »  
« You mean, plan everything to spend more time with you? Yes, I did that. » He said with a smile in his voice. « But I wasn’t aware at the time, I think. I just felt… great when you were around. It was as simple as that. It was good, organic to find someone I could talk to and be understood. Then, I wanted to see you grow into the woman you are now, to reach your full potential. »  
« Did I do great? » She asked with a cheeky tone.

« You’re out of my league now, Johnson. »

She bursted into laughter, a light sound, free of remorse. Everything he had said had felt so good, legitimating their love as something right and no longer scandalous. 

« When did you realize it was more than… Me being your apprentice? »

Ben chuckled a little while thinking about it. He had pulled her closer now, his hand slowly migrating to her ass and making her grin.  
« I guess it was when you asked me all these questions about what my wife was thinking about our relationship. I got back to the hotel and thought that parts of you might be right. But I shut this voice inside my head. I didn’t want to believe I was going to be that man who fell for the young intern. »  
« I’m starting to think it’s just because I’m younger than you and you have all sorts of fantasies about banging your assistant, Ben. »  
« Maybe it’s also because you’re incredibly pretty, smart, determined… » 

While talking, Ben had rolled on her, ending his sentence against her lips. Rey fully embraced his weight burying her in the mattress and making something twitch in her stomach. All this time she’d spent wrapped around his hips had made her wet and ready for another round. But Ben didn’t intend to quickly fuck her under the sheets. He started kissing her throat and her chest, lingering on her breasts, heavily breathing against the sensitive skin. After sucking on one of her tits, he said:

« I’ve always wondered if you had freckles there too… I am not disappointed. »

Her chuckle vanished in a surprised moan when he started to pull gently on it with his teeth, his hand now between her legs. She wanted to close them and rub herself against his mighty palm but his large body kept her limbs open like a delicious torture. Having sex with an older guy had perks Rey had not thought about. He knew how to rise the tension in her body and make her feel like the most precious thing in the world. His mouth was everywhere but where she wanted it, enslaving her, making her desire him even more. 

Ben left bite marks, kisses all over her stomach and was now taking care of her thighs, lifting her ankles to rest on his shoulders. She didn’t even mind the sun slowly rising and exposing her intimacy to his sight. Rey felt so loved when his face landed on the lowest low of her belly, making her shiver and tremble against him. How many nights had she pictured those plump lips on this particular area?

And as thick as his mouth was, it was the delicate tip of his tongue that touched her first. Her expectative body didn’t dare to move while he was working his magic on her. Rey took a piece of the white silk sheet in her mouth to repress her will to push against his face. Wet noises and heavy breath filled the room and every time his mouth was leaving her swollen lips for air she couldn’t help but whinge. Soon, when his fingers joined the dance, Rey saw white dots all around her, biting harder and losing sight of her hand in his hair. She could feel his knuckles filling and torturing her from the inside with slight moves of back-and-forth. 

Watching her reactions and whinings, Ben quickly learned how to make her go crazy. Seeing him there would have been enough for her to make her come, but the fantasy was now very real and very good with his tongue and fingers. A last succion on her clit combined with a deep vibration between her folds and she was lost. An electrifying shock ran all over her body, chills covering her skin, her walls clenching and muscles tensing as the waves of relief and pleasure hit her everywhere. Ben kept kissing her inner thighs to soothe her and bring her heartbeat back to a regular rhythm. When he lifted himself on the pillow to kiss her and spoon with her, Rey couldn’t help but push her burning loins against him. Once again, he hadn’t been satisfied yet and Rey wanted to help. With a slight but firm grip on her hip, he made her understand that she wasn’t obliged to.

« But… I want to. »  
« I can last longer than your friend Joe, don’t worry. »  
« It’s Poe and you’re being mean! » She answered with a smile in her voice.

Ben giggled, burying his head in her hair and whispering to her ear:

« Are you going back to him…? »  
« It depends… »  
« On what? »  
« Two things: the first is whether you let me return the favor now. » She said feeling playful. « The second is that if you promise to not ghost me after this night. Even if it’s to tell me you’re not ready for something serious yet. I can’t stay there and not know. »  
« I promise… »

Ben didn’t know Rey wasn’t officially with Poe anymore but it didn’t matter. He was possessive of her and it felt great. If this could trigger him into realizing Rey was the one, she will go for it. Also, even if Poe and her had a tacit agreement of not consider one another as a real partner, they still had some kind of relationship. And she had thought about ending it as soon as Ben had entered her room the day before.

« It’s 7am. I have to leave at 8 for my flight. »  
« Well, I guess we’ll have to be practical. »

Rey pulled him out of bed, kissing his face while she lead him to the bathroom, his hard cock colliding with her body several times. She didn’t know where to rest her hands on and tried to print his shapes, curves and angles by touching them all at once. He was leaving in an hour and there was still so much to learn about. As thin as she was compared to him, Rey had no trouble to pin him against the bathroom counter. She never thought having a man this massive at her mercy would be so thrilling and here he was, letting her do whatever she wanted with him for almost 10 hours. And she loved hearing his humming while she was touching his pink and soft flesh, kissing his strong chest and telling him how much she loved him and wanted this over and over.

She parted from the CEO for a few seconds to switch the water in the shower on. As she was testing the temperature, he grabbed her again. This time, she was facing the mirror, his shaft stuck to her ass, his teeth nipping at her neck. She watched herself in the reflection, her messy hair, her swollen lips, the red marks all over her chest and those two large hands circling her waist and making her shiver even more. He lifted his eyes, meeting hers in the mirror and all she could see was lust and love. 

  
  


****

Seated in front of the TV, Rey was snacking on some candy bars she had bought on her way home. While Finn was still at the gym, she was finally catching up on the last episodes of Queer Eye. Her mind completely disconnected, she enjoyed the alone time to empty her thoughts. The last couple of weeks had been grueling for Rey. She was now working on several projects, including one movie adaption from one of Luke’s clients. Skywalker didn’t want to hear anymore of this Hollywood nonsense and Rey was left with all the work, even though she had never done anything like this. 

She had never negotiated anything in her life, much less a movie contract. And in spite of her several emails, calls et knocks on Skywalker’s door, she was all alone in this. The writer was freaking out, her agent and the whole company too. At some point, locked in the storage room of the office, Rey had had no choice but to dial Ben’s number. She didn’t even know where he was, what time it was for him and if he was busy but she needed someone who knew his shit. After what felt like an eternity, he’d finally picked up his phone. And when she had heard his concerned voice, Rey had felt immediately guilty for bothering him for her stupid anxiety moment. 

« Rey? Is everything okay? »  
« Yes… No. I… I don’t know. »  
« You’re scaring me. What’s going on? »

He was talking very low, as if he was busy.

« I’m probably bothering you. I’m sorry, I’m hanging up. »  
« No! No, I’m okay. I’m just… let me... okay we’re good. »  
« Where are you? »  
« Japan. I’m having dinner. Not sure it’s really polite to leave the table before the host but… Rey, tell me. »  
« I’m just… »

Rey had choked a sob in the sleeve of her jumper. She was having a hard time at work and at home. Sure, she was happy Luke trusted her with so many new things. But her limit had been reached. And with the whole Ben situation she had told no one about, not even Finn, that was the last straw. Ben had repeated her name, raising his voice to make her react.

« It’s ridiculous, really… It’s just that I have so much to do and half of the staff isn’t here and Luke doesn’t answer my calls and I don’t know what to do… and… I’m just really tired and -»

Rey had started crying for real, feeling miserable, pathetic and shameful. He was the last person she wanted pity from, especially since he told her how proud he was of her. But she also needed a shoulder to cry on and Ben’s had been her first choice at this moment. She had never called him. Ever.  
On the other side of the line, his voice was so soft and calm:

« Rey… Breath. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. What is it you can’t do right now? »  
« Oh my God, but I can’t tell you it’s so unprofessional… »  
« Forget who I am for two minutes. Just tell me. »  
« It’s… There’s this book… I’ve got to establish a contract because a studio wants to turn it into a movie but… But I don’t know how it’s done. »  
« Okay. First of all: congratulations. That’s a good thing, you should be proud of yourself and your team. Now, you’re new, nobody’s expecting for you to do this. And you absolutely don’t have the qualifications. If they are pressing you to sign, you just ignore them and you bring the pre-contract to the paralegals from Red Tree. Are they here? »  
« Yes… Yes I think so. »  
« Good. You bring it to them and you don’t do anything until you have everyone’s approval. The studio can wait. They just take advantage of your inexperience to make you agree on everything. »« Okay… Thanks… »  
« Is there anything else? »  
« No… I can handle the rest. »  
« Okay… You’re gonna be okay? »  
« Yes… Thank you. »

She had heard him take a big breath and scratch his throat. She didn’t know how to say goodbye now. Luckily, he’d done it for her.

« Okay, I have to go back… Just, keep me updated okay? »  
« Okay… Have a good… Dinner. »

He had chuckled a bit and hung up. Rey had taken another minute to dry her cheeks and collect herself. That Wednesday had been dreadful but at least now she knew what to do. Two days later, chewing on her candy bars, she grabbed her phone and finally kept Ben updated on her situation with a text:

« _Hi, just wanted to tell you that everything went fine about that contract. I’m sorry I called you I just didn’t know who to turn to. I won’t do that again. I hope your dinner went fine and that you are doing okay. xx »_

She immediately regretted the double X but it was already sent. Ben and her had agreed on one thing after that Parisian night: try to keep it professional as long as the situation was tense. It had been an emergency… And by the way, they had broken the rule once or twice since then. It was nothing bad but Ben loved to send her memes and pictures of the Colonel. His cat was a beautiful Chartreux with bright yellow eyes. And he, indeed, had big mustache. And there were those other stuff he had sent her too. Avoiding texting when you’re so far away was hard on both of them, especially when she had no idea what was going on between him and his wife. It was her demand not to interfere or have an opinion. She had her own life to think about. But sometimes, in the middle of the night, she would receive a sweet note to remind her of him. “I wish you were here” he had texted once. It was short, vague but filled her spirit with hope he was making things right for them and for Audrey. 

Rey didn’t wait long to receive an answer, a short one which warmed her heart:

« _I’m glad I’m the one you called. xxx_ »

« If only you could be my official emergency contact » she thought. Rey knew too much how many times people chose to give their couple another chance. Marriage was an investment and Ben was an honest man. She kept repeating herself what Finn had said: « 5% is better than nothing. »

  
  


****

  
  


If there was one thing Rey was proud she had finally mastered over the past months was to walk in heels. Jumping in and out of cabs, trains, sidewalks, chairs and stairs, the young woman wasn’t even thinking about the 12 centimeters needles she was perched on. She changed her style, but not too much, just the one to go to work. Nobody looked at her like a rookie anymore. Her hand-shakes were confident, firm and she was only giving smiles to partners who agreed to her terms. Luke Skywalker was still working with her but he was fully trusting her to do all the hard work. 

In January, she had a work trip planned. This time, she was going to join the writer and producers of a new TV show adapted from a book Luke had signed two years prior to her arrival. And it was all her doing. She had been the one to see the potential of this story, to analyse the sales, the target, to pick the cover for the new edition and to pitch the project to the agency. When she had received the positive answer from the studios in LA the first person she had called was Ben. It was the middle of the night in New York but she didn’t care. Rey didn’t even know if he was alone or not but all she could think about was to tell him and hear his proud, maybe impressed, tone. 

She remembered how it took for him a few seconds to properly answer. Rey didn’t want to bother him much and spoke very fast, probably very loud too. He’d listened to her until she was finished. His voice was still sleepy and cranky but she’d heard him laugh softly and articulate: « I’m so happy for you. You deserve it. » At that moment, she’d had so vividly wished she could celebrate with him that when she’d told him to hang up and go back to sleep, a bit of disappointment had spread in her voice. But, a couple of hours later, Rey had been asked to the reception of the office. A courier was waiting for her with a pink box in his hands.

« I have something for Rey Johnson. Is that you? »  
« Yes? »

She wasn’t expecting anything and used to receive big boxes of manuscripts, a package that small seemed odd. She signed the courier’s device and took the box and the letter that came with it. When she went back to her booth she opened the envelope first. It was a note that had been printed out. She read:

« _I can’t send you flowers yet, for obvious reasons, but here’s a little something to celebrate your achievement until I can properly reward you for your hard work. You don’t know how proud of you I am, Rey._

 _With all my love,_ _  
_ _Ben_ »

Rey smiled. That was a thoughtful attention from him to make deliver something for her so late in the night. She cautiously put the letter back in the envelope and grabbed the pink box. Inside, twelve macarons were neatly arranged. Pink, green, yellow, brown…They were all different in colors but all looked delicious. Rey giggled and grabbed the egg-shell one and took a bite. The vanilla flavour exploded in her mouth and the editor decided he had been right: she had to try on the good stuff before the crappy ones. She immediately sent him a picture of the box, minus one macaron, with the mention: « _Thanks, I’m not a virgin anymore. ily._ »

She smiled. She had never been very romantic but she could easily get used to those cute texts. If Rose or Finn had seen her right now, they’d probably kick the shit out of her for being so presumptuous about everything. Ben had not said anything clear about their relatinship and Rey was acting as if things were settled. But it wasn’t like Ben was that secret about his intentions toward her. The gift, the texts, the emails… Lately, she had felt him lighter in his messages, like something was out of his chest. Maybe Rey was delusional but the macaron melting on her tongue told her she was right. Fortunately for Rey, she wasn’t working at First Order anymore and couldn’t hear all the gossips and rumors spreading through the office. Rose, on the other hand, had had the pleasure to share with her every tiny detail she had heard about.

« They say he’s renting a new place in Manhattan! » She had once told Rey during one of their weekly meeting at the pub.   
« Who said that? »  
« Liz. You know how she talks with his assistant in New York. Apparently, he left the wife in the big duplex on the Upper East Side and took a smaller flat next to the office. Or was it a hotel room? »

Rey had sipped on her beer and bite her lip. She didn’t want to get her hopes high to be disappointed if it was not true. Plus, Ben had a cat, he couldn’t just go to a hotel. But then again, why would anybody made up something like that?

« So, maybe that’s your chance, Johnson. »

« I don’t know Rose… They’re just rumors. Besides, that doesn’t mean he wants me. »

Rose had squinted behind her beer.

« You’re hiding something. »  
« What? Me? »  
« Yes. You know something. Spill the beans Johnson! »

Rey had laughed but said nothing. It had been really hard to resist the urge to tell everything during all these weeks. And when Finn had arrived, she knew she was fucked. 

« Finn, my dear friend. I’m glad that you’re here because now I’m not the only one seeking for the truth! »  
« About what? » He’d asked, taking off his coat and drinking a bit in Rey’s pint.  
« Rey knows stuff about Solo. I think he’s moving out of his apartment. »  
« Oh is he? Well, judging by Rey’s ears color, we can assume that she knows. »  
« Told ya. Now spill. » Rose had said, hitting the table with her fist.

After several rock/scissors/paper games, 3 bets and 4 shots, Rey had felt cornered like a deer facing two hunting dogs. Rose and Finn had stopped drinking and breathing when she’d finally told them the truth. For twenty minutes, Rey had kept her friends captivated with her romantic, yet sexy, story. When she’d showed them their last texts, she noticed that Finn finally resumed chewing on the peanut he had put into his mouth when she’d started talking. Her roommate had looked very thoughtful. And Rose had been the first to open her mouth, with a very serious face:

« Okay but… what about his dick? »

Both Rey and Finn had choked on the cashews they were eating. Rey had laughed hysterically. Was she supposed to share? She would have about any other guy, but that was Ben, she felt something more than simple attraction… and he was still Rose’s boss. Her friend wouldn’t take another silence for an answer and had started clapping with her hands and singing: « Dick! Dick! Dick! », joined by Finn and a few other customers around. 

« Oh my God, Rose! Would you shut up already!? »  
« Not until you tell me everything about Solo Junior. Dick! Di- »  
« Alright! Just… Shut up. »  
« Oh my God it’s dicktime story. »  
« It’s… well… Proportionate. »  
« Oooooh. You’re a brave girl my sister.» 

Rose had winked at Rey with a knowing look. But Finn was looking at them desperately. 

« Guys, I’ve never seen the man in person! Enlighten me! »  
« I guess he’s something like 6”4’? Rey? »  
« I didn’t measure him! »  
« Yeah I bet you didn’t! » Rose had winked again.  
« Rose! It wasn’t like that. »  
« Like what? You made luuuuuv, it was romantic? »  
« It wasn’t like that either. It was perfect. That’s all I can say. »

The two women had chuckled while Finn was staring at them, obviously disagreeing. 

« I can’t believe two educated girls like you could think height and size are linked. »  
« Something you want to tell us, Finn? »

The three of them had laughed and cheered happily, ordering the next round of pints. Rendered kind of euphoric thanks to the booze and Rose’s revelations, she couldn’t help but send Ben a little something.

“ _You’re the only thing missing in my life._ ”

And she didn’t have to wait for him to answer.

“ _I’m sorry it’s taking some time. I’m trying to make things right by you and by her. There’s nothing I can think about but the thought of you in my arms. Please, wait for me._ ”  
“ _I lived 4 seasons without you, I can wait a little longer._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOW NOW! Before you yell at me, I'm planning on releasing an epilogue very very soon (it's ready). So there will be a reunion don't worry.  
> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. It was kind of a long journey but you all helped me make it better with your comments, so thank you for that.  
> I don't know if I succeeded answering all your questions about Ben but if I did not, you can request his POV in the comment section. I already know that even if you don't have questions anymore you'll ask for it because there's no such thing as too much of Ben Solo.  
> I'm gonna miss my characters so much ♡
> 
> Thank you again for being here and as always you can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ApfelTHS)!


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last and final chapter to this story. We're back in Winter with a brand new Rey. I don't know what to say besides thank you for following this story and to share your thoughts with me, it has been very interesting and heartwarming!  
> I hope you'll enjoy those two being finally together!

[ ](https://servimg.com/view/11189626/1362)

During the first weeks of December, Rey had kept quiet. She had not text Ben or call him. She knew the last month of the year was a tricky one for publishers and they both needed to focus. She had been so absorbed by her work that her mind kind of slipped away. He was there, somewhere like he always was, but it’s wasn’t painful anymore. She knew something was coming and it was enough. She trusted him. For the past year, she had put her career before anything else, especially before Ben. If she had done otherwise, she wouldn’t be standing in this hotel lobby right now, wearing a name tag.

Despite her chaotic love life, Rey had achieved more in one year than in the other twenty-four of her short existence. Christmas was coming soon, the lobby was so lovely with the giant decorated fir, red bows, golden garlands and shiny stars all around. It was the same as when she came for the first time, exactly one year ago. But this time, she had been invited by the convention board. Luke was giving a speech in the afternoon and Rey had prepared everything for him. Holding her tea cup in her hand while waiting at the bar, she saw several younger people looking at her nametag with envy.

It was like watching herself a few months back. She had been intimidated, scared and certain she would never be hired until at least 4 other years of vagrancy. But here she was, sipping on a delicious afternoon tea, reading her emails and waiting for her boss’ turn to speak. It still took Rey some time to adjust to things and to be a 100% confident about what she was doing but day after day, she would ignore the cold sweat running down her spine and get the work done.

She thought about how much she gained and how little she lost. Patience and merit had been the two most important words during these months. Ben taught her that. Luke, Rose, Liz, Hux… They all did. Even Audrey had played her part. It was easy to fall in love with somebody, but marriage was probably the gift of life that costed people the most. It had drained Audrey and Ben in and out of love, it had made them as happy as they were miserable, it had made Rey guilty of wanting someone she couldn’t have. And now, the only way she could ever be happy with somebody was with a clean slate. She had waited long enough for Ben to pick up his mess and she hoped this time was right.

When she had arrived in the hotel, she already knew that her former boss was going to be there. His name was written everywhere, it would have been impossible to miss it. He was, as always, a guest of honor. At 6, when he was supposed to give his speech, Rey didn’t stay in the conference room. She didn’t want him to see her, she didn’t want to hear what he had to say about the book industry… The next time they’ll see each other, it would be to talk about them. The young editor joined Luke into the ballroom to enjoy an early glass of champagne and mini cheese soufflé.

It didn’t take long for the crowd to fill the place and Rey was now feeling exactly the way she was 365 days before. Unless now, she was part of the fuss. She didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, especially not to herself. Luke was introducing her to everyone he could, passing the torch without any guests suspecting it was probably the last conference of his career. Rey was taking brain pictures of all the faces and names she had encounter. Soon, she’ll be sitting in Skywalker’s office, at his old desk, surrounded by his great work and she’ll have to deal with all these people. Luke, as wise as he was, couldn’t help but gossip about them the moment they were walking away, making Rey laugh discreetly in her drink.

While she was taking another glass of champagne, her eyes met Ben’s. He was standing across the room, talking to a group of people who were drinking his words. He looked a bit distracted for a moment, his eyes bouncing between his audience and Rey’s smile. Little by little, the crowd around them seemed to disappear. Rey was only seeing him with his black jumper, shiny hair and his palms casually stored in the pockets of his pants. He brought his hand around his chin, faking to listen to the man in front of him, and Rey squinted. Something was odd, but she couldn’t guess what.

She excused herself and exited the ballroom with a last glimpse at the CEO. Climbing down the stairs way more peacefully than the first time she had, Rey headed directly to the balcony. The air was chilly but dry. There was no rain expected tonight. The sky was clear, full of stars and outside there was nothing but silence and the distant murmur of conversations and music. Rey shivered a bit, her black silk dress probably too thin for this mid-December night.

Behind her, she heard the sound of a lighter and a burning smell tickled to her nose. Ben came next to her, a cigarette between his fingers, his eyes scanning the garden below them. The first minutes of their meeting were silent, each of them enjoying the other’s presence.

« We’re back from the start. » He said.  
« Are we? I think we’re beyond that. »  
« Oh yeah? How so? »  
« I took as many opportunities as I could, just like you taught me. »

He smiled and turned to her, leaning on the edge and sucking on his cigarette with the same elegance and nonchalance that had drawn her to him the first time. That’s when she realized what was missing. His wedding ring wasn’t there anymore. A white circle was now scaring his finger, reminding them of the past. Rey swallowed, trying to not be too overflowed by the missing ring. He noticed she was staring at his hand for a bit and opened his mouth again:

« The papers are not signed yet but… »  
« You rent a flat next to the office in New York? »  
« How do you know? »  
« Maybe you should ask your assistant to be more… Discreet. »  
« Ah, fuck. »

He wasn’t mad and Rey mentally restrained herself. She was not going to fall down at his feet and follow him everywhere he’ll go. She won’t be that woman because she now knew she didn’t need him to save her or to make her feel responsible for herself. She did love him, though. And it felt like the beginning of something new.

“Aren’t you scared?” He asked blankly. And she knew exactly what he was referring to.  
“Loving someone is a leap of faith. I was scared all my life. I don’t want to do that to us.”  
“You trust me?”  
“You’re not a cheater, Ben.”

She laid her hand on his to soothe him, trying to send away his doubts and the trauma that a failed relationship had brought him. But he didn’t seem to believe it could be right.

« I asked for the results to the doctor. You know about… »  
« And? »  
« I guess Karma knew exactly who to target. »

Rey was trying to read his mind. Was he hurt? Ben had just learned he was unable to have kids, it had broken his marriage and now he was certainly blaming himself for it. Maybe, he also wondered if this didn’t ruin his chance to be with a younger woman, who probably wanted to start a conventional family someday.

« You’re not gonna make me back off Solo. Not now. » She said with a smile. Noticing how uncomfortable he still was about that topic, she moved on quickly « What’s your plan for Christmas? »  
« I’m going to see a bit of my family… Haven’t seen them in like two years. You? »  
« We have our Christmas traditions with Finn. Movies, junk food, snogging and sleeping on the couch. »  
« Should I be jealous? »  
« Oh no, the couch isn’t very comfortable. »

Rey laughed as a grumbling growl came out of his throat. His body was now very close to Rey’s, as if he was marking his territory. And as willing to let him do it as she was, she didn’t respond to his call. His voice was calmer, but still inquisitive.

« And next year... what about next year? »  
« I’m going to stay in London… work, you know, the usual. Maybe you can come by sometimes, if you happen to be in the city. »

Ben was biting his lip, breathing slowly and trying not to smile. He didn’t want to please her too much but they already knew that she won when he took her cold hand in his to intertwine their fingers. Silence fell back between them. None of them was breaking the eye contact, allowing the tension to grow again and surround them with a soft and warm halo. His lips parted slowly and whispered a shy and quiet « _I love you_ » only them could hear. Rey shivered from the top of her head to the tip of her feet. She had dreamed of these words for a year. Hearing them made her euphoric, warm and even more in love. Standing on her toes, as high as her heels would allow it, she brushed her lips against his and kissed him gently. She had missed the sweet taste of his tongue, the mellow of his skin and the amber scent of his neck.

When her heart began his usual race, she parted from him with a smile. His puppy eyes didn’t stop her from leaving, her stilettos loudly clapping on the marble. But before she closed the door behind her, she threw a cheeky suggestions:

« Though, I might fancy a New Year’s Eve in New York, you know? Maybe on a boat, with the skyline, the fireworks and… Somebody to kiss me at midnight. »

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your support! 
> 
> I already have some ideas for Ben's POV, I don't know if it's going to happen, let's see! :)  
> I'll keep answering in the comments but you can find me on [ Twitter](https://twitter.com/ApfelTHS) too :)


	6. A year in the life of Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Rey by his sides, Ben reflects on the past year and try to finally make things right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> I thought I was done with this story but you know what? I was not.  
> Requested here and on Twitter, this is how I imagined Ben's year to be like and how I pictured him in this story. I hope it'll help you understand him if you needed more connexion to his character.  
> It was a bit tough to write, I'm not gonna lie. I had to forget everything I had in mind and erase Rey to bring him here, so I hope it's gonna make sense. It helped me get closure, so I guess that's the most important?
> 
> Also I'd like to thank [ Emma ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmoon/pseuds/kittensmoon) for proofreading this chapter. And I encourage her to continue to write this story when she'll be ready. Now you can't be a chicken about this, it's online.
> 
> Enjoy!

[ ](https://servimg.com/view/11189626/1363)

The sun was streaming through the windows into the room. It was bright and warm, and it pulled Ben out of his reverie. He was sitting at the foot of the bed, rubbing his hands on his face in an attempt to wake up. On his left, a bump under the blanket moved a little and emerged from the sheets. Her tiny pink foot stretched a little and then went still again. He looked behind him to make sure she was still asleep.

From here, he could only see a mane of hazel hair and her arms disappearing under the white pillow, her shoulder blades beaming under the shy morning light. He pulled himself up so he could lie by her side and gently caress her back. Freckles sprinkled her pale skin like brown leaves falling from the trees and dancing in the white sky of October. He kissed her shoulder with the tip of his lips. He didn’t want to wake her up, she was so tired. He just stayed there, his nose very close to her neck so he could intoxicate himself with her exquisite smell. A mix of honey, citrus and british rose, something he could only find on her. He remembered the first time he'd noticed how good she smelled.

_It was that night at the club when he had invited the entire british division of First Order to celebrate the New Year. She was there, glowing like a firefly in the dark. She was wearing this strappy black dress that left pretty much nothing to the imagination and seated right in front of him, turning her back to him. Ben remembered how he had felt when he’d invited her to his table to talk about Paris: guilty. She was young and looking up to him with those bright, passionate and hopeful eyes. Rey would drink and agree on everything he said._

_She was hungry for life, hungry for work and above all: she was refreshingly humble. The young intern was willing to learn anything anyone could teach her. He had admired that from the moment they had met. He was far beyond that now, but this little woman showing him you could still learn every step of the way brought him back to where he’d started: a lonely, weird-looking boy who lived in his books._

_After telling her to join him in Paris, Ben wanted to know more about her. So he started to talk about what he knew best and she responded right away. She leaned closer to him and her scent tickled his nostrils. He had found it odd that a smell could arouse his interest and curiosity like that. He first thought she probably wore a lot of perfume but then, he started looking for that same fragrance everywhere he went. The warmth of the honey, the freshness of the british rose, the pinch of surprise of the citrus… That was all Rey._

She moved a bit in her sleep and Ben smiled. She was such a heavy sleeper. Nothing could wake her up and he was thankful for it because he had spent too many mornings working next to her, fearing he might wake her up. But he never did, she would lie there, her eyes closed and her pretty hand wrapped around the hem of his sleeping t-shirt. She loved doing that, hold onto a piece of him every time she could. Ben knew why she did that and it didn’t comfort him very much. Being in a relationship with someone who learnt to love you through pain and jealousy wasn’t the way he’d imagined true love to be. But then again, what did he know about true love? She was trying so hard not to show him how much she had suffered from having to convince herself life could be enough without him. He wasn’t going to tell her he knew she was scared of losing him.

He was scared too. Not that he didn’t trust himself, because he wasn’t afraid to cheat on her. He was afraid that what they shared would never be enough. He was living in New York and Rey was still in London. Ben would never ask her to ditch everything to go with him and she would never do that to him either. So, for now, they were living separate lives. It worked. They had no time to fight, they just wanted to spend time with each other. But he knew it couldn’t last because that wasn’t how you build a relationship for a lifetime. It had not worked for his first marriage, it wouldn’t this time either.

_The whole apartment was in the dark when he came home but he could hear the distant murmur of conversation. He took off his coat and let his suitcase in the entryway. He would have time to unpack tomorrow. When he entered the hallway, he could see the diffuse light coming from the bedroom. Audrey had probably fell asleep with the TV on. He hated that. He always had headaches when it stayed on during the night._

_When he came in, all he could see was the thin shape of her back out of the blankets. His own side of the bed was neat and she wasn’t brimming over it, perfectly lying on the left. He sat gently, making the mattress bend a little and sighed. That’s when he heard her sleepy voice:_

_“Don’t sit on the bed with your travel clothes.”  
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m tired. Go back to sleep.”_

_She rolled over to face him and he turned his head to look at her. She was so pretty with her messy auburn hair and her dry lips. She had cried again, he could see it in her eyes. She cleared her throat and spoke again._

_“How was London? How’s our dear Hux?”  
“Everything is fine, darling.”  
“Just fine? Talk to me…”_

_Ben took a deep breath and stood up._

_“I’m gonna take a shower first and then I’ll come to bed, okay?”_

_He didn’t let her answer and went straight to the bathroom. As he was undressing, he felt her gaze on his back. She wrapped her arms around him, burying her face between his shoulder blades. He could feel how lonely she was, how tight she was holding on. He took her hands in his and intertwined their fingers._

_“You wanna shower together?” He asked with a gentle voice.  
“I’d really like that.”_

_Under the hot water, he hold her very close to him, rocking them both slowly, her head against his broad chest. Usually, she hated when he got her precious hair wet. But right now, it seemed like she couldn’t care less it was going to get all frizzy. He lifted her chin and kissed her gently, making her smile._

_“I missed you, Ben. You’ve barely been here for Christmas and-”  
“I know. I promise you I’m going to stay here a bit longer this time. I’m going to take some time off, we can go to the vineyard… rest a little, drink, eat good food… you’ll have time to write again.”  
“I always have time to write, Ben. That’s all I do.”  
“But you love it, don’t you?”_

_The tender embrace was now over. She was rushing out of the shower, wrapping herself in a bathrobe and almost running back to the bedroom. Ben sighed, his jaw clenched. How was he supposed to fix anything if she kept shutting him out?_

_When he came back to the bedroom, still wet and with a towel hung around his hips, she was furiously brushing her hair in front of the mirror of her dressing table. He sat on the bed and looked at her. He knew she could see his reflection and that it annoyed her because she couldn’t escape him. She couldn’t escape them._

_“I love you, Audrey but… I don’t know what to say anymore. You’re mad at me… all the time. I know why, but there’s nothing I can do against it. I can’t just drop everything I worked for.”  
“I don’t have the energy to go through that again.” She said with a dry tone.  
“Then tell me what you want!”  
“I want a husband! Not a shadow, not a CEO, not my publisher… I want my husband!”_

_Ben knew that if she started yelling, there was no way he was sleeping in their bed that night. He was trying to avoid that situation at all cost because sleeping in the guest room also meant that the rare days he could spend at home with her would be ruined. He jumped on his feet, grabbed her, ignoring her screams and sat back on the bed with her on his lap this time._

_“I’m here. Tonight I’m here. Tomorrow too. Please, give me a chance. You can be mad at me when I’m away.”  
“That’s too easy.”  
“I love you.”  
“Shut up.”  
“I love you. Let me love you.”_

_He had pulled her nightgown up and had started to draw hearts with the pulp of his fingers on the warm skin of her breasts._

_“You wouldn’t be getting away with this if you weren’t that hot you know that, asshole?”_

_He chuckled and kissed her, tightening his grip around her hips. She started rocking against him, opening his towel and pulling his hair hard. Ben moaned against her lips. He knew this wasn’t going to be a loving embrace. He was going to fuck her to sleep just so she could calm down and he could finally rest too. It felt as wrong as it was good. When he pinned her one last time into the mattress, she digged her nails into his shoulder, making him cry a little._

_“Don’t think this conversation is over. It’s never over.”_

_He fell on his side and swallowed harshly. He would hear about this at least for a week. Audrey turned off the light and rolled over on her pillow. He could barely hear her breathe. The TV was still on and he knew she wasn’t going to let him turn it off. Maybe the couch would have been a better place to sleep, actually._

Ben covered Rey’s shoulders and walked to the kitchen. His new apartment was neat but kind of empty. At least that was what Rey kept telling him every time she would come to the US to see him. And every time he thought the same thing: it was only a house - not a home - because she wasn’t permanently in it. Still, every trip she had taken from London to NYC, Rey had brought Ben something to put on his walls or on one of the bare tables. Facing him, between the two big windows, she had hung one of Doisneau’s pictures, the one of the couple kissing in front of the Opéra Garnier in Paris. “Next book fair, I want you to kiss me right there, and we’ll ask Hux to take the picture.”, she had told him.

He had laughed so hard, and even harder when he had realized she was being serious. She had frowned and thrown a cushion at his face and he had managed to articulate between his tears: “I’d rather kill myself than have Hux as a romantic chaperone in Paris, my love.” She had started to laugh too.

“So, where are you going to kiss me?”

He was going to kiss her everywhere and everyday for a lifetime. That night, lying down on the cream carpet they had made love on, he had taken a picture of her. She was naked, her arm hiding her pretty breast, the other hand in her hair. She was biting her lip because she was embarrassed but her shiny eyes kept showing him how much she loved him. He had framed the black and white picture. It was now displayed on the side table of the couch and in his wallet too so he could look at it anytime he wanted. He remembered looking at her picture when he was in the car bringing him back at l’Hôtel du Louvre the first time they went together in Paris.

_He had just finished that boring dinner with a client and was heading back to his room. Hux was on the phone with his best honeyed voice… Dear God, did Hux have a special someone in his life? Ben shook his head to erase the mental pictures from his mind and focused more on Rey’s profile. Every employee at First Order had one. Rey’s was not very detailed since she was new and an intern, but he could track stuff she was working on. Her work was always so well done. Ben loved to read her precise comments. He knew she was taking her time to do things properly. It was far from perfect, but she was trying hard and it showed._

_Sometimes he wondered what was going on in her brain. She seemed very different from his other employees. She wanted to do good, sure, but that girl had a plan. She wasn’t going to be someone’s assistant. At least, not for long. He liked her determination. So, when he ran into her in the lobby that night, he couldn’t not jump on the occasion to ask the burning questions he had in mind for weeks._

_She seemed surprised he invited her in the first place, but now that they were speaking like two old friends, he couldn’t think of a moment he had felt more at ease with someone in the past two years. She had a nice laugh, a warm one. Alcohol suited her because with each sip, the lines on her face relaxed and allowed her to sit back and enjoy her time. He liked speaking with her, so he wanted her to be comfortable with him. She always had good ideas and needed to be unafraid to share them with her boss._

_When she mentioned his wife, Ben missed a heartbeat. He had completely forgotten he had to call her before going to sleep. It wasn’t too late to do it, it was still early in New York but she’ll probably wonder what took him so long._

_“ Oh you know Audrey?” He asked, hoping she wouldn’t get his melancholic tone._

_Rey went on and on about the writer. And through her words, Ben felt his heart beating faster for Audrey again. It was true, all of it. He had married a brilliant woman, someone who could lift his spirit and make him feel complete. He definitely had to say it to her tonight. But when he offered Rey to meet her, she seemed to back off a little. Odd. Maybe she was just shy. Never meet your heroes, they said. They were probably right._

_Rey looked tired, he thought. She was smiling, leaning a bit on him, laughing louder than she should. Maybe it was the booze or the lack of sleep. He didn’t know but he wasn’t mad about it. She seemed to be a very friendly girl when you finally got to know her. He understood why she was so popular at work. Maybe he should give her more responsibilities._

_Her perfume smelled even heavier now that she was closer and the warmth of her skin intensified the fragrance’s molecules. It was like he could see the mist evaporating from her neck she had unintentionally put on display. He closed his eyes for a second then looked at the time on his phone. The picture of Audrey he had taken last summer in the garden of their house in the vineyard was looking at him with disdain. It was time to go._

_He walked Rey to their rooms and caught a last sight of her before closing his door. She was walking to her suite, her arm bent as if she was touching her stomach. She was turning her back to him but there was something in her attitude that made bothered him. The joyful and innocent Rey wasn’t glowing anymore. Her shoulders were down, her chin low and her hand a bit shaky on the knob. Ben closed his door. Maybe she wasn’t as happy as she looked._

Ben pressed the pump down to blend his coffee and poured it in a cup. The steamy brew slowly woke him up. Rey hated that he drank so much coffee and had tried several times to convert him to the tea religion. But he couldn’t help it, he was an unhealthy american and he was fine like this. He had still bought her everything so she could make herself some tea when she was here. It wasn’t happening often but he wanted her to feel at home. This time, she was spending the whole week in New York, working on the book she was turning into a movie with Warner Brothers. She had arrived the day before and they had spent the whole night talking, kissing, eating ice cream and making love.

When the sky had started to brighten up, she’d fallen asleep in his arms. She had less than two days to make sure she was ready for work on Monday morning but he knew his girl. She could take down a whole team of studio executives even though she wasn’t aware of it. He had trusted her right away. That was why he had asked her to assist him when she was still an intern. It was a pleasure to work with her because she always made sure her presence was essential. He vividly recalled that moment when she had put that obnoxious banker back in his place. The old guy had implied it was strange to see so many women involved in companies like First Order now. Before Ben could even open his mouth, she had put on her best smile and said:

_“Oh but you see, I don’t even wear a corset, I’m not a real girl, Sir.”_

_The banker politely nodded, shaked Ben’s hand and went back in his office. Rey pressed her lips together, waiting to be yelled at by her boss. But Ben just laughed all the way back to the limo. She was surprised at first but joined him once they were together alone. Later that day, he received a text from Audrey while they were in the car on the road to Armani._

_“I can’t believe you won’t even tell me you weren’t gonna be there for your mom’s birthday! We’ve been planning this for months Ben, she’s not my mom and you’re not gonna be there. You’re so selfish!”_

_He had no time to take care of this right now. No time at all. Leia will understand why he had to be away. The last crisis with Han was still vivid in his mind and he didn’t want to cause yet another scene with his father. Not on his mom’s 60th birthday. She deserved better than that. Also, he didn’t want to see his family in this state of mind. He wasn’t able to fake happiness in front of them. He opened his agenda and asked Rey for the Sheffield report._

_“ The Sh… I don’t have it.”  
“ I asked you to take it yesterday.”  
“ I’m sure you didn’t but I can-”_

_He threw her a look that probably said “I don’t want to hear it” because she stopped talking on the spot. He saw it in her eyes, the fear, the disappointment, the sadness. He didn’t want to be harsh on her but it was a stressful day and even 3470 miles away, Audrey kept him in a gloomy mood. He had to stop. He asked the chauffeur to park and went out for a smoke a few step away from the car. The nicotine slowly calmed his nerves. Rey was not responsible for his sudden mood shift. He had to apologize. But she was his employee, he asked for something she didn’t do right… So it was only fair he would be mad at her._

_But then he remembered… Liz was in charge of the Sheffield report. She was the one he asked to take care of it. Rey had nothing to do with it. But if he apologized now, she’d start asking questions about his level of stress, she wouldn’t take him seriously. And now wasn’t the time to be questioned because he could easily burst into tears if she asked anything about something personal._

_When she announced him the report was on its way, he thanked her but said nothing more. He could feel her gaze on him, he knew she wasn’t guilty of anything but he couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t apologize or he’ll probably start confessing way more than just how tiring his day was. But Rey would not let anything go. Seated in front of him in his favorite italian restaurant in London, she was fiddling her spaghetti with her fork. She had taken her navy blazer off and he could see her lovely shoulders shining under the soft halo of candle lights._

_“ Ben… Is your wife okay with… This? “  
“ What do you mean? “ He answered, perfectly aware of what she was meaning but too afraid to look at her in the eyes.  
“ You… me… Seeing each other alone so often. “_

_He swallowed a sip of wine to give himself a few more seconds to find the right answer._

_“ Does your boyfriend have a problem with this? “ Few more seconds. And to be honest, he was very curious.  
“ My… What boyfriend? “  
“ The guy on the pictures you pinned on your desk. “_

_She was now looking at him with a sad face Ben didn’t know she was capable of making. Did he say something wrong? Hurtful?_

_“ Finn? He’s my roommate. We don’t… I don’t have a boyfriend. “ Interesting.  
“ My bad, you seemed pretty close.”_

_What was he doing? Why was he speaking to her like she was a stranger? And why was she so interested in his personal life suddenly? It had always been about the books, the work, food sometimes, their dreams… He often confided in her but he had always approached the subject of his wife with caution. He didn’t want to betray Audrey by speaking to another woman. And certainly not to one he found attractive._

_“So… Is she? Bothered? “  
“Why? That I spend time with my assistant? No she’s not, Rey.”_

_He was getting tired with these questions. What was the point in all of this? Why did she wanted him to say? That he couldn’t care less what his wife could think of him spending time with that brilliant girl he liked a lot? That wasn’t the truth. He cared. But he found it more and more difficult to empathize with her when she was giving him a hard time. That wasn’t like he could say that to her._

_“It’s just that.. we have seen each other a lot outside of the office. You didn’t have to invite me to have dinner with you again tonight and in Paris-”  
“Rey, I’m allowed to bond with women from work. Audrey spends her days with her agent, he’s a guy and I’m not mad. We trust each other.”_

_That part was true. Audrey would never cheat on him. And he would never cheat on her. Rey looked sad again. He didn’t want to make her miserable. He didn’t want to talk to her like she was a kid and he was all grown up. He had been obnoxious with her from the moment Audrey had sent her text. It wasn’t Rey’s fault he was nervous and tired. It wasn’t her fault he didn’t know what to say to soothe his wife._

_On the way to drive her home, he looked at Rey’s profile. The young intern was watching the rain pouring on the window, the lines of her face tensed and preoccupied. Something in Ben’s stomach shifted. His heart became heavy when he realized he didn’t want Rey to be sad, ever. She didn’t deserve that, especially if he was the one causing her pain. From the moment he had met her, Ben had wanted everything for Rey Johnson. He was making sure she could thrive in a safe environment, by his side if possible. His eyes landed on her hands, crossed on her lap. He surprised himself by desperately wanting to take one. What was wrong with him? He was probably like a father figure to this girl. He couldn’t use his influence on her._

_Finally alone in his hotel room, Ben lied down in his briefs, the lights from the street reflecting on the ceiling. Rey’s words kept repeating themselves like a litany. Something was off. Well, he knew what. First Order was thriving but he was always keeping on eye on the finance which has always been a big anxiety trigger topic for Ben. One of his great accounts was being a pain in the ass with his contracts and there was the whole Audrey thing. Now on top of that, Rey was questioning his intentions. He had to go back to New York quickly. From the US, he could run things and his relationship to Rey will be back to normal. They would still exchange emails, share thoughts about life as they always had without being polluted by this ambiguity. Because that was what it felt like to Ben. Maybe Rey was just afraid he was making a move with all of these meetings and he couldn’t let her think that. Not when things were so delicate… And also because it wasn’t the case. Ben wasn’t flirting with the young intern. It was against his work ethic._

_He rolled on his side and closed his eyes. Rey’s pretty face was printed behind his lids. Could he have some peace of mind? He was lying to himself. This had nothing to do with work ethic. He was simply infatuated with her. It was common. She was pretty, funny, smart… They had a lot in common and his married life was boring. It was a phase and he just had to ignore it long enough until everything fell back in order._

Ben smiled. He had been so stupid thinking his little crush would just fade away. He wasn’t a hopeless romantic. He wasn’t falling in love easily. When he loved, it was always serious. That had happened with Audrey. Love at first sight. He had been marveled by her spirit, her green eyes, her smooth legs and every word coming out of her fingers. If it had been possible, he would have married her the instant he’d met her. Speaking of her, Ben found a letter from his ex-wife in the pile waiting for him on the coffee table. He opened the envelope and read the content. It was an official statement with everything they owned in their house in the vineyard. They had to split everything in two, sell the house and share the money too. He rubbed his forehead with his hand and started reading. From their tea pot to the shower curtain… everything was listed. Ben already had a headache. The last time he had gone in the vineyard was probably a year ago.

_Ben had a long week. He came home, exhausted, drained of his energy. Seated in the dark in his living room, a beer in his hand, he was waiting for Audrey to come home too. He didn’t have the strength for another fight, he just wanted her to be there. The squeaking of the door woke him a bit and he watched her take off her denim jacket and hang it in the cupboard in the lobby. She took off her heels, turned on the light and shouted, her hand now on her chest._

_« Jesus Ben! You scared me! What are you doing in the dark? »_

_Ben didn’t answer. He didn’t have the courage to open his lips. If he did, God knew what could come out of his mouth. She walked to him and placed her hands on her waist, waiting for him to say something. He lifted his eyes to look at her. Her frowned brows untangled immediately and she sat on him, wrapping her arms around his head to bring him closer to her. Ben buried his face in the warmth of her chest, his jaw clenched like he didn’t want to break in front of her._

_« I’m here, honey. »_

_His free hand grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled on it a little. He was resisting so hard but her kisses on his forehead weren’t helping. Without a warning, tears started to flood out of his eyes, soaking his cheeks and her top but she hold him even tighter. She rocked him, waiting for the storm to pass. He knew her scent by heart, the shape of her body was home to him. He knew exactly how to position his head so his nose would precisely fit on the right spot in her neck so he could smell the warmest area. His heart caught up on hers and started to beat in symbiosis again. It was good, it felt right. When he stopped crying, she started to talk, brushing his hair backwards._

_« What’s wrong, honey? »  
« I’m tired. »  
« That’s it? You’re just tired? »  
« I just feel hopeless sometimes. Like everything is going to shit. I can’t stay focused, I feel like something is wrong. »  
« What could be wrong, Ben? Baby, everything is okay at work. I just talked to Maz this morning. It’s fine. Why are you suddenly so anxious? »  
« Because… It’s too much. I can’t do it by myself. I was never able to do it, I know that and you know it. »_

_He had started to cry again and she had fell on the floor between his legs._

_« Hey. Look at me. This bullshit was okay when you were 25. You were scared, you were betting your life on this project. But now you gotta stop being a baby, Ben. You’re the bravest and smartest man I know. I didn’t marry a coward. You hear me? » She pulled his hands down so he wouldn’t hide behind them again. « You always said I was the one who started everything. You are lying to yourself because you’re too afraid of what you’re capable. You did this all by yourself. I’m so proud of you. Okay? I love you. »_

_Audrey made sure he got it before she kissed him hard on the mouth. She dried his cheeks and stood up. « Tomorrow we’re going to the vineyard. You need a break. I’ll call your assistant. » He watched her go in the dressing room. He knew she was already packing. His brave, smart and understanding wife was not going to let him down. He was. He was the one sabotaging their marriage. At least, it felt like it._

_Seated on the bench under the tree, he was reading a book Rey had chosen for him. Audrey’s head was on his thighs, reading something on her own, when her voice broke the peaceful silence of the countryside._

_“You think you can live without being a parent?”_

_He closed his eyes for a few seconds, knowing exactly where this conversation would lead them._

_“Yes. I made my peace with it, darling.”  
“How?”  
“I’m just happy with what we have.”  
“But what if we should keep trying?”  
“You want to keep trying?”  
“I don’t know. We would have to know who has the problem first.”  
“Listen… I made my research and most of the time even if the man is infertile, the woman is the one who has to go through the treatments. You really think I want to put you through this, to put a needle in your butt twice a day?”  
“You don’t think it’s worth it?”  
“No, I don’t.”_

_She sat. Ben knew that once she was sitting, she wasn’t going to let go of this._

_“Why are you being such an ass?”  
“Wh-what did I say? You asked, I answered.”  
“You think fighting to have our own family is not worth it?” That was a trap.  
“You’re twisting my words. Audrey, I thought you were okay with not having kids! We said it was better like this!”  
“Well, now I changed my mind!” She said with that insufferable tone of hers.  
“So what am I supposed to do, huh?”  
“We have the money to do this. We can try ten times, Ben.”  
“I don’t want to!” He started to shout, well-aware he should stay calm.  
“Oh, well why don’t you say it first instead of using my comfort as an excuse?”_

_Ben closed his book and jumped on his feet. They came here to rest and she was yelling at him just like in New York. He crossed the garden, crushing tulips on his way to the house. But he could hear her following him. Ben just wanted a break from life. He opened the fridge, took a bottle of beer and his cigarettes._

_“You’re not gonna smoke in here! Ben, I’m talking to you!”  
“You’re not talking, you’re barking!”  
“Oh very nice, sweetheart. You chose your moment to piss me off.”  
“You’re always pissed off. When it’s not work, it’s your fucking book, your fucking assistant, which by the way, I pay a fortune! And now, what again? The baby talk, over and over. There’s nothing I can do, Audrey!”  
“We stopped talking about this years ago!”  
“Because there was nothing we could have done! You think I’m satisfied seeing you like this? You think I don’t want you to be a mother?”  
“We could try a surrogate or a sperm donor-”  
“NO!”_

_She stayed a bit stunned and sighed._

_“You’re not even trying.”  
“Audrey, please.” Ben expirated to calm his tone. “I already told you I’m not able to do that. Can’t you understand? I made my peace with it. I thought we could be a family, you and me.”  
“If we had a child-”  
“It’s not gonna fix our problems! I don’t wanna bring a kid into this!”_

_Ben stopped and looked up, biting his lip. Audrey didn’t answer. She cleared her throat and walked to their bedroom, quietly closing the door behind her._

_“Fuck.”_

Ben bit his nail. That probably wasn’t the best memory to keep from their vacation house. They had spent so many Christmases there, celebrated most of their achievements - career-speaking and as a couple. Ben had immediately agreed on selling the house when the lawyers had mentioned it. It was stained with sadness now. He grabbed his phone and typed an email to Audrey. He was going to take care of this while Rey worked so she wouldn’t be too polluted by it.

Ben had asked himself how much was he supposed to reveal to Rey about his divorce. Of course, she wanted to know the details and he was being honest. Rey was a good girlfriend. The young woman was supportive and never trash-talked Audrey. But Ben thought it was something he had to keep between him and his ex-wife. Divorce was as intimate as marriage. Their assets were being sold, their love scattered in the wind. It was the most painful relief he had ever experienced.

He wasn’t feeling as guilty as before, though. They were both equally the cause of everything. The anger was gone. Every time they were meeting, they were at peace. He had not seen Audrey so relaxed in months. She was finally letting things go and showing she understood him. In the last years of their relationship, Ben had struggled to find that woman again. She was buried under bitterness, fear and sadness. He didn’t want to paint a bad portrait of her but behind every smile she had given him, he knew she was hiding something, just as he was. And the last time he had tried to make things right, it had turned to a serious disaster.

_Ben was waiting for her at their favorite table by the window. It was Wednesday, they were both in town so Audrey and him would have their weekly lunch between meetings. He heard her coming. He could recognize the sound of her heels right away. She smiled at him and crushed her delicious lips on his. She was wearing that lipstick he liked on her. It was a deep rosewood shade and the reason why he loved it so much was because that lipstick tasted like cranberry juice. She wiped the smeared makeup on the corner of his mouth and sat._

_They both ordered the same as usual: a Cobb salad no bacon for her and a steak for him. She looked at him with that look he knew too well._

_« I’m eating salads most of the time, Darling. »_  
_« That’s what you’re telling me. »_

_She asked the waiter to cancel his wine and bring him water with a lemon slice. « It’s good for your liver » he heard her say even before she opened her mouth. The lunch was going extremely well. In fact, they had spent the whole week without fighting. The couple was making plans again, talking about buying a boat so they could bring their families at sea. She had made reservations for this Summer vacations, they were going to Portugal. Everything was so peaceful and so quiet that Ben didn’t suspect it was just a mirage._

_« Darling, there’s something I want to talk to you about. Something which, I think, is gonna make you really happy. »_  
_« I’m listening. » She said, sipping on her lemon water._  
_« I sent a job proposal to that girl I talked to you about… Rey Johnson. »_

_He saw Audrey’s eyes fly from her plate directly to his face. He wasn’t sure he was reading correctly into her, but she seemed... afraid?_

_« How is that supposed to make me happy? » She asked, a bit salty._  
_« I asked her to come to New York. »_  
_« I still don’t get it. » Now, she sounded a bit pissed._  
_« She’s a really competent young woman. She’s a quick learner… I think she can take over lots of stuff here and this way Maz and the others will have time to replace me when we need someone to go on a work trip. I could stay here with you more often and not worry about my job so much. »_

_She crossed her hands under her chin._

_« That’s really why you’re doing this? »_  
_« Yes! Of course it is. What else? I’ll tell you, she’s what we need in New York to finally find the balance. And… I thought that maybe… you could come with me and Maz next month to London. We’re having this anniversary party and you could meet Rey. What do you think, darling? »_

_Ben grabbed her hand, holding it tight and trying to make her feel how strongly he believed in this. Having Rey around would be great because she had this incredible ability to understand and soothe him. She was professional and Ben knew how much he could rely on her. He was less anxious when she was there. With her in New York, he’d have more time to focus on what really mattered. Audrey surrendered and tight her grip back with a smile._

_« Thank you, Ben. »_

_He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. Everything will be okay now._

_Or maybe not. When he came back to his office, with a smile he had not felt for ages on his face, Ben was expecting Rey’s answer. He knew she was going to be thrilled because that brilliant girl was so passionate about her job. What he didn’t know, though, was that her thirst for it was nothing compared to the matter of her heart._

_The answer email was much longer than what he’d expected so he started reading it with a loud thumping in his chest. She was saying such nice things about him, how he was an inspiration for her and he smiled a little thinking about her typing those words. « But ». What was this « but » doing here? She wasn’t supposed to say « but ». He swallowed slowly, reading the rest of her message._

_« I’m missing on why you’ve been brought to me. » Ben started to sweat, his wide and clear office shrinking by the second. « I love you ». No. « I love you intensely, painfully and forever. » No. Ben wanted to stop reading, feeling like he had stumbled upon a private letter, something he wasn’t supposed to see. But his eyes could not leave the screen. « Being next to you is a curse I can’t put an end to. » He felt it too, the curse, the agony of being next to her, of lying to himself, to everyone about it._

_He wanted to close this email and ignore it forever. « I would gladly spend the rest of my days by your side, just to hear your voice calling my name and your lips I adore smile at me. » Her words pierced through his stomach, stabbing his guts, emptying his lungs, crushing his heart and tearing it into pieces. He was so tensed he could feel the iron on his tongue. He was biting himself, splitting the inside of his cheek, completely numb from the pain. « I just want to let go of my feelings, let them die. » Don’t. Please. « Find a way in your heart to forgive me. » It was him who needed to be forgiven by her. He looked at the portrait of his wife on his desk. By her too._

_It was a joke, it had to be a joke. Rey couldn’t possibly tell him that. Not now that everything was finally coming together. He read the email at least 20 times that afternoon. The words started not to mean anything anymore. The more he stared at it, the more angry he was. He wanted to call Rey, yell at her with everything he had. He wanted to tell her she had no right to come between him and his wife._

_But the truth was right there. He wasn’t mad at Rey. How could he? She was the only right thing in his crazy life. Ben was still purposely ignoring his swollen heart every time he read her words. “I love you.” She loved him. Why did it feel so good and so right?_

_He couldn’t go home tonight, face Audrey and her smile, knowing what just happened. He couldn’t pretend everything was fine now that his whole world was collapsing under his feet. He had not answered Rey, but he was in no state of mind of doing so. She’d have to wait for him to process this and find the right way to write the right words, to do the right thing for the three of them. He already knew what it meant, and if only it didn’t break his heart he would had done it already._

_Not to endure another fight with Audrey, Ben locked himself in silence. He pretended he was too tired and stressed out to do anything and just went to bed early the whole week. Audrey didn’t mind. She joined him under the sheets, pulling his head on her stomach to brush his hair. Ben enjoyed those moments of quietness where he was alone in his own brain, rocked by the sweet touch of his wife. His mind wandered from New York to London, wishing he could forget Rey’s words._

_It was very real now. He could not ignore the inevitable end of his marriage. Because even if he resisted Rey this time, there would be another thing on their way. And every time he’d try to swipe it away, it would come back more powerful and he would be weaker than ever. He had thought that all these obstacles were normal. They were, in a way. That was what life was about. He could see it with his parents. Nothing was given or easy but those two always managed to find their way back to each other. Ben and Audrey seemed to walk on a very narrow string above a precipice. Every word he said, every move he made was fraying the rope. When he looked behind him, he could see himself holding his wife, a little shape swaddled in her arms. But there was no baby. Only an old and creepy porcelain doll with a crack on its skull._

_On the other side of the cliff, facing him and holding the end of the rope, Rey was looking at him. She had her beautiful, short hair down, that blue dress he loved and her arms stiffening from the weight of the rope she was pulling toward herself. Her feet were strongly anchored in the ground and she didn’t look like letting go. He wanted to jump on her side of the cliff, free her from the rope and start building a bridge instead. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t going to do that, because he was a good man._

_On Friday, exactly one week after he had received Rey’s love letter, Ben started to type his answer. He had taken his decision. It wasn’t easy but it was for the best. This girl was a blessing to him but he couldn’t do that to either of them. He still loved Audrey who was only guilty of wanting something they had planned but lost sight of. They could find their way again. Things would get better if they kept improving themselves as spouses._

_Rey was young, full of hope, a romantic and the most inspiring woman he had laid eyes on, besides Audrey. But she wasn’t his to torture and play with. He had to set her free. He couldn’t involve her in his mess and make her life miserable. And she was asking him to put an end to it. He was only doing what she asked for and needed. Typing those words had seemed so easy in his mind that morning. But now that he was in front of his computer he realized that he was closing the door on a beautiful story._

_In another life, another city, another time… maybe Rey and him could have been happy. Or maybe the story would repeat itself. He chose not to know about this, but instead to protect the two women from himself. He read his message one last time, cautiously erasing some words, adding the right punctuation to sound formal. His answer looked like a business email and it was better that way. She would not know he was lying. She would not read between the lines. But as he was on the verge of clicking on « send », he could not stop himself from adding: « I wish to talk about all of this when I’m back in London next month. I promise to not make this more painful as it is already. But I can’t let you go like that. »_

_How will he face her? That, he did not know._

_Ben remembered how this last month had been dreading. Rey’s little notes had been one of the main reasons he had woken up every morning for months. She was so bright, luminous and lovable. He even had set a special alert for her emails, dropping everything he was working on to read what she had sent him. It wasn’t always urgent but he had found a way to make everything she had to say very important. Whether it was about work, cats or her random existential questioning, she had found her way to his heart, overturning his world in the process._

_Now, the Rey-alert was silent. She wasn’t sending him emails, pictures and snarky jokes on his chatbox. He had stopped requesting her to work on stuff to give her space. His world was now very quiet, gloomy and small. He wanted to ask her if she was okay. He hoped she wasn’t angry or sad. Maybe she wasn’t at all and had moved on just like she said she would. Maybe she was telling everyone he was a horrible person. Maybe she was thinking of suing him to get revenge… No, it wasn’t Rey’s type._

_She was going to close her heart. He knew she would, because as much distance as they had kept between them, Ben and Rey had learned each other through books and poetry. They knew how their minds worked thanks to the tremendous amount of literature they had analyzed together. They were now finding themselves in the same star-crossed lovers story they had had so much pleasure sharing together. Ironic._

Ben finished is coffee and put his mail back on the coffee table before heading to the bedroom to check on Rey. She was still sound asleep, wrapped in the blanket she had pulled all to herself. Her smell had already invaded the whole room. Ben took a deep breath, smiled with content and closed the door. Under the hot steam of his shower he thought about how great his new relationship was, how much they both trusted each other. It wouldn’t have been possible without her. She had told him to wait, to get his shit together before anything could happen.

At first, even if he knew she was right, he was frustrated he couldn’t answer to the urge of being with her. But how could they be happy today if their relationship had started as a lie that night in June?

_The First Order quarter was empty. Ben was standing in front of her little booth. She had displayed a cute little cactus next to her computer. Old and damaged books were there too. He recognized her favorite ones plus some he had recommended her. She had displayed him in her daily life without anyone noticing. He was there, with her, through these books. Tons of pictures were also pinned to the plastic walls. He looked at them quickly. She was smiling on all of them, hugging her friends, cheering with them, a pint in her hand. She was so young, free, with a whole life ahead. He didn’t want her to feel bad or sad._

_He took a deep breath and untied the bow around his neck. He thought it could make him feel better but he still couldn’t manage to breathe comfortably. It was like something was stuck in his throat or weighing on his lungs. Probably guilt, he thought. He had asked Audrey to go to the party without him, saying he had forgotten something important at the office. So here he was, wondering what he was doing here, what he should tell her. He had avoided her all week, she was probably pissed or worse._

_Suddenly, he heard her little steps coming from the kitchen. She had a cup in her hands, a little black dress and those adorable red sneakers on her feet. She wasn’t coming to the party, that was a given. His eyes flew from her legs to her face only to meet her sad eyes staring at him. She had her jaw clenched and said nothing but walked again._

_« Rey… Can we go to my office? »  
« No. » _

_Ben was a bit stunned. She was so cold, so out of character._

_« Why..? Somebody could come in. » He tried to reason her.  
« I don’t want to be alone in a room… With you. »_

_That hurt more than anything else. Ben had never wanted Rey to feel unsafe around him._

_« I don’t understand. We’re alone here and… It’s the same. I didn’t think you were so afraid to be with me. »  
« Your office smells a lot like you. I’d rather do that here. »_

_At least it wasn’t because he had done something wrong. So now what? He, who was always so collected, who always had something clever to say, was speechless. He had nothing prepared and had no clue about the issue of this encounter. He grabbed a chair nearby and sat on it, the back against his chest. The cubicle was confined, they were very close to each other and it made it all more difficult for him to focus._

_« How are you? »_

_That’s all he managed to articulate. They had to clear this up. She shrugged and gave him a sad smile. Don’t be sad, don’t ever feel bad because of me, he thought. But the simple image of her made his heart heavier than ever._

_« How do I look? » She asked in a cold and snarky tone.  
« Do you… still feel the way you did? » Ben was digging his grave.  
« I still love you, yes. » _

_Her voice was firm, confident. Rey was something else. She knew who she was and what she wanted. And at this moment, even if the whole planet exploded now, he realized there was only one place he’d wanted to be: here, with her. But he couldn’t say that, or feel that. He was not free of this choice._

_« Is there any way you could— »  
« What? Forget? I already told you— »  
« I know, but… Rey, I feel so bad. »  
« Why? You did nothing wrong. »  
« Maybe, I don’t know. I feel responsible for you. »_

_He was. He really was. He had done wrong to her and Audrey. He had to ignore his feelings and set Rey free because she could still make a choice for herself._

_« Don’t. You’re not my father, my teacher or anything. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. »  
« I know you do, and that wasn’t what I was implying. »_

_How could she think he had nothing but admiration for that little woman? She was strong, smart and promised to a bright future. He was just not in it. He didn’t expect her to grab his hand and intertwine their fingers. She had a soft skin, thin knuckles, short red painted nails and tiny wrists. He wanted to kiss her there, smell in the crook at the base of her palm where the blood flow was the most intense, the heat the highest. He knew it would smell like her there._

_« I had a great time… I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you expected. »  
« You’ve never failed me. » He objected.  
« I don’t want to interfere in your private life. »  
« It’s kinda late now, don’t you think? » He restrained himself very hard to not tell her he had been thinking about her everyday for weeks.  
« Please, tell me I wasn’t wrong to tell you the truth. »  
« You weren’t. But now I can’t take it out of my mind. »_

_She fled from his gaze, probably too afraid to see the truth: that he loved her too. But he wanted her to look at him, to know he was struggling too. How selfish of him was it?_

_« Don’t do anything stupid. » She said, blankly.  
« Why? » _

_Why Rey? Why can’t you be like any other selfish person who would just care for themselves?_

_« Because I’m not that kind of woman. And you’re not that kind of man. »_

_You’re so much better than me._

_« You don’t know what man I am. »  
« Yes, I do. »_

_You overestimate me._

_« And anyway, I want you. Not just the late night texts and the hotel rooms you. If you’re not ready to give me all of you, there’s nothing holding me here.»_

_She was right. All along. She was saving them both because she was so much better than him. Ben didn’t deserve two incredible women to love him. He wanted to say he was sorry, that he would leave her alone but nothing could come out of his throat. He wasn’t strong enough to close the door on Rey. She was right there, on the other side of the rope, waiting for him to make the right choice and he wasn’t able to do it. She could see it in his eyes, he wasn’t ready. Ben felt like a coward when she took the decision for them, once more. He saw her lids closing for a second and tears falling on her blushing cheeks. There was nothing he could do or say to fix her pretty heart. She turned to her computer and sniffled._

_« Please, leave. I have work to do. They must miss you out there. » She said, trying to sound stronger than she was.  
« Tell me you’re gonna be okay. »  
« I will. Please, Ben. »_

_She was begging him to go. Her usually joyful voice was broken and it hurt Ben so bad. How could he be so powerless? How could he let his feelings show and make her feel even more miserable? He looked at the back of her head and prepared himself to say goodbye. Now standing, he just bent to kiss her hand he still had caged in his, no allowing himself to close the gap between her wrist and his nose. She gasped a little under the touch on his lips. As a last goodbye, he kissed her temple too. She was feverish but soft and didn’t step back. It soothed him for a second but everything went cold._

_Ben almost ran to the elevator, the air missing from his lungs. He had to go outside, he had to do something before going back to Audrey. Once on the sidewalk, he took a big breath of nicotine and closed his eyes. He had done it, he had kept his promise, he had set her free, but at what cost?_

Ben sighed while drying his hair. The painful memories had torn his stomach in half and all he wanted to do now was to curl up between Rey’s arms. He wrapped a towel around his hips and exited the bathroom in a cloud of steam. In the sunny bedroom, she was still sleeping, a light snore coming out of her nose. He slithered gently under the blanket and found her hand. He brought it to his face to hum her scent. Her skin was warm and free from any perfume but her own. It was good, soothing, safe. Ben started to kiss her forearm and heard a shy giggle.

She was awake and happy to be here. Her strong and hot body climbed around his and she placed her chin on the top of his head, just as she knew he liked. This way, he could drown in her scent and listen to the beating of her heart. Rey brushed his hair in silence, her eyes probably closed again. She wasn’t a morning person and Ben always gave her time to wake up properly. Her sleepy voice finally emerged in the quietness of the room.

“‘Morning.”  
“Good morning, my love.”  
“You smell good… When did you wake up?”  
“Probably two hours ago.”  
“Why did you let me sleep?”  
“Because you need it.”

She glided to face him with her sulky head.

“But I want to spend time with you.”  
“You’re here, between these walls, it’s enough for me.”  
“You’re silly.” She smiled and bit his nose.

He grabbed her waist to pull her closer and kiss her. She melted against his mouth and buried her body against his. She was holding him tight and possessively. Ben had to stop her before he would not be able to resist her embrace. She whined.

“Hmmm… But whyyyy?”  
“I’m gonna go buy pancakes for breakfast.”  
“But you can go after.” She was pouting and making her spoiled child voice she knew made him laugh.  
“No. Not this time, it’s too late. The place I like is gonna stop making pancakes in 30 minutes.”  
“So why did you wake me up if you don’t wanna have sex? You know it turns me on.”  
“Because I missed you.”

She smiled and kissed him again, but softly this time.

“Go get the pancakes. I want them with extra milk chocolate chips.”  
“I know.” He said, already jumping in his jeans.  
“And with crispy almonds on the side. And chocolate dip too.”  
“I know.”  
“I know you know. But I like to hear that you know.”  
“I love you.”  
“I know.”

They both smiled and Ben ran out of the room before he could throw himself at her. He had to get those pancakes.

Sitting on a bar stool, Ben was waiting for his order. The place smelled good, it was Saturday morning and lots of people were already queuing to get those delicious pancakes. Alone and in his thoughts, Ben’s memories caught up with him again. After that night at the office, he had promised himself he would leave her alone. But somehow, destiny was making other choices for him.

_When Hux had sent him his recommendation letter for Rey, he had thought to write one too. But he couldn’t do it. The thought of sitting in front of his computer and write nice stuff about her was impossible. Not that he had no nice things to say about Rey but he would probably get carried away. Instead, he made a phone call and asked to the last person he’d want to for a favor. Luke Skywalker was a tough nut to crack but he knew him well-enough to find the right argument to “sell” Rey to his former mentor._

_Three weeks later, he heard she had been hired to be Skywalker’s assistant. That had been the least he could have done for the girl. He knew Rey could find a job herself, she was so talented… But the thought that his doing could cost her to lose her apartment or to feel even more miserable was umberrable to him. And this way, he knew she was safe and away from him. All he had to do was to make a phone call, Rey handled the interview part herself. He couldn’t share his pride and his joy but he felt it in his guts: she was going to be okay._

_The Summer had passed and his thoughts had stayed. Every day, the fog thickened around his heart. He wasn’t fighting with Audrey but it wasn’t because things were getting better. They were just too tired to argue, too resigned to be mad at each other. He had not spoken about Rey ever again, acting like she never existed. Until that night, when alone on the beach on the coast of Portugal, he stared at their last texts on Whatsapp. He didn’t know why or how, but something in his guts told him to reach for her._

_He had gone out of their rented villa. He couldn’t fall asleep and had been wandering around for an hour now. Thinking about his feelings was exhausting. He hadn’t had one night without Rey haunting his dreams, the memory of her beautiful face tattooed behind his lids. He missed her voice, her laughter, her cleverness… Everything he got accustomed to when she was around seemed long gone and tasted bitter._

_He sat on the sand and looked at the moon reflecting in the calm water, the foam washing up the shore. His phone in his hand, he opened their conversation and took a deep breath. It was stupid. But before he could close it, the unexpected appeared: the tiny grey bubble was floating again. Was she really typing? Yes she was. A long ass text because it was never sent. Ben started to feel like it was just his app playing with his nerves. To finally clear his mind, he sent a simple “?”_

_The bubble appeared again. She was really typing._

_“What?!”  
“I saw you typing for like 10 minutes.”  
“How would you know?”  
“I was looking at our convo.”_

_Was it creepy to say things like that? Probably. But Rey didn’t seem to mind._

_“I just wanted to check on you.”  
“I’m fine. You?”  
“Fine.”_

_They were kids. He should stop the conversation right there. Knowing she was okay should be enough for Ben. But the universe had not told him to look at their conversation right when she was typing for nothing. He had a heavy heart, lots of things to say and no one to talk to. She had been his only confidante for months, and now the weight of everything was too much for him. He just wanted someone to talk to, someone to be real with._

_“Enjoying your holidays?”  
“You could say so… And you?”  
“I’m in Portugal. It’s nice.”  
“So, almost same timezone. Why aren’t you asleep?”  
“I needed to think.”_

_“Please don’t ignore me”, he said to himself. To prove he was alone, he sent a picture of the view._

_“Lovely. Think about what?”  
“You, mostly.”_

_He couldn’t go back now. She had read it. Even though Ben was acting selfish again, it felt good to know she was the one reading on the other side of the screen._

_“Ben.”_

_Ben bit his nail. He didn’t want Rey to reject him now that he was trying to open his heart but he had to be fair to her._

_“I know. I’m not trying anything here. I just want to figure things out without being an ass.”  
“This conversation is already too much. We both know it. There’s nothing to figure out so good night.”  
“There’s so much I want to tell you.”_

_Ben exhaled, his heart tightening in his chest. If only he could let something out. If only he could not mind about the consequences once. If only he was brave enough to wake up his wife and have the talk. He’d freed them both, right here, right now._

_“There’s somebody else you could talk to, you know.”  
“You make me look like an awful person but there’s a whole lot you don’t know.”  
“I don’t want to know. I CAN’T know. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want you to be a jerk. Please don’t be a jerk.”  
“Can I call you?”  
“No!”  
“Why?”  
“You’re not listening to me. I can’t be involved in this. I can’t be the one you turn to when you need to talk, especially about your marriage.”_

_Maybe he was putting too much on her shoulders. But she was idealizing his marriage. How could she know how miserable they were when he’d been lying for months?_

_“You’re too good to someone you don’t even know.”  
“If I was, I wouldn’t have told you in the first place. I put everyone in deep shit. And don’t try to make her look bad. IDK anything about you two but it’s not my place to hear you complain about her.”_

_Ben laid down on the cold and wet sand. It was a bad idea. He was hurting himself and probably her too. He was acting exactly how Audrey had called him out so many times. He couldn’t do that to Rey too. He had the power to leave Rey out of his mess. His phone rang again._

_“I didn’t want to be rough. I just want you to understand how tough it is for me to stay reasonable and do the right thing.”_

_Ben read her last text with a sad smile. The thought of her still having feelings for him brought him so much joy he knew this would never go away. As painful as it was, he couldn’t help but cherish the affection he had for her. He started to type again, putting his heart into it._

_“I know it is. You’re carrying us both on your back and me going after you would be unforgivable. I just wish we could put our feelings aside for a minute and talk, but that’s not possible.”_

Ben took the kraft paper bag the cashier was handing to him and headed out in the street, the warm pancakes under his arm. Maybe he could bring Rey something like… Flowers. He had never bought her gifts yet. Last Christmas, the first they had spent together, she expressly required to not get anything from him. He had paid for her plane tickets so she could come for NYE, though. But really, it was more of a common gift for both of them. He wasn’t a Valentine’s guy so they just sexted as they always were when they were apart.

He wasn’t the kind to give random presents. But maybe she would like flowers. Or maybe she’ll think he was being cheesy and out of character. He just wanted to make her happy, to show her he wasn’t taking this for granted. He stopped in a shop to buy more coffee capsules for the very fancy machine his assistant had ordered for him when he moved in that new apartment. His eyes caught the sight of tea capsules and he wondered if Rey would like them. She was a true British girl and maybe she’ll find it insulting. He shoved it in his bag too, thinking he would ask her directly.

On his way back to his apartment, the sun was shining in his eyes and it truly felt like Summer was back in town. The green trees, the warm air whirling women’s dresses, a kid biting into an ice-cream sandwich… He smiled a little, thinking that, this time, he wouldn’t be miserable during the vacations. Maybe Rey would prefer a trip somewhere rather than flowers? He stopped in front of a travel agency and looked at the brochures in the window. But where to take her? If he remembered correctly, she wasn’t a traveller. Not because she didn’t like travelling but because she never had the money before. He could show her the world.

_Last summer, after spending his three annual vacation weeks in Portugal, Ben decided to combine business with pleasure by flying to London. One of his best accounts was having an early “back-to-school” lecture in the UK and he wanted to be there to show support. Audrey had agreed to go with him and he thought about this work/fun trip could only do good to them. How stupid he was to think the universe wouldn’t use this opportunity to screw him over again._

_She was the first thing he saw when he entered the room. She was there, hiding behind a tall lady, her cheek blushing from the heat outside, her hair brushing her shoulders, that blue dress he remembered she wore when they were together once. She had not changed. Or just a bit. She looked thinner. He hoped she was eating well. She wasn’t alone. There was this guy, short, tanned, attractive. Ben bit the inside of his mouth._

_Did she see him? He wanted her to see him. It was a selfish wish but he needed her to look at him, to make him feel alive. And when her eyes finally connected with his, the whole world disappeared. Rey was here, everything was great again. Despite the noise, the people, the distance, he could almost hear the air coming out of her mouth, following the movements of her chest rising up and down. It was a slow pace, a peaceful one. If only he could rest his head against her to hear the beating of her heart._

_When Timothy Fraser ended his lecture, the whole “letting Rey live” fell apart. He had to talk to her, just for one minute. He had no clue why. Maybe it was because he missed her, because he couldn’t breathe when she was around and not talking to him, maybe it was jealousy, or a mix of all of that. Whatever the reason might have been, the fact was that he was walking towards her, and nothing could stop him._

_Their whole conversation was a blur. Ben felt how uncomfortable she was but he kept pushing at her. She couldn’t call him « Sir », he would not allow it. And that man with her, Ben couldn’t care less he was her boyfriend. He would never be him. Of course, it was very presumptuous of him to think he had any kind of importance for Rey, weeks after last seeing her. But he knew she wasn’t over him, she couldn’t be. Poe or whatever his name was, will never understand her the way he did._

_But now, Rey didn’t look embarrassed. She was afraid too. That’s when he realized - because his attention had only been focused on her until now - that Audrey was now talking to Rey. Her voice was calm but her body told Ben everything he needed to know about the exchange. His wife was glued to his arm and he could feel the electricity growing in the air. Something was happening inside the writer’s mind and they all knew what it was. He walked her to the fancy salon, hoping she would calm down a bit but when their eyes met again, he could see she was hurt. What did he let slip? He had not said anything._

_While talking to Fraser’s team, he kept an eye on Rey. When she came back from the bathroom, she was cornered by Poe and did not seem happy at all. In fact, even though they were whispering, he could feel the heated conversation. He wished he could stop him from being rude to her. She had not done anything._

_« I’m going back to our hotel. » Audrey pulled him out of his reverie. « Ben? Are you coming? »_

_He knew that voice. It was the one asking a question but giving him an order. He looked at her, red puffy eyes, lip bitten, hands tightening her grip on her handbag… Something had happened._

_« No. I’m staying a little more. I’ll join you later. »  
« Ben. »_

_Him not choosing to follow her would create a cataclysmic reaction. But Rey was here, she needed him or maybe he needed her. He could finally talk to her. Audrey sighed and walked away. He wanted to feel guilty, but he couldn’t. All he wanted to do was to find Rey, hear her voice, see her smile._

_Right before he missed it, he saw her leaving the room in a hurry. He followed her hastily, trying to know where she was going. Was she leaving? No, Rey was sinking into the alleys of the library. She looked like she was about to faint, her legs trembling, her hands not leaving the shelves as a sign of reassurance. He wasn’t far behind her but he didn’t want to make her feel unsafe. She finally grabbed a knob hidden between the books and disappeared. Ben stopped in front of the door and looked around him. No one was checking, he could get in. Should he? No. She didn’t ask for him, she was fleeing away from him._

_That’s when he heard her. She was sobbing behind this door, alone. He could not let her. The only brain cell still active in his mind told him to go for it. Ben opened the door, got in and closed it behind him. But the « room » was dark. He took him a moment to find the switch but when he did he thought that maybe it had not been a good idea. She was in a messy state, her nose reddened, tears all over her face and that mad look in her eyes. But she was not going to be alone._

_He wanted to touch her, to hold her close. But she kept rejecting him. Her words were as sharp as knives but he took them. He deserved it. Every move he had made in his personal life for the past two years had been self-destructive. Her rejection was just the result of his pride. And he didn’t know why but he was feeling the need to provoke her, to make her say that she could not possibly live without him._

_He saw her face animate, her lips opening, her hands moving around her head, almost pushing him away but all he could process was that she was here, so close to him, intoxicating his brain. She was mad because she knew they could risk it all. And also because he kept pushing her without putting himself out there. « Why aren’t you scared? » She asked. How could he be scared? He had lost Audrey already. She was a shadow of herself when he was with her and he could not look at his wife without feeling he'd failed her. But to be true, they had not done anything wrong._

_« Shut up, Ben! »_

_Rey was not playing anymore. Her body was pushing him away but he saw the fear in her eyes. The same fear they both had that night at the office. If they let themselves go one second, the whole situation could slip through their fingers. But she was so close, her skin smelled so good, so hot… Ben could smell the sweat in the back of her neck and her eyes fleeing his gaze. She had this damn dress that made her breasts look so gorgeous. Why did she have to be so beautiful? He could not lie any longer. She was asking him, her eyes deep in his, if he loved her. But every time he had tried to tell her she was getting mad at him, mad as hell._

_« What do you want me to say? You’re gonna punch me in the face if I go down this path. »  
« Do you? »  
« I thought you weren’t the other woman. »_

_She grabbed his collar and pulled, making him bend. She was a fighter and Ben was now filled with two feelings: overwhelming love and wild arousal. If only she could understand that he was struggling too._

_« Do you? »  
« I do. »_

_It was finished for both of them now. They could not ignore the facts that their little game would cost him his marriage and she had to accept it was very real. But for now, all he wanted to do was to taste the sweetness of her lips. They looked so good, so soft, he had to try one time. They were so close that Ben was inhaling her vanilla breath, feeling her lashes on his cheek and the shivering of her hands on his arms. He was about to give up everything for that kiss. But she stepped back, once more and his stomach knotted painfully._

_« I can’t.” She said with a broken voice._

_But he knew all that. She was too nice, too perfect, to do that. And as delicious and lovable as she looked right now, he couldn’t either._

_« I don’t want to hurt her. » He said with a broken voice.  
« I know you don’t. It was never the plan. »_

_The truth was: Ben had no plan. He just wanted out of this life, this heavy burden weighing on his chest as if he was guilty of everything wrong in his marriage._

_« I just can’t keep pretending that everything is fine. It’s not enough anymore for her, for me… And now there’s you. »  
« I was never in the equation, Ben. »  
« You are to me. »  
« It’s… I can’t. We… should stop right now or otherwise i’m gonna- »_

_Before he could tell her to do what she wanted to do, he pulled her against him, just to feel her embrace. Hugging was not illegal. They both shut up for a moment, appreciating each other’s presence, being loved and complete again. She didn’t know for how long she had been in the equation and he didn’t either. It was still all blurry to him. But one thing was sure: it wasn’t a fling or a revenge move on Audrey. He truly felt like the world was a better place when she was around. And her head resting on his chest felt so natural, so organic._

_When they parted in front of the library, he knew what was coming, back at the hotel. But all he could think about was how light he was feeling. The answer to everything was inside him. He just had to have the courage to transform his words into actions. He had to put an end to their misery. And if Audrey was still holding on a memory, that was because he had made her believe a new beginning was possible. Himself had trouble realizing he had failed something in his life. The truth was out, his feelings were with Rey now. It was scary and thrilling at the same time._

When he came back to the apartment, Rey was in the shower. He prepared nice plates of pancakes, fried eggs, sunny side up just as she liked them and brewed coffee and tea in time for her to drink it extra hot. She joined him on the kitchen counter with her hair tied in a bun and a smile on her face.

« Hey you! Yummm… It smells so good. Thank you for the breakfast. »

She pressed her lips to his and sat on a stool. Ben could not stop staring at her until she blushed and told him to stop.

« What are you thinking about? You look preoccupied. »  
« I was just… reminiscing stuff. »  
« Something you want to talk about? »  
« I’m not sure. »

She took a bite of her toast and grabbed his fingers in her small hand. She never pushed him to talk. Rey was just making sure he knew she was right there.

« Remember the first time we made love? » He asked.

She smiled, hidden behind her cup of tea.

« How could I forget? »  
« We never talked about it. »  
« What is there to talk about? » She looked at him, genuinely curious.  
« I don’t know. It was a very important moment with me. »

She giggled and rested her fork on the side of her plate.

« I don’t know what’s going on in your brain but it was for me too. I wasn’t scared anymore. It felt right. »

Ben smirked and kissed her cheek. The memories of her skin wrapped for the first time around him was still very real. It had clicked right away. It wasn’t awkward or too much. It was just right, from the very start.

« I could not stay away longer. If you had rejected me that night I think I would have screamed! »

She laughed out loud, her hand now on his knee to hear his story.

« You always say you hate your face when you’re just out of the shower because of the redness and the lack of makeup… But every time you remind me of that moment. Just like right now. Your little bun, your baby hairs dripping in your neck, your skin so smooth… You drive me crazy. »

Ben had never been this effusive. But reminiscing all these memories that morning had reminded him why he loved Rey so much and she needed to hear it. She needed to know how much he loved her to not repeat the mistakes of the past.

« You know I don’t like to talk about intercourse… »  
« Stop calling it like that. » She said with a smile.  
« I know, I’m old fashioned. » He retorted, probably embarrassed by what the next part of his speech. « But that night, it felt like I was able to love again and be loved. I had no felt it in months.”

Rey’s brows knitted together and she grabbed his hand. Ben wasn’t chatty when they were talking about his marriage. He let a lot of details out of the conversation. He always thought Rey didn’t need to know how damaged he was and how diminished he had felt as a man when the guilt of not providing a family to his wife had started the decline of their relationship.

« You felt guilty for so long but the truth is… I was miserable without you. When you worked for First Order I was just on life support. You were keeping me alive. »  
« Ben. » Rey tightened her grip. « It… It never seemed like this. You looked so happy and confident and in love with her. »  
« I was. I still love her. Not as I love you but as somebody I respect and care about. And I wanted it to last as long as I could hold it together. Our feelings were real, so was the pain. It came so viciously we didn’t even notice how terrible this marriage was. We thought that was life. And you came along, you showed me it wasn’t. It wasn’t supposed to be awful. »

Rey pulled him gently so she could wrap her arms around him. He let himself go against her, closing his eyes for a moment and whispered:

« I thought I could not do it without Audrey. She was everything to me, she made me a man, she dealt with my issues and helped me grow. I thought I couldn’t build anything like this ever again. »  
« Do you think we can? » She asked, a little bit of fear staining her tone.  
« We are. Everyday. I was just too blind to see it was possible. »  
« I’m glad you see clearly now. But back on our first night. Did you enjoy it? »

She giggled and Ben couldn’t believe she was questioning him on this.

_The first kiss was messy, clumsy… Everything he had wished it would not be. But it was perfect. He was eagerly eating her mouth, working on her bathrobe belt, hoping she would not reject him once again. But as silent as she was, her body was begging for him to touch her, to hold her tight. Once completely undressed, Ben couldn’t help but press her against him, swallowing the heat emanating from her._

Rey was still on her stool, pulling Ben closer while he was thinking how to show her he loved their first time so much. He stood between her legs, kissing her slowly, knowing exactly how to make her want more of his mouth, cupping her face with his large hands framing her from her chin to the base of her nape. Her hands rested on his chest she let him lead them, only opening her mouth when he asked access to it.

_Ben didn’t know how to touch her anymore. His hands were burning, too thirsty, too impatient to know all of her. He lifted her, the feeling of her weighing nothing arousing him even more. Seated on the dresser, Rey was looking at him with her wet and dark eyes. Not an inch of her skin didn’t look perfect to Ben. Her perky breasts seemed to invite him to touch and kiss them everywhere. How he resisted for so long to his lust, he didn’t know. But there was no way he was letting her go now._

Rey started to show more excitement, pulling Ben closer. He finally grabbed her under the thighs and moved them to the couch, sitting so she could ride him. Her mouth found his again. She was controlled, smiling every time she made him hum with her teeth and tongue. He thought about how well she he knew him now and it made him go even higher.

_Before he started sucking on her tit, Ben had not thought his obsession with Rey’s body would shift so fast. Now, his only interest was to please her. And when her head tilted backwards, he completely forgot about himself. The only person that mattered now was her. He moved his palm on her stomach to keep her still as her body was already rocking against the surface. She slowly took back the control over her body and started to touch him, to feel him. He was hard everywhere, his cock throbbing under the seam of his pants, his muscles stiffening from the pressure._

_« Ben… Do you want this? »_

_Her voice vibrated in his body. Of course he wanted this. Ben grabbed her hand and put it right on her groin, lacking words to express how much he desired her._

Rey smiled, rolling her hips on his lap. They were all dressed but she could certainly feel how aroused he was. She opened her white shirt, her eyes never leaving his, defying him to keep them on her face. She threw the shirt away and got rid off her bra too. Ben had not moved. She grabbed his hands and put them on her breasts, guiding him to massage them. Once she decided he had been good enough she whispered in his ear:

« How much do you want this? »

He growled and pulled her closer to feel her tiny chest against his. His large hands on her back, he was learning again every muscle, beauty mark and shape of her.

Ben needed more and so did she. He looked at her, completely lost in pleasure. He grunted, lifting her again. He wasn’t going to let her do anything without him. He laid her on the bed and stayed stunned for a few seconds. She was there, shamelessly displaying her body, teasing Ben with her long legs she stretched and curled. She was perfect with marks of kisses and bites already sprinkling her milky skin.

« Strip… I want to see everything. » She said with a firm tone.

Ben felt like his clothes had shrunk real bad. Heat was climbing to his cheeks as he was taking his clothes off as confidently as he could. When he had met Audrey he was a very young adult, not comfortable in his skin. But so was she. Being naked in front of somebody new was scary and thrilling. But Rey’s eyes were all over him, devouring him with so much fire in her gaze. When she asked him to drop his last piece of fabric, he didn’t hesitate. Her eyes fell right on him, her mouth opening slightly. He thought he was the only one obsessed that night but the way she started to sway staring at him made it very hard to not come all over the sheets right away.

Ben had managed to strip both of them and Rey was now kneeled between his legs, her mouth all around his length, making him feel good and tight everywhere. He still couldn’t take his eyes off of her when she was sucking his cock. He felt so powerful and at her mercy at the same time, it was exquisite. Each lick, pressure, bite… He could feel himself melting by the second. Rey kissed the inside of his thigh and his groin, her hand massaging his length with the firm intent to make him come. But he wasn’t ready to let go like this. He wanted the warmth of her insides around him. Ben helped her sit on the couch, kissing from her ankle to her pussy, already wet and swollen. His expert mouth worked on her folds, purposely ignoring her clit until she was begging him to touch her there. Ben knew that was her favorite thing and he wasn’t going to skim over this. Every chance he got to go down on her, he took it.

_Rey was now waving under him, trying very hard to touch him even when he was getting cold feet. It’s not that he didn’t want this but was he ready to say goodbye to his married life?_

_« Please, don’t think right now. » She whispered softly._

_But she didn’t stop there, she didn’t let him sink into anxiety. She was right here, caressing him, brushing his hair, kissing his face, smiling to him and already telling him how good he was. He didn’t have to tell her how hard he struggled sometimes. She knew, she had felt it and she wasn’t stepping away from him. She was easing this the best way she could and the only way it could go now was him, pinning her to the mattress until she cried from pleasure._

Her legs tightly holding his face between her legs, Rey was not restraining herself from screaming when he suckled the little bud the way she liked it. She was right on the verge where he liked to leave her. Ben had done it several times now, exciting her until the nerves between her thighs were sore and electric. Her moans and pleads were enough for him to come anyway. All he had to do now was to thrust inside her open and hot cunt a few times to relieve her. He lifted himself, a bit uncomfortable on the too tiny couch for his large frame and kissed her eagerly, sharing her taste on their tongues.

« Hmm… Ben, you know I can’t take it anymore… » She cried.  
« I know. Hold it a little bit longer, for me. »

She whimpered and squirmed when he rubbed the tip of his cock on her slick slit. Every time was as good as the first time. His head in the crook of her neck, he slithered in slowly, easing his way in and out with gentle moves. The feeling of her around him, the memories of the first time she had cried his name in his ear… It all went back. The reminiscence of her hot body facing the pillows in Paris came rushing to him. She had not beg, she had not pleaded. She had showed him the way to please her. He could hear, feel and smell her as if they were still in that hotel room. Nothing had changed. Nothing but his feelings building stronger by the second. He hold himself above her just to see her face. She was smiling, biting her lips and moaning at the same time. The electrifying friction between them grew more and more until they couldn’t take anything anymore.

Too focused on her, he let a wild and surprised grunt out of his throat when she started clenching around him, smirking when he shivered violently to restrain himself. She had not come yet, she was toying with him, well-aware that she now knew him by heart. It wasn’t Paris anymore. It was real life. And so far he loved it so much he didn’t mind falling on the rug with Rey still hanging on him. The little jump made her scream and land on his hips, their body still connected.

Rey didn’t wait much longer and started riding him. All he could see was her, all he could feel was their bodies slipping one against the other. A last stroke of her hips and they both saw white dots all around, screaming silently in each other ears, his hands buried in her back, her nails scratching his chest.

Her body gone completely soft, Rey collapsed by his side and closed her eyes. Silence fell in the apartment and they could just hear the quick pacing of their breath. But this time, Ben didn’t let slumber took him. As foggy as his mind was, he started to articulate with his dry mouth:

« I don’t think we should go on vacation this Summer. »

He felt her head flip to look at him.

« You don’t? »  
« No. I have too much to do… »  
« Oh… »

He tried not to smile when he heard the disappointment in her voice.

« That’s okay. I can come in New York even if you work. »  
« I don’t think so either. »  
« But… Why? »  
« Because I’m not gonna be in New York. »  
« Then I can come to your business trip. Ben, I don’t like games! »

Her voice was getting higher. It was that easy to make Rey snap and Ben couldn’t help but laugh.

« What?! Why are you laughing at me? Ben! »  
« You’re already mad at me, I didn’t say a word! »  
« Don’t be mean. Tell me why we can’t see each other this Summer? »  
« I never said we could not see each other, my love. »  
« I hate you when you’re doing this! »

She pinched him on the arm and started to bite him, urging him to talk.

« I just thought that all the things I’ll have to do, and emptying the apartment, finding a new one in- »  
« You’re coming to London? »

He stopped talking. She had rolled on him, her eyes now plunged in his, her pretty pink mouth slightly open.

« What would you think if I were? »  
« I… I… you really want to come live in London? »  
« I want you. »

Rey was not speaking anymore. Ben looked for any clue on her face but all he could find was her eyes tearing up and her chin starting to wobble.

« Hey, love… Don’t cry. »  
« I’m just… you’re gonna leave everything behind for me? And the headquarter and- »  
« Hey. » He cupped her face so she would stop panicking and look at him. « I can skype, take planes. I have a very competent team here, I love working with London, you know that. Plus, I’m really going to enjoy bothering Hux everyday. » They both laughed, eyes shining with emotion. « I’ll still have plenty of trips to take but when I’ll be home… You’ll be home. »

Rey escaped his hand-cage and kissed him harder than she never had. Tears started to mix up and they both didn’t know who was crying the most.

« It was about time, Solo. I was ready to give up and follow you here. »

She pillowed on his chest, still shaking from the shock.

« I would never ask you that. My life is made, I don’t need to be in New York every day, the machine is running by itself. But I need you. »  
« Will we be living together? »  
« I want to. But, if you don’t feel like it yet, you can just come and go as you want. »  
« You’re silly. »

He tightened his embrace, not letting her go for one bit. A whole new life was ahead of them, he was not going to screw it up. Not this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! It's been a weird adventure but once again, a fulfilling one especially with your feedbacks and encouragements! I can't wait to read your thoughts about Ben's journey!
> 
> I'm gonna miss them ♡  
> You can also find me on [ Twitter ](https://twitter.com/ApfelTHS)  
> Next work [ here ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23121064/chapters/55323394) !


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